Thanksgiving

I can think of no better title today as I write this post...that one word says it all and I have been in a constant state of thanksgiving lately.

There is so much to be thankful for this year - every year really - but especially this year and particularly over the past six months. No doubt I've missed a few things (!), but I'd like to at least list what comes to mind right now...

To All That Is, God, Source, Universe....

• I'm thankful that all is well - with my health, my body, my spirit, my mind. 
• I'm grateful that all is well with the people closest to me - those whom I love most.
• Although I could list dozens if not hundreds of the people I am thankful to have in my life...I will only list one...my beautiful daughter, Emilee...the very best gift that God ever blessed me with. My life began on the day you chose me as your mommy and you make every single day worth living to the fullest!!!! You inspire me to be the very best I can be at all times. I love you completely and unconditionally, forever. 
• I'm thankful for all the love & support that surrounds me - from those known to me and those unknown to me.
• I'm thankful to all the angels in the heavenly realm - and to those who surround me right here on Earth - those who see to my spiritual needs, and those who see to my practical ones.
• And, what's the spirit of Thanksgiving without being thankful for food!! For every bite I've taken in, I give thanks for those who sacrificed of themselves (the plants & animals who gave their lives for my nourishment), the farmers who planted and nurtured and harvested, the merchants...the kind friends and family who have purchased, prepared and brought so much yummy food to me...thank you all!
• Speaking of eating...I'm thankful that I have no more mouth sores!! YAY!!!
• I am thankful that in so many different and unexpected ways I have been provided for - strengthening and reconfirming my faith, surprising me and delighting me!
• I appreciate divine timing and the beautiful, magical unfolding of life more than I ever have - EVER!
• I am thankful for the people who've stuck by me through thick and thin, and I am also thankful to those who found they could not...because it gave me the opportunity to practice releasing the conditions and expectations I place on my relationships with others. I love each and every one of you UNconditionally!
• I am appreciating the contrast - the tough times, physically, spiritually, emotionally for what it's taught me about really savoring the good stuff! And, because through that contrast, I developed a whole new list of desires that are surely on their way to me now ;). 
• I am thankful that I am on the "homestretch" of chemo, with only three more treatments to go - WHOO HOO!!!
• And...while I'm at it...I'm grateful to medical science for coming up with treatments and cures and fixes for so many bodily ills. While I still prefer my natural and holistic methods, I appreciate the value of using all of the resources at my disposal when a big problem comes up - and those resources would mean nothing without the skilled, caring service of the doctors and nurses who know how to apply them...thank you!
• I am thankful for Zofran! Some of you know what I'm saying! Hehe ;)
• I have spent every single day since June 1st appreciating the amazing home I live in...so perfect, so right for us in every way...including the most wonderful neighbors in the world!
• For my furry friends and family...thank you for your love, your cuddles, and your amusing antics!

I am thankful for the joy, I am thankful for the peace and tranquility of a good rest, I am thankful for the excitement and the magic and the quiet smiles, I am thankful for the LOVE, I am thankful for LIFE!!!

Wishing you all a wonderful, magical, magnificent Thanksgiving!!!

Love,

Lisa

Halftime Break

This Wednesday (10/26) I'll receive my fourth chemo infusion. The significance is that I will be half way through my chemo treatments - whoo hoo! They will also be changing my "cocktail" for the last four, so it's my last infusion with this mix - a transition of sorts.

It also marks the perfect time for me to take a break, go inward. I'm halfway through and it's time to listen to my Inner Self, regroup a bit, and get intentional about my focus for these last four treatments.

So...if you experience "radio silence" from me for longer than usual...no worries! It's me, healing from the inside out ;).

I would like to ask all of you a favor though...and this is VERY important to me...If you are praying for me, pray a prayer of thanksgiving for my health and vitality. If you are thinking of me, smile and see me as healthy, happy, and thriving. If you are doing some positive visualization on my behalf...well then, you're one of my kind ;)...hehe...and you know well enough to visualize me as nothing short of perfect, whole, and complete! If you love me, don't "worry" about me - instead think only good thoughts - because ALL REALLY IS WELL!

Remember - I am fine, no matter what, no conditions, no bargaining! I believe that - and I'd like to ask you to believe that right along with me, ok?

I'll be back soon with lots of cool, inspirational stuff to share about my journey, about Deliberate Sensuality and about creating the life of your dreams. Meanwhile, thanks in advance for all that positive energy headed my way! You guys are the best ;).

Love you!
Lisa

Three Down, Five to go!

Well, another treatment under my belt...three down and five to go! On the positive side, only one more until I'm halfway there. And, I know better than to expand on anything OTHER than the positive side - so we'll just skip that part! Ha.

I'm finding that my treatments are taking more and more out of me each time. The nurses tell me that's normal. The patterns and side effects aren't predictable, other than the fact that Fridays of chemo week are generally my worst day. No matter what I've done each time to try to "fight smarter", I can't seem to get around the miserable side effects. So, I simply have to accept each day as it comes.

It's a lot about letting go of the resistance to not feeling the way I want to feel. It's a lot about letting go of conditions and expectations - of how I want to feel, think I should feel, what I want to do, think I should be able to do. It's also about letting go of what others may think - at least from my slanted perspective of it.

Funny thing is, I've gotten so good at all of those things, I was starting to feel like a Master! Ha. Truth is, we never really get "there". It's all just stepping stones and there's always more to learn and master. Otherwise life would be pretty short and boring, I guess.

And, as I've been reminding myself lately...this is MY journey. No one else's. I have to travel it as only I can. No one can do it for me, no one can pave the way, and there's only so far anyone can walk it with me. (More on that in my next blog post called "The Solitary Journey"...)

So, no sense beating myself up for not being "stronger"...when the going gets tough, this tough girl takes a nap, watches some mindless TV, reads a book, or eats something exceedingly non-nutritious (like say a Boston creme donut from Dunkin' Donuts as was my treat-to-me today!).

When you haven't heard from me in a while, that's probably what I'm doing, from the relative comfort of my recliner. My iPhone grants me beautiful access to Facebook and I tend to text quite a lot. I check email now and again, but I don't answer much that way because it's too much to try to type. I don't actually TALK on the phone much because frankly, I don't always have the energy or the composure for it. Crazy, huh?! (Those who know how much I love to talk will really struggle with that revelation!)

My days still have some structure - getting my daughter off to school in the morning takes a lot out of me - even though at almost 12 years old, there's not a lot I need to do for her - aside from motivating her out the door (she shares my aversion to early morning wake up calls) and getting her breakfast protein shake poured into a glass. Then, I generally crawl back into my bed as quickly as possible for another few hours sleep. My kitties happily join me...

Bet that sounds kind of lazy, huh? Oh wait, I'm giving up my need for the approval of others for Lent...Hmmmm...Lent? Is that right? Is it Lent, or Advent? Wait...what month is this again? Oh, right...chemo brain. Ha.

That's one of the other fun side-effects. This fuzzy cognitive thing that happens when your brain is on chemo drugs...You know that PSA..."This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs." Well, you get the idea! I can tell you first-hand, it's real. Though I really can't complain, since so far it hasn't had a huge effect on me.

Mostly I feel dizzy, weak, fatigued, and nauseous - nearly all the time. My situation is made worse by a serious digestive disorder I've had most of my life. Ordinarily, I manage it pretty well. But, the combination of chemo drugs and anti-nausea drugs exacerbate it to the point that basically I don't digest a thing for days. (Yeah...getting into the realm of TMI now so I'll stop there...) Anyway, you can probably imagine the unpleasantness.

As for the dizzy, weak, fatigued part...well, the first two treatments devoured my white blood cells. My levels were "dangerously low" at their low point, making me vulnerable to infection. But, they always rebounded nicely by chemo day - thanks no doubt, to the Neulasta shots I get the day after treatment, that are meant to do just that.

My red blood cells on the other hand have just been plummeting, without rebound. Today was lab day and they're looking bad enough that we may have to consider another medication to help. I guess that goes a long way toward explaining the dizziness and fatigue. It's also why I'm going to be feasting on steak and spinach in the near future (I'll apologize in advance to my vegetarian/vegan friends...I know there are meat-free alternatives to build my red blood cells, but the steak just tastes so damn good!).

So this time, no isolation. I'll still have to be careful, but not quite so hyper-vigilant. Instead, I'll have to pace myself based on what energy I have and just accept it. More rest, less catching up. Who knew sitting at a computer writing could be considered such exhausting work?!

And, I'll have to "get over" thinking I must be weak just because I'm not managing as well as all those people in the ads about how chemo is so much "kinder and gentler" now...Ha! Kinder and gentler my a@#$% But, don't get me started on that! I swear I'm going to write a whole new line of books about dealing with cancer and chemo...Honest books. Though probably not very serious books. There's too much we're asked to be serious about in life - and not nearly enough we're allowed to take lightly.

Ahhh yes, so much more to say! But alas, I think it's time for another nap ;).

As always, thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, positive intentions and that awesome energy you're sending me!! Trust me, I can feel it and your love and comments are the best feel good of all!!

Until next time...

xoxo
Lisa

Quick Update

Since I didn't mention how I've been feeling in my most recent post, I thought I'd offer a quick update...

This has been my "off" week, meaning no chemo, just lab tests. It took me a little longer to recover from my chemo treatment (9/28) this time...Monday was the first day I could really do much of anything besides hang out in my recliner. I had an OT session for my shoulder Monday afternoon, which went pretty well, but wiped me out. Tuesday was more rest. Wednesday was crazy busy with a lab appointment in the morning, doctor's appointment right after that, and curriculum night at my daughter's school that evening. Considering my abysmally low white blood count, it was quite a risk going to the school, but a mom does what she must! More accurately, my intention was, "I'm going to do what feels right for me and let God take care of the rest."

To say that I was exhausted by nearly 10pm when I finally got home would be an understatement! Whew. Fortunately, other than requiring some extra sleep, I was fine the next day. Thursday through early next week I'll have to stay pretty isolated to protect against infection, but I feel pretty good.

In fact, today I felt awesome! Got a little time outside in my yard ("played" with my pretty healing crystals!), did some stuff around the house, spent some time writing, and for dinner a heavenly NY Strip and a giant sweet potato ;).

Now it's after 1am though, so I'd better get off to bed! I just want to add...if you've called me, or written me a note and I haven't answered yet, know that I've read it or listened to your message, very much appreciated your thinking of me, and I WILL get back to you soon! I'm just a little slower this time around. When I'm feeling lousy I can't get to my computer to write and talking on the phone is often tough for me. I've been a little slower than I'd normally like with thank you notes too!

The next few days will be catching up days on just about every front. I won't get it all done (there's no such thing!), but I'll make good progress and I'll be satisfied because I've done what I can. Then, Wednesday (10/13) is Chemo Treatment #3.

No expectations this time. Just surrender, acceptance, and appreciation for the fact that I am loved, and supported in every way possible.

By the way...I've decided to try doing daily personal updates on Twitter. I've already got a Lisa's Leap Twitter account anyway that I haven't used much lately, so...if you're on Twitter, you can look for me and follow me there as well @Lisas_Leap.

I'll leave you on a happy, silly note...here's a iPhone cam self-portrait from last Wednesday when I was running between appointments. Looking at it now, I hesitate to attach it! It certainly isn't the most flattering photo...but, it was me that day. The sun was out, sunroof open, and I was wearing my cool (borrowed from my sis) hat! Oh what a feeling! (Though I remember the feeling being better than it looks here! Ha!)

Thanks everyone!!
xoxo
Lisa

Appreciating Gifts & Recognizing Angels

We are so very fortunate and blessed to be living right now, right here, in these bodies, on this planet. All we need to do is open our hearts to love, our arms to receive, our eyes to see - and the blessings come forth!

Now I know that when times are tough it's easy to question that statement and with 50 years under my belt, I can tell you I've had my share. But, I can also tell you that despite tough times, I haven't doubted that I am blessed nor have I neglected to be thankful for my blessings, in quite some time.

Still, reminders are sometimes helpful and fortunately, they are plentiful - no matter how bad things get. In fact, if you stop to think about it, you'll realize we are on the receiving end of so many gifts, moment-to-moment, that there's no way to possibly account for them all! These aren't things we earn - they are gifts of the Divine, plain and simple.

For instance, the air we breathe. How often do you take a breath? Perhaps every 15 or 20 seconds? Do you ever stop and wonder, "Oh my! I hope I'll have air for my next breath!"? Of course not. It's there - it's always there and it's always a gift.

Most of us have probably never gone hungry - at least not for long, or without recourse. We have plenty to eat and a wide variety to choose from at that. Although we generally offer money for our food, it is still a gift of the Divine, without Whom there would be no food, no earth, no sun. We have many people to thank as well - those who plant, nourish, and harvest our food. Those who bring it to market...and it goes on and on from there. Everyone of those people offers life force energy as they play their role in bringing us the gift of food.

Oxygen and food are just a couple of the "simple" blessings we tend to take for granted. Bringing it forward, there are the people all around us, who love us, support us, care for us. I always say that my daughter is the greatest blessing that I have ever, or could ever receive - and I give thanks for her every single day and night and moment in between, in every way I know how.

Of course, there are also many others in my life whom I love and give thanks for on a regular basis...Along with those  whom I cannot even name. Angels who walk the earth. People who reach out, quietly, anonymously, with love.


Angels like that walk among us every day. You can't see them or feel their presence unless you open your heart and allow in all the good they wish to give. You must be open to receiving. The other day, I received a gift of love from angels. These particular angels left a note, along with their very helpful and appreciated gift. The note said simply,

"From an angel network of friends & family who care about you and want to help in a small way."

While I cannot thank them personally - because I don't know who they are - I can say here that my love and gratitude swelled in that moment and the moments since...for their gift not only made a difference in the practical sense, but it touched my heart and my soul. It reminded me that I am surrounded by love, that I am living in a benevolent Universe, and provided for in every way by a God who creates through each of us and with each of us. All I need do is love, believe, and stay open.

I thank you angels - whoever and wherever you may be - and I offer you this gift of gratitude...

I will magnify the love you gave to me and share it with everyone I encounter. In everyone's eyes I will see the Divine. I will never lose faith in the belief that all is well and that God does provide. I will live in a state of appreciation every day.


With love and gratitude,
Lisa

The Second Round

Well...two down, six to go. I'd like to say that lessons learned from chemo #1 really paid off for an easier ride chemo #2, but that's just not how it works. At least that's not how it worked for me.

Wednesday's infusion was fine (believe it or not, that's the easy part!), but just like the first round, it didn't take long for the effects to be felt. Within an hour I didn't want to leave my recliner. So, I listened to my body, napped, relaxed and did whatever it asked of me.

My sister, Gina, is here this time and what a wonderful blessing that is! Having her here to visit with me made a big difference in how I felt those first two days (Wed/Thu)...Unfortunately, I don't think anything or anybody could have made Friday any easier.

Apparently, Friday will be my day of chemo hell. Like with anything else, there's always that rock bottom place. The beauty of rock bottom is that you know it's gotta look up from there! So, I kept reminding myself of that. Problem I'm finding with chemo though...it's all so unpredictable. And THAT is looking like the lesson I need to learn this time.

This cycle hasn't duplicated the last one. Adjustments I made to try to improve how I'd feel this time were lost in the changes and I was left with this...you can't control it. Accept, release, let go - stop trying to predict. I guess it's like the final vestige of that letting go thing that's been so challenging for me. I found myself still trying to sort it out, control the process, when what I need to do is just take things moment by moment.

So...Friday, chemo had it's way with me. But, Friday night, I rallied what strength I could and did something for me. I shaved my head. I had decided to do it a long time ago and I knew that chemo would take my hair soon, so I gained the upper hand and did it myself!

I was certainly not looking my best - barely managed to get dressed for the occasion. Afterwards, I was exhausted. But while doing it...I felt inspired, confident, strong, courageous, and ready to fight! I like the new look...channeling a little of Sinead O'Connor's spirit ;)...and so far, I'm not big on the wigs. But, we'll see.

Today is another day. Slow improvement, but improvement nonetheless. Tomorrow better still? Oh, right. There I go with expectations again!

In this moment, all is well. And that my friends, is all that ever really matters.

Love you!!
xo

Lisa

Emotional Rollercoaster

Hey everyone...


I admit it. I'm having a very bad attitude day! Woke up that way and it went downhill from there. So much to be angry, indignant, upset, and unhappy about!!


Now, you might be saying - "Well, you do have cancer and you are going through chemo..." or you may be saying, "What do you have to be so unhappy about?"


It doesn't matter either way. It doesn't matter what YOU think and it doesn't matter how I may or may not try to rationalize how I'm feeling. Fact is, I'm STILL having a bad attitude day - and I'm STILL the only one who can choose to change that. 


Being a Deliberate Creator means knowing on a very profound level that YOU are in charge. If it's in my life, I created it. I attracted it. My "Note from the Universe" the other day summed it up: 

"On the one hand, I realize it must seem quite disconcerting when you see "bad things" happening to "good people," and "good things" happening to "bad people." 

On the other, Lisa, couldn't this be seen as proof that "thoughts becoming things" is an inviolate law? No matter who thinks what? That all are innately endowed with supernatural powers? That I pass no judgment? And that there is nothing you cannot have, do, or be if you can first think it? Feeling better? Besides, nothin' happens to anyone, Lisa, that isn't a gift in disguise." The Universe

That said, my bad day is about ME. It's no one else's "fault" that I feel the way I do today (not even "cancer's") and no one else can "fix" it. It's about me, me, and oh yeah, me. 

So, after a few hours of swimming around in my toxic vibrational soup, I decided it was time to get out. 

The first thing I did wasn't what you might think a googly-eyed pollyanna might do (and no, I'm not a googly-eyed pollyanna, despite what some may think!). The very first thing I did was recognize that my bad attitude was bringing out a feisty side of me (energy!) that I could choose to channel any way that I wished (for good or evil! hehe), so I channeled it into knocking a few things off that nagging "to-do" list that kept me from sleeping in this morning. It worked. 

Then, feeling just a tiny bit better and ready to leverage it up - I dialed into my GVCA (Good Vibe Coaching Academy) group call to spend some time with my high vibe-ing fellow LOA coaches ;). A proven vibe lifter...my bad attitude didn't stand a chance!

The first bump up the vibrational scale came just from being on the line - hearing their voices, feeling the positive energy flowing. Then, Jeannette Maw, probably THE single coach I admire most in the world, blew my bad attitude right out of the water...when she said that SHE found me inspiring! That my "letting go", surrendering to what is, was something she admired and that had inspired her. 

WHOA!!! Stop the presses!! No bad attitude can live through THAT kind of high praise! All I had flowing now was love and appreciation and joy!! (Thank you Jeannette!!!!)

Then, a comment I made as part of the discussion helped a fellow coach shift her perspective. WOW!! Ching, ching, ching! I was racking up those vibrational points now! Thing is, it's a little like momentum. Once you get going, you're in the stream of well-being and it carries you with EASE!

And, not only did my attitude improve by the end of that call, I made a few (re)realizations too...

I AM making a difference. I DO positively impact the lives of others. My life DOES matter. AND, I am entitled to FEEL GOOD, DAMN IT!!! 

You see, bad attitude was gone, feisty stayed ;). Hehe ;).

One hot, steamy shower later and here I am writing to you. Feeling much better, but not immune to getting spit out of the Vortex again at any time. Thing is, I know how to straighten myself out and get back in...but, I have to WANT to and I have to remember that it's up to ME and no one else. 

It's OK to have a bad day once in a while. Look what it did for me today! Just remember, it's up to YOU to decide when you've had enough and you're ready  to turn it around...and if you need some assistance with that let me know (insert shameless promo here...hehe) at www.deliberatesensuality.com. 

Wishing you lots and lots of good days my friends, with only a little contrast thrown in to help you appreciate them ;). 

Namaste,

Lisa

P.S. You can find links to more info about Jeannette Maw, founder of Good Vibe University and co-founder of GVCA on my website. If you're curious about Law of Attraction (LOA), Deliberate Creation, or just plain want to know what the heck I'm talking about when I mention things like the Vortex, or vibrational alignment...let me know and I'll be happy to explain! If you want your own Note from the Universe delivered to your inbox daily, visit TUT.com. Thanks!

First Chemo Treatment - check!

Well, I can check off my first chemo treatment - done! Just seven more to go...whew.

I was nervous in the morning, but not too bad. Things went pretty smoothly, though they were very busy due to all the cancellations during the height of the flooding. Yesterday was the first day the infusion center had reopened. My appointment was at 10am.

I picked out a recliner and settled in. They had a chair right there for my "chemo buddy" Mary Ann too. It's not as luxurious as you may be picturing right now - it SURELY wasn't what I pictured, but comfortable nonetheless. Then, I met my chemo nurse - Jodi. She is fabulous!! Very kind and gentle. Explained everything as we went along. I'll spare most of the details because a) they probably aren't that interesting and b) I'm not sure how long I'll last sitting here at the computer - ha!

First you get "pre-meds". I get three different anti-nausea meds. Each one is infused separately. Once those are on board, they bring out the "big guns". My first chemo med is Adriamycin - toxic stuff. It comes in a bag and it looks like cranberry juice. The nurses have to wear all kinds of protective gear because it is so caustic. Adriamycin is the drug that will make my hair fall out, send me into menopause (thankfully just a year or two early!), give me nausea and fatigue, could cause heart problems, etc...Nice, eh? Nasty stuff for a nasty cancer.This gets pushed into my port-a-cath via syringe. The nurse literally stands there pushing it in slowly. You don't feel it really. There's an odd sensation as it goes through the catheter, but not uncomfortable - just kind of freaky.

Each time a new med was infused I got a head rush. NOT a feeling I've ever enjoyed! But, it goes away, leaving me just a little woozy. Next chemo drug is Cytoxan. That's an infusion, so they hang the bag. We're infusing mine more slowly because it causes a nasty sinus headache and if you already have sinus issues (as do I), it can be worse. This stuff causes a whole host of other side-effects too, but right now, the main one for me seems to be the headache.

After all that, I'm done! Home a little before 3pm. Felt ok going home, but as I got settled I began to feel progressively more nauseous and woozy and headachy...until...I felt like I'd been hit by a truck - YUK. You know that first day of the flu? Not the one where you think you MIGHT be coming down with something...more like the next day when you realize there's no fighting it - it's here.

Writing a blog post - out of the question. Sleep pretty much out of the question. Eating - forget about it! Did get a few hours in the recliner from midnight to 2-ish, then up to bed until 6am (Em's school wake up time). Once I got Em off to school, I relaxed in the recliner, had a piece of bread and jam and more water (lots and lots and lots of water!! I take mine with lemon oil and cranberry mixed in) took morning meds, and waited for BFF Karen to arrive to drive me to my Neulasta appt today. (I AM feeling very pampered with all these rides!)

Neulasta is the drug that builds my white cells back up. It stimulates a chemical in your bone marrow to produce more white cells. So...as it works initially, you can experience body aches - lower back, hips, sternum, neck, headache...for 3-5 days. They give it as an injection in your arm. Not bad. They warm it up first so really it didn't hurt at all. Quick process...I was in and out.

And, although I'm feeling slightly better for now, I'm fading fast. So, I'll wrap this up. One message that came through loud and clear from doctors, nurses, and those who've been there...when you feel tired - rest. DO NOT PUSH THROUGH IT!!!! Ditto for the days you feel sick. I've learned to listen (see my earlier blog post "EASE").

Those of you connected with me on Fb or via text or even email...my iPhone is always handy. I make no promises about any other kind of computer time for now. I'll update you when I can...love you all!!

xoxo
Lisa

And So It Begins...

Tomorrow is the big day...chemo treatment #1. Yesterday was a big day too...surgery to place a port in my chest. Not the kind of big days I would choose for myself if I could, but steps along the journey.

The port surgery was very successful. In fact the radiology nurse said my images were absolutely perfect! Everything is where it should be, and as it should be...although what they had to do to get it there caused me more than a fair share of pain. There are two incisions one up by my collarbone and another a little lower on my chest. The procedure was done under twilight sedation - and for some reason I didn't fall asleep - at all! The blessing is that I was so drugged up, I didn't care, HA! And, they numb your entire chest, so you don't feel anything more than tugging and pressure.

Afterwards however...whoa! Let's just say that when the block wears off you realize just how much work they did! By this morning, I felt like I had been in a fight (and no, I don't think I won!). When I looked in the mirror, I understood why...I LOOKED like I had been in a fight too! Not only was I bruised, but you could see the catheter tube under my skin where it enters the jugular vein and the triangle-shaped  port that it connects to on the other end. Kind of creepy - yet cool ;).

It helped to hear from the nurse, who called this afternoon, that it was all perfectly normal...the level of pain I was experiencing was to be expected for a couple of days. Ice helped tremendously, so I kept applying it and tonight it's bearable. Feeling all that stuff under my skin may take some adjustment though.

My mind is shifting to tomorrow now and my first chemo treatment. A mom-friend from school, who I've known and worked with on committees and boards for many years has graciously offered to be my chemo buddy. She'll drive me to and from and keep me company. BFF Betty Ann may actually get some work done and visit me at lunchtime (hehe). I may have other visitors too...and who knows, maybe I'll be the most popular girl at chemo!

I'm packing my fully charged iPhone, my brand new Kindle (pre-loaded with a great book by friend and awesome author Kim Falconer!), and a notebook in case I want to write. That should give me plenty to do - along with all that company I'll have ;). And, I'm dressing for this party! No sweats for me! Shower, make up, hair (while I still have it!), nice outfit, jewelry...There's a LOT of truth to the Look Good, Feel Better philosophy. Gotta dress the part - I am healthy, whole, and complete (Oh, and still pretty damn hot for 50! Hehe).

Tonight I got to chat with a new friend, who recently completed breast cancer treatments. She gave me lots of great hints and tips for getting through it. As it turns out, her drug combo and treatment schedule were exactly the same as mine and at the same hospital too! It was so wonderful to talk to her...and I'm grateful to my BFF Karen for introducing us.

So, here we go! Ready as I'll ever be...back to my sassy, feisty self, and also ready for bed! Ha. One of my favorite quotes, "Rest is a weapon" is advice that I'll likely need to remember over the next four months.

I'll let you know how I'm doing tomorrow night. It may be a long day - they told me to expect that the first time, so my next post may be short, but I'll at least let you all know how it goes.

For now, sweet dreams!
xoxo
Lisa

Reaching for Relief

It’s been a couple of weeks since you’ve heard from me. During that time I’ve had several blog posts in mind. But each time, as I got ready to write, my thoughts shifted or life shifted…and well…nothing ever made it to “paper”. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Or, in the spirit of being non-judgmental, it is neither good nor bad…it simply is what it is…which leads me to the thoughts I’d like to share with you today. 

Although many of my posts are focused on the positive – awareness of, and appreciation for, blessings; finding joy in the moment; attracting the reality we desire through the deliberate focus of our thoughts; releasing resistance to what is, and attachment to the outcomes we seek – this one feels like it needs to include something a little different.

In fact, I feel even more strongly about that statement now, than when I wrote that first paragraph almost a week ago. Since then, my hometown and the entire region where I live, has been devastated by flooding of historic magnitude as a result of Tropical Storm Lee. And, I’ve found myself wondering how to be positive in light of so much loss and suffering. Should I even try? 

Here’s the only conclusion I’ve come to so far…While I know, without a doubt, there will be blessings that unfold as a result of this situation, the pain and reality is just too raw right now to allow all but the most obvious to be visible.

So…in the spirit of finding relief in any thought that feels even slightly better than where I am at right now (Step One for Deliberate Creators)… I am thankful for those most obvious of blessings:

• My daughter and I, as well as my parents a few streets over, are high and dry, safe at home. We have enough food and water to sustain us through this. We have power and cable/Internet – luxuries compared to many right now. In this moment, all is well. 
• There hasn’t been a massive loss of life. Material things have been taken from many – in fact, countless thousands have lost virtually EVERYTHING they possess – but, they still have their lives, their loved ones, and a chance to rebuild, start over.
• It cannot rain forever. Eventually the sun will come out again. Of this, I am sure.
• Disasters bring out the best in communities. Already people are reaching out to each other, helping in any way that they are able. Lasting bonds are being formed.
• I got a few extra days with my daughter ;)…extended summer break with school being closed.
• The inability to get out and about has led to an extended period of “downtime” to really go within – to think about my priorities, the journey ahead, and any necessary course corrections I need to make in my life’s path. 

Interestingly enough…I could go on! And that’s exactly what happens when you actively LOOK for blessings and intentionally APPRECIATE them. More appear and then still more. It works in reverse too. Look for the pain, the hardships, the tragedies…trust me, you’ll find them…and more where they came from too.

For now I'll take a balanced approach and accept that the pain of all that is occurring and all that is about to occur, as well as the overwhelm I’m experiencing every now and again as a result, is simply a part of the process. Contrast in its truest, harshest form. But, I will also actively reach for whatever relief in the form of blessings I can find and appreciate that with all my might. Savoring every last drop of pleasure I can find in the present moment, and the next one, and the one after that…until there are more pleasures and blessings than there are heartaches and challenges. Until I find EASE again – however long that takes – and I encourage you to do the same.

Monday (Sep 12) will be surgery day for me once again. A vascular surgeon will place a port in my chest, connecting catheters into the large vein leading to my heart. It’s through that “port” that I’ll receive my chemo treatments – beginning Wednesday the 14th. I am thankful that the hospital is still standing, and that the flood of 2006 led them to build massive flood walls to protect the hospital from events such as this, and that those flood walls appear to have done their job.

Flowing blessings and appreciation to each and every one of you my dear friends and family!

Love,
Lisa

Hot, Fiery, Feisty and Ready to GO!!

SURPRISE!!

Truly, I'm thinking I should have done this YEARS ago!! I absolutely LOVE my new look ;). And, although it doesn't really matter what you think (hehe), I hope you like it too ;). It's red - though you can't really tell in this photo. My hair is naturally light brown with some reddish highlights, though it's gotten darker through the years.

I've had long hair (or growing into long hair) for well over a decade. Time for a change. And, another way that cancer pushed me off the ledge. It's only hair!! I'm donating an 8"-10" ponytail to Pantene for the real hair wigs they donate to breast cancer patients like me ;).

Somewhat sadly - I'll only have this hair for a little over a month, but I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it until then!! And, I'm going to have rockin' good fun in between too!

So...tell me what you think - but don't expect a quick reply...I'm going to be out investigating whether redheads do indeed have more fun (I KNOW I will!!! hehe!).

BTW...my daughter got her hair cut short too...though not this short. It looks awesome on her, but SHE hasn't fully gotten acclimated yet (ahem!) and is most likely currently wondering just what momma talked her into!

So Emilee (because I know you're reading this!), I'm telling you straight up - you look FABULOUS!!!! and I LOVE YOU for being such as sport and supporting your mom this way!!! Only you - the very best daughter in the entire world - would do this for me :). (see Em, I did a smiley - not a winky face - just for you!). I love you baby girl!!!!

xoxo
Lisa

Controlling What You Can...

Ok - so my last post was about EASE and I've talked about letting go, but today it's about taking back my power - or better yet, not giving it up if I don't have to...because to me, it's just as important to control what you can, as it is to release your resistance to what is.

Yesterday was my appointment with the medical oncologist. That's the specialist responsible for my chemotherapy. The appointment was early - 8am - and despite my "not a morning person" ways, I was up and excited to go. Odd perhaps, but I was just feeling very ready to know the details - to get on with it.

So, I played my "vibe lifting" playlist while I got ready and found myself quite relaxed and happy.

The appointment went very smoothly. Almost no wait time (a nice change!) and my doc is the best ;). Bff/PHP Betty Ann came along, as did Emilee. For those of you who don't know her - my daughter is quite the mature 11 1/2 year old and we have always had a very close bond, so keeping her completely in the loop is very natural for us - we wouldn't have it any other way.

As expected, because my breast cancer is such an aggressive variety (triple negative), it needs to be treated aggressively. I'll be on what they call "dose dense" therapy - high doses, delivered on a shorter interval cycle, every other week. I'll need four cycles of one drug cocktail (a mixture of two drugs) and four cycles of another mix. Altogether 16 weeks - or 4 months of therapy.

During that time, I'll go on a Wednesday for the chemo infusion (it takes several hours), then on Thursday for an infusion of a drug that builds my white blood cells back up (after the chemo kills them off - nice, eh?!). A week off, during which I'll have blood tests to see how I'm tolerating the treatments. Then back again for the next treatment.

The doctor told me the side effects that I would most definitely have - and those that I "may" have - and those that happen in more rare circumstances. Trust me, the list is not happy reading!

I decided then and there to accept the ones that I must and make the best of them. For instance, he was able to tell me, to the day, when I'd lose my hair - ALL of it. There will be fatigue and nausea - and because of a pre-existing GI issue, they may not be able to control the nausea as well as they ordinarily do...and I'll also experience the sudden onset of menopause (and all the joys that go with that!). With the second round of four cycles, I'll get all of that PLUS a high probability of muscle/joint pain, and neuropathies (numbness & pain in my feet).

Well, I may not be able to control the fatigue, nausea, and menopause - but, I decided I CAN exercise SOME control over the hair loss! The day before I am supposed to lose it, I'm shaving it all off. I will make an occasion of it, in fact. And, when the time comes, I'll let you all know in advance so that you can celebrate with me from wherever you are, with a cocktail and a toast - or however you'd like ;). I haven't fully decided the details, but who knows, maybe I'll even video it for you!

The "maybe" side effects are another area where I have some control - to those I say "Not me!". I INTEND to be the exception.

And my "ultimate" power play yesterday - exercising my control by choosing to catch my breath before beginning the next leg of my journey.

Initially, the timetable was - surgical procedure to put in the "port" next week and first treatment the week after. My response - there is no way in hell anyone is putting a "port" into my body during my birthday week!! And, Em's first day of 7th grade is September 7th. A big deal - for her, for me...cancer is NOT going to mess that up!!

So, I pushed it off. In the grand scheme of things a couple of weeks makes absolutely no difference. They'll put in the port the week of September 14th and I'll either start chemo that same week or the week after - I'm just waiting to hear the schedule they put together for me. It was rather funny though, seeing the look on the office assistant's face when I told her I wanted to schedule the appointment further out ;). I'm guessing they don't often hear that!

But, for me it works. I'll celebrate my 50th birthday in every possible way, savoring every moment, all week. I already have some plans in place and there are others "in the works". Most importantly though, it gives me time to "let my soul catch up", as a very wise friend put it. I'll have time with my daughter who absolutely deserves my attention right now (we are planning a secret escape! Shhhh!) and we'll get her settled into a new and very exciting school year. THEN I'll take the next step - with a good attitude and a higher vibe in place...strong, resilient, and ready to rock chemo out of the ballpark!

I got a card from one of my Bff's yesterday...on the cover was "The Cancer Vixen" - a cartoon character - kicking cancer's butt ;). She picked the perfect card because that's exactly how I feel and that's exactly what I'm getting ready to do!

So, there's your update. Right now, I'm controlling what I can and making peace with the rest.

Can you relate? Is there something happening in your life where you can do that? I'd love to hear your stories too! And, as always, if you need a little manifesting support or help with an attitude adjustment...check out my coaching services at www.deliberatesensuality.com! (Ok, ok, shameless plug, but hey - I am absolutely IN LOVE with what I do - and I want all the FEEL GOOD that I can get! Hehehe)

Until next time...

Much love,
Lisa

EASE

On New Year's Day, 2011 I chose a word - just one word - to describe the overall feeling I intended to experience over the course of this year. A theme, if you will. That word is EASE.

I chose it for a lot of reasons - not the least of which is the obvious - hey, who wouldn't enjoy a little more EASE in their life, right?!

It also fits with my philosophy. Manifesting what you desire in life is about allowing and attracting, not chasing your desire uphill and wrestling it to the ground. Allowing happens with EASE.

Trust brings EASE. Ease requires trust. Trust that God and the Universe will bring you exactly what you need, at precisely the right time - Divine timing - because we can’t always see the “big” picture. Trust in a benevolent Universe…the belief that God wants us to be happy and that if we ask, we shall receive. Not beg, not bargain, not work for it. Simply ask, trust, and allow.

EASE makes sense when you understand that pushing doesn’t bring it faster. No amount of effort will summon forth that which you desire, if you are not yet aligned with it…

EASE does not negate desire. It invites desire. When contrast arrives in its wake, reminding us of what we do not want, ease tells us to experience it and let it go.

Ease is about feeling good no matter what and knowing that’s the feeling that will bring you closer to what you desire.

In fact, the ease and feeling good actually IS the desire, if you really stop and think about it. It’s not the successful business, or the house, or the guy, or the vacation…it’s the feeling of EASE and joy and peace that you believe all those things will bring you!

And so, it made perfect sense that EASE should be my word of the year for 2011. Anyone who knows me knows I was overdue for some ease (not to mention joy and peace!). Making EASE my word of the year also served as a challenge – or at least a reminder - to live my beliefs.

But then, how funny is it that I was diagnosed with breast cancer – a dis-EASE - at almost exactly the half way point in the year?? I guess if it was a challenge I wanted, it was a challenge I got! And you know what? It’s teaching me all kinds of new lessons about EASE that I’m not sure I would have learned any other way.

Cancer is a wake-up call. Not the kind that whispers in your ear, or taps you on the shoulder, but a knock you off your horse kind of lightning bolt. Best thing is though, if you really listen right then, you can hear your Inner Self better than ever. Trusting what you hear can give you the inspiration and the courage to step into the life you truly desire.

There were messages from my body and from my Inner Self that I had ignored for years. There were a lot of things I “struggled with” and plenty more that I felt “on the cusp” of having or doing. But there I stood…on the ledge…scared and making excuses…unable to jump, afraid to fall, waiting for permission, looking for approval, sure I wasn’t quite ready, because I didn’t yet know how to fly.

Cancer was my push off the ledge.

But to my surprise, I didn’t fall! I may not be flying with perfect form or grace, but I haven’t hit the ground either. And there’s a weightlessness about it…

I think that’s EASE!

I don’t think I fully understood the feeling of it before. Losing control. Letting go. Allowing. EASE!

And now I’m listening. Following my intuition AND my feel good…like my life depends on it...because you know what? It DOES. And so does yours!

There is no putting off – there is only NOW. Ready is about jumping, not the preparation! Permission is about wanting and feeling worthy and allowing yourself to have what you desire. Approval comes from within – no one else can give it to you. Love is eternal and if it’s real, it’s unconditional. Love is what keeps you aloft – it’s what your wings are made of and it lives inside of you. And the breeze – all those currents made for gliding – that’s God’s invitation.

And I'm inviting you too! Fluff up your wings and join me! It may take some getting used to, but once you try it you’ll never stay poised on the edge again. You won’t be alone - I’ll be happy to hold your hand, help you chart your course, and encourage you all along the way.

You can also check out my coaching practice, Deliberate Sensuality, if you like. My website is up at www.deliberatesensuality.com. Check it out – and if you like it, spread the word! It took cancer to knock me off my horse, but you can choose differently ;).

Love you!
Lisa

Lovely Luna

For those of you who read my "Meow" post a few weeks ago...I thought you'd like an update on Luna - the starving kitten who showed up at my front door, late at night on the full moon.

This is a photo of Luna just a few days after I invited her in. She's a cutie - long fur, petulant little (big?!) meow and a tendency to nip at your leg when you ignore her pleas for more food!

It actually took me a while to warm up to her. Not at all typical for me with cats. I don't know if it was timing (I really didn't need the complication right then!), or her, but I really wasn't at all sure I wanted to keep her.

We called around on signs, or lost postings at shelters, etc...but would you believe no one even called us back?? Not even to say - "Thanks anyway, found our cat". Hmmm. Meanwhile, she grew on me.

And she grew in general!!!

When she arrived she was fur and bones. Never saw a kitty closer to starvation. Very sad. She's less than a year old. But, fueled by "stray cat syndrome" (as my sister calls it), she has eaten nonstop and packed on a few pounds already! I think she's even growing into that tail of hers! ;)

Looking healthier than ever and completely at home here - you can see a more recent shot of Luna at the bottom of this post.

I must say, she bonded with my sister first - and I think Luna still misses her a little, but we're good now. And yes, she's found a comfy new home with us. Luna is now pampered kittypet number two for our all-girl household ;).

She IS awfully soft, her kitten ways hard to resist, and her purrr IS incredible. She's very, very frisky now that she's stronger - and that means Bella is getting a workout more often too. Can't help but be healthy for her, right?! Even if it does keeps ME up at night! They chase, and tussle, and hiss, and meow, and box, and grapple...oh my!! Sometimes even the fur flies, but deep down I think Bella understands and cares about Luna.

So, whether it was meant to be, or whether Luna has/had a message for me, I still can't say - but she's part of the family now - for better or worse.

Clear margins! Whoo hoo!!

Just returned from my post-op visit where I got the very best news...Surgical margins are clean (no cancer there), the tumor measured out at 1.5cm, and the final pathology showed no cancer cells in the sentinel lymph nodes they removed. So my surgeon got it all out! Whoo hoo! Yippee!

I'm officially Stage 1 now, based on the final pathology report. The Triple Negative (TNBC) status complicates it a bit, but everything else is looking good and in my favor.

On top of all that good news, my incisions look good (healing) and I'm not experiencing the kind of numbness and tingling that can mean nerves were damaged in the harvesting of the lymph nodes. I already have almost normal range of motion in that shoulder - particularly good news since I'm still rehabing the right shoulder! A little at home exercise/therapy and it'll be good as new ;).

The surgeon did a beautiful job with my breast! Once it heals, the scar will be barely noticeable (if at all). Radiation may leave some scarring, but I'm holding the perspective that there will be little or no cosmetic damage at all.

I'm still swollen, bruised and sore - to be expected and totally manageable. Only needed 4 Vicodin throughout this whole ordeal.

Next appointment is with my medical oncologist, Wed August 17th. That's when we'll begin making plans for chemo. The week after that, back to the surgeon for a final check.

Meanwhile, I will bask in a whole week of "normal" - no treatments, no appointments ;). Sounds like the perfect time for some "feel good" activities!! I have so much to celebrate and be grateful for!

Cheers,
Lisa

Appreciation, Balance, & Boundaries

The only way I can imagine beginning this post is with a huge heartfelt "Thank you!!" Thank you for your support, your prayers, the healing energy so many of you sent, and for your love. I have absolutely felt the strength of it - last Wednesday, each day before, and every day since.

The Angels stayed close to me. Surgery was successful and my lymph nodes are clear. Tomorrow I'll find out whether the surgical margins (the tissue around the tumor) are clean (free of cancer cells) - and a whole lot of other details, when I go to my post-operative appointment. I will be sure to post another note tomorrow night to let you all know how it goes.

Meanwhile, I have been relaxing (way more than usual!), recuperating, and spending lots of time in a state of appreciation for my many blessings.

One such blessing was having my sister here with me (who I jokingly refer to as my older sister - although she is two years younger than me - ha!). She was there at the hospital when I woke up from surgery and she stayed with me until Sunday morning - taking care of anything and everything I needed. I'm betting we never could have imagined THAT scenario as teenagers! Now, living four hours apart, we never seem to get enough time together. So when we do, I savor every moment of it! This time I got to be the center of attention - an added bonus to be sure! Hehehe ;). Love you Gina!!

I was also blessed with the company of a few close friends and family over the weekend...not to mention gifts of food, flowers, and a breathtakingly beautiful rose quartz healing crystal. I have been and remain stunned - in grateful utter amazement - at all of the support that surrounds me!

Which brings me to the title of my post - Appreciation, Balance, & Boundaries.

I've talked about my appreciation frequently in these posts. There is no way to overstate it. And, it does feel very, very good here on the receiving end...which makes me want to give that much more in the hopes I can generate this kind of "feel good" vibe for someone else. Giving and receiving pure love - that's the net-net of it all, isn't it?

Balance has been more of an ongoing lesson. A dance I have yet to master - and probably never will - because as soon as I think I have it down, the music will change and the steps will need to change with it. Cancer isn't just a new melody, but a whole new musical genre!

Since my diagnosis, I have found that I need to pay particular attention to balance in several key areas. The time that I spend with others versus time spent alone is a big one. I've always been a very social person - time with others feeds my energy levels. I've also enjoyed the time that I spend alone. My work is very solitary and rarely has that bothered me. Now, I've found that I need to redefine things a bit.

Too much time spent alone - unless I am completely engaged in something, or sleeping - can be more detrimental than enjoyable. By the same token, too much time with too many people, and too much social stimulation feels overwhelming right now. Having my sister and my daughter right here with me the last few days - that felt perfect.

There is balance in doing nothing versus creative pursuits or working. Balance in giving and receiving. Balance in discipline and relaxing our standards. Balance in rest and exercise.

The point is, I'm feeling my way through it. Just like we all have to do. And, it's well worth it because when I am in a state of balance, centered, in alignment with Who I Really Am, I am able to flow downstream with life - easily and effortlessly. If you haven't felt this way lately (or ever), I highly encourage you to devote some time to your personal dance as well. Like I said, it's worth it.

Which brings me to Boundaries...and the realization that it's tough to find balance without setting boundaries - with myself and with others. I'm learning to set boundaries for myself at the edge of doing "just enough" - a lesson sometimes learned at the expense of doing a little too much. I had just "discovered" and happily set new boundaries between my work life and personal life at the beginning of June when we moved to our new home and I set up my awesome new office. Now those boundaries are being tested once more and adjusted to fit my new circumstances.

More challenging still, I'm learning to speak up - lovingly - and set personal boundaries around the time I spend with others. Does it feel good and inspire me? Delight me and make me laugh? Or, is it too much? Does it leave me drained or feeling down? Am I spending my time doing what I believe is expected of me, out of a feeling of obligation - or what feels good to me, from a place of joy? Time is precious and finite. We get to choose how we spend each moment of it, but we can never rewind it.

Cancer is a life changing experience - no doubt about it - for better or worse. I intend that for me, it will be for the better. I also intend that for those of you who wish it, MY cancer can be YOUR life changing experience - so that you don't have to travel this same journey yourself.

Love yourself - first and foremost. Listen for the melody and find the dance steps that lead you to alignment. Stay there ;)...for as long as possible, as often as possible. Set some healthy boundaries - you'll know they're healthy if they feel good. And remember - life was meant to FEEL GOOD - just like love. Which brings us full circle again - doesn't it?

Love,
Me

Countdown to Surgery

Less than 10 hours to surgery and it's time to take another leap of faith. Actually, this feels like the first BIG leap of faith on this journey!

The biopsy, the surgical consults, all the other testing - those were mere hops, preparing me for this.

While the process of preparing for surgery has been the same as any other surgery I've had, this one is very different in some notable ways...

It requires me to let go of my attachment to the outcome and trust that all will be divinely guided for my best and highest good.

When I wake up in the recovery room I will have either had a "few" lymph nodes removed for "sampling" (minor), or as many as 20 of them (major). If it was just a few, my cancer hasn't spread. More than a "sampling" and it has...But, I can't know, won't know - until it's done deal.

Choosing a lumpectomy carries the risk of additional surgeries. If my margins aren't clear, if the tumor is larger than anticipated - I could wind up going through this all over again in a couple of weeks! I won't know until next Tuesday whether they got it all. Not something I can control. I can only wait and trust.

There is another element to all that waiting and trusting though. Intention. And I INTEND that I am fine no matter what, no conditions, no bargaining. That pretty much covers it, doesn't it? It's all about being ok - right now, in the moment, no matter what. And, I am. So why worry?

Besides - if going over the edge into the abyss of the unknown is the only way to get from here to there - I say better to jump than get pushed! (Hmmm...that MAY just be my inner control freak speaking up again! Hehe!)

OK so, I have some other intentions too...I intend to rest and heal for a few days (something I haven't always given myself the benefit of). I intend to surround myself with positive influences and lots of love. I intend to make my needs known, accept help graciously, and set reasonable boundaries. I intend to treat myself with the kind of love and respect that I would have for my daughter, my sister, my parent, or my best friend.

And, I will thank God for ALL of it. Every moment, every breath. All the experiences along the way - the contrast, the blessings, the strength and wisdom and grace. I will welcome it and experience it all with gusto - no resistance - the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. Then I'll simply move on to the next experience.

Whew!

I will keep you posted. I will let you know when I know. I lovingly and gratefully accept your prayers, your positive healing thoughts, white light, angels, love - whatever good stuff you choose to send my way ;). Thank you - from the bottom of my heart.

And - a very special thank you to my beloved Spiritual Mastermind Group. I feel your powerful healing energy with me always and I know I will be receiving it in concentrated doses during my surgery ;). I am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing group of individuals. xo

Goodnight everyone!

With love,
Lisa

A Little Bit of Overwhelm...

There's nothing like a morning at the hospital to make it all just a little too real...

Friday was my final surgical consult. Time to decide if a lumpectomy was right for me. Factors to consider included the possibility of more surgery if the margins around the tumor aren't cancer free - and, if things look really bad, I could end up needing a mastectomy anyway...Intending a positive outcome, I chose the lumpectomy.

We won't know if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes until surgery, when they remove my sentinel nodes for biopsy. That's a separate incision underneath my arm. They'll do the biopsy while I'm still "under" and based on what they find, the surgeon makes the decision about whether or not to remove more of them (called an Axillary lymph node disection). When I wake up, I will have either had a few nodes removed or a whole lot of them. On one hand, relatively minor surgery; on the other pretty major surgery with long term implications.

I won't know for sure until it's all over. That's pretty challenging stuff for a recovering control freak to wrap her mind around! All that uncertainty...and no control.

All in all though, I've been pretty proud of myself for the way I've been able to let go and trust. I've made mammoth leaps in that regard!! My mantra has benn absolutely sincere - "I am fine, no matter what, no conditions, no bargaining"...But, that doesn't mean there aren't days when I'd still rather just go to sleep and wake to find this was all some freaky nightmare.

And - Friday was one of those days.

All the discussion about the specifics of needles and incisions wasn't helping. Before surgery (and before anesthesia), they'll do an ultrasound guided procedure to place a needle into the tumor. It's called "Pre-operative needle localization". It assists the surgeon in his approach to cutting out the tumor and surrounding area in a very precise way. Sounds delightful :(.

Then, of course, there's the IV...I haven't always had a lot of luck with those. My veins have been known to get stage fright before surgery and go for a deep dive - especially in a cold room, after having no fluids for a while. Add to all that the fact that anesthesia has never been my friend (though I sure wouldn't want to do surgery without it!!) and you'll understand why the reality of surgery was really starting to sink in - and chase all my feel good vibes away.

Amidst all this uncertainty and unpleasantness (not a healthy environment for thoughts, by the way!)...I began to think about work - I was feeling overwhelmed by emails and my to-do list, I was wondering how I'd find the energy and focus to keep up with it all, and my fear was reminding me that I must - regardless of how I felt. It's like that when you're a self-employed single mom. It's up to me - no one else.

I thought about how long this journey might last. I was already feeling like I was falling hopelessly behind on virtually EVERYTHING in my life! Originally I envisioned being done with my treatments by Fall - ready to move on...then I met a lady who was diagnosed last July and she just finished treatment in March. She had what she called "garden variety" breast cancer. Hmmm...wonder what that means when you have the non-garden variety?? It felt like another blow...

Anyway - you get the idea...My thoughts became like a muddy landslide, burying any glimmer of a good attitude. At first I fought it, but really? I know better! The best remedy is to take the time and allow yourself to FEEL it, without judgment. It also helps to indulge in one of my favorite solutions for finding some relief - a nap! So, that's exactly what I did.

A little while later, I got myself up, put on a dress and went out to dinner with friends ;). Nothing like it for shifting my attitude! Dressing up is powerful for me. Socializing with people I enjoy and care about feeds my energy. And speaking of feeding? A fabulous meal always does wonders for my spirits ;). By the end of the night, I was doing much better. (**Thanks Frank & Traci!!)

I can't say I accomplished a single thing I had planned over the rest of the weekend, but it's a new week. Another fresh start. Another opportunity to seek relief through the thoughts that feel best...and to accept all that comes our way. It's another chance to appreciate life...moment by moment by moment.

Wishing you a week full of feel good moments!
xoxo
Lisa

More good news!!

Good morning everyone!

I have more good news to report! My genetic testing came back early - and with the very best result possible - NEGATIVE!!

This puts me on a clear track for a lumpectomy (versus mastectomy). My next surgical consult is this Friday morning and my surgery is now tentatively scheduled for Wednesday, August 3rd.

We still won't be able to make any other treatment decisions until about a week after surgery when I get my full pathology report. By then we'll know things like - whether my lymph nodes were clear, what kind of "margins" they took (tissue surrounding the tumor) and biopsy results of that tissue(cancer cells present or not), the "grade" of the tumor, etc...That's also when they will officially "stage" my cancer.

At that point, I'll have my consultations with the medical oncologist (chemo decisions) and the radiation oncologist (to see if I qualify for the 5-day radiation protocol - or what the recommendation will be).

I am very fortunate to have a top notch medical oncologist who uses a form of specialized testing and analysis that pulls in all the facts from my pathology reports and genetic testing, looks at the tumor's molecular markers and determines a highly individualized chemo regimen.

It's amazing how far we've come in medical science - and all that they discover each new day!!

The fact that it is a triple negative cancer is still a concern. Only 10-15% of all breast cancer is triple negative and it is harder to treat, more likely to recur, and generally more aggressive. I suppose there is still a chance that after all this is said and done, I may still have to go back for more surgery - but, I'm intending that I am the exception to the rule...that my triple negative cancer gets resolved right here and now, that I receive all the messages and blessings intended for me, and that I get to move on, without fear or worry of recurrance ;).

The results of the genetic testing, I should add, is good news not only for me, but for all of my relatives as well! My sister and my daughter especially. They still have that ugly family history risk, but at least I didn't have to hand them one more big risk factor.

So...that's all I have for today. Live, love, and savor the moments!!

xoxo
Lisa

Lessons in Receiving

Although I seem to find myself saying it often, I think it bears repeating -There have been so many blessings unfolding on this journey already, it is almost a challenge now to see it as anything but a gift! I know that may seem odd to many of you, but that's exactly how it feels to me right now.

Granted, the tough part has yet to begin - surgery, treatments...but, I feel like I definitely have the acceptance thing down...and they say that's a big part of transitioning successfully through the experience.

Note the way I said that. It was intentional. "Transitioning through the experience" - I intend to journey my way through this - not fight my way out of it. Success comes with EASE, not fighting. At least in my world.

And knowing that is one of the blessings!

Another is exercising my "receiving muscles"...Receiving is not something that comes easily to everyone. We can get so used to giving - and the feel good that comes from that - that we can forget to allow in all the gifts that others want to give us (and in doing so, unintentionally deprive them of the gift of pleasure that giving gives them!).

Saturday night, my BFF Betty Ann invited me over for dinner, a swim, and a movie. Incredibly relaxing! So good to spend time in a place and with people you feel so comfortable with and close to...Exactly the remedy I was looking for that night - and I had no difficulty receiving and appreciating that gift. It was easy and it felt good ;).

Last night, I was visited by three of my favorite ladies who are wonderful friends as well as colleagues. They brought dinner, wine, dessert - and the pleasure of their company. It was delightful!!

Ordinarily, I would have insisted that I do most of the "work" of hosting the evening (providing the food, etc.). Instead, I simply let them - and expressed my appreciation. Wow!! What a feeling! The sky didn't fall, I'm pretty sure they still love me (hehe), and they got to feel great too! What a concept!

I have been so very blessed by all of the people offering their love, support, prayers, positive energy, talents and assistance of every kind with me...here and now, I thank each one of you with all my heart...and I humbly accept your gifts with wide open receiving arms and lots and lots of love <3.

Namaste ~
Lisa

MRI Results

Good morning!

Happy news yesterday from the doctor. My MRI results showed my right breast to be clear (of anything suspicious) and only the tumor we already knew about in the left. Thank God!

Although it isn't a definitive study of the lymph nodes (only the pathology report will tell us for certain whether cancer cells are present), they appear to have "benign properties". I'll take that, thank you very much! And, I intend that the "sampling" during surgery as well as the full pathology report afterwards will tell us the same thing - benign nodes.

For those who may be wondering what "sampling" is, during my surgery, a second incision will be made in the crease under my arm. Through that incision the sentinel lymph nodes will be removed. The sentinel nodes are the "gatekeepers" for all the lymph nodes. Lymphatic fluid drains out of the breast directly into the sentinel nodes first. They find the sentinel nodes by injecting blue dye into my breast during surgery. The first node (or nodes) it travels to is removed for immediate biopsy. Frozen sections are checked while I'm still under anesthesia for a preliminary report. If no cancer cells are found in that node (or nodes), chances are the rest are clear as well and I can avoid what's called a lymph node dissection (removal). If cancer is found, there are 10-20 nodes that must be removed from under my arm...something I would obviously like to avoid!

So, where do I go from here?

Results of the genetic testing should be back late next week or early the following. Then we'll have the information we need to decide on a surgical approach...and set the date. Right now I'm guessing the first or second week of August.

As always - I'll keep you posted! Oh, and for those following the "Luna" story...the half-starved little stray kitten is still here with us, eating up a storm, and tormenting Bella. She is a meowy little thing! I'll keep you posted on that too ;). Maybe even a picture.

Hope you're having a good weekend!

Love,
Lisa

MEOW!

It was a MOST unusual full moon last night! Actually I'd been feeling the energy of it the last few days, but yesterday just seemed to be full of unpredicability.

Emilee and I went to run a few errands and ended up at Sonic, where we unexpectedly (and happily!) met up with some friends. After we got home, I got so productive working that hours flew by. Next thing I knew it was 10pm and I was still convincing Emilee it was time for bed (like mother, like daughter!).

Suddenly, we heard the loudest, most pitiful meows coming from downstairs. I had left the front door open for the delightful breeze. Bella (our wonderful kitty) went running to see "who" it was...Outside the storm door on the front porch was the most desperate looking kitten! She was meowing and pawing at the glass, little nose up against the window...Bella was on the inside meowing back to her, big compassionate eyes looking at kitten, looking at me, looking at kitten and pawing back at the little thing on the other side of the glass.

Emilee of course said, "Let it in, let it in!". I thought about it a few moments, but that poor little thing looked too desperate for me to linger any longer. I picked up Bella (to ensure no unexpected cat fight!) and Em opened the door. That little thing just flew in the door and headed right for Bella's food dish all the way in the kitchen!

Once she got there, she devoured all the food left in the bowl. Then, resumed meowing. Funny thing is, Bella just sat and watched while the kitten ate her food. I think she knew. When kitten's belly was a little less hungry, she was feeling her "oats" apparently and decided to start trouble with Bella - hissing and growling. She explored to her heart's content and decided we had "acceptable" living quarters. Bella was incredibly patient with her, and while there were some exchanged hiss & growls, no paws were unsheathed for a fight ;). Mostly Bella just walked away or sat staring in uncharacteristic tolerance as the kitten did her best to appear big, strong, and mean. Wow.

I got a can of soft food from the pantry and put it on a paper plate. Kitten ate that too! It was obvious now that this kitty would be "overnighting" with us, so I set her up in our downstairs bathroom...litter box, food, water, bed.

Finally, by about 1am, Em and I got to bed.

This morning, kitten, now "temporarily" named Luna (came to us on the full moon and she's a bit of a luna-tic!)...is making herself totally at home. Ate a can of tuna, napping on and off, tormenting Bella now and again, exploring.

Poor little thing is fur and bones!!! I'm guessing she's about 4 months old is all. No telling how long she's been trying to survive out there on her own. We're checking to see if there are any "lost kitten" reports she matches and we'll run a "found" ad in the paper.

I have no illusions about how this usually goes. Still, I can't help but wonder if this is a message (Sarah Seidelmann, any thoughts? She had a lot to say, but I couldn't understand a word of it! Ha...), or part of some Divine plan I know nothing about right now.

Interesting how life works, isn't it? Synchronistic timing...The unfolding of unexpected blessings...Here I am on this journey to wellness and now a kitten - fighting for her survival (surely she was on her way to starvation) shows up at my front door asking for help - trusting that I will and throwing every last drop of her feisty fight for life at what must seem a large fluffy beast...saying with all her might, "I'm here, I'm getting what I need, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" Hehe...

Can't help but think there's a message here. And you know what - kitties always seem to show up exactly when I need them - to inspire me, shift my focus, fill me joy, and purrrr me right into the vortex ;). How cool is that?!

Next post I'll fill you in on some test results...

Have a wonderful, sensual Friday evening!
xoxo
Lisa

More tests

Tuesday morning was spent at the hospital being poked and prodded...I say that kind of humorously because they are so wonderful there. I have never once encountered anyone at Lourdes who has been less than exceptional in every way!

I had an 8am appointment and I was my usual 10 minutes late. I seem to have lost those 10 minutes sometime years ago - and I just haven't ever been able to catch up since!! They already know me at the Breast Care Center - don't know if that happens with everyone or just me, but as soon as I walked through the door the woman at the desk said, "Good morning Lisa". Very cool!

I filled out the paperwork for my genetic testing and went to the lab to have my blood drawn. They were able to draw my pre-op labs at the same time, so one needle stick and three vials of blood later, and I was done in the lab.

Then, off to diagnostic imaging for my MRI. The good news - I got to see my cousin Paulette (who works in that dept.) and there were donuts, muffins, and ahhhhh coffee!! I had been fasting since midnight, so it was a welcome sight. The bad news? Well...MRI with contrast means an IV. Yuk. More poking.

The nurse and technician were fabulous though - and in fact I had a really nice conversation with the nurse about my coaching practice. She suggested that women in health care could really use my message of self-care and appreciation...Hmmm...good idea! Maybe I could offer a seminar or something ;). At the end she gave me a big hug and said that talking to me hhad brightened her whole day. Wow!! That actually made my day!

The MRI went ok. They tell you the contrast could cause nausea or a funny taste in your mouth, but I was fine. Unless you've had one - you can't imagine how you're positioned on the table during the test! Just glad it's over for now - and God bless technology!

I'll have MRI results this week sometime. Genetic testing perhaps by the end of next week. Then we shall see.

I start therapy for my frozen shoulder again on Monday. It's excruciatingly painful - but there's just no easier way to do it. I need that arm back to full power, and full range of motion!

What I really need right now though is some sleep! Fatigue has been hitting me hard. I think my body is working really hard trying to heal itself - physically and emotionally. I guess I better listen this time ;).

Goodnight,
Lisa

I Am Fine No Matter What...

Hello dear friends & family!

If I’ve invited you to follow this blog, you are someone who is very important to me – each in your own way. If you are coming to this without knowing what’s been happening in my life lately – I’m sorry I wasn’t able to share this news with you in a more personal way. It just hasn't been possible to contact everyone individually. Know that you are important to me and that I love you all!

This is simply a means of conserving my energy – energy triage, if you will. And, I'm a writer - it makes sense! I need to guard my energy in other ways as well. I cannot talk cancer 24/7, rehash test results or what the doctors have said (blah, blah, blah!) over and over again, and expect to manifest health, healing, and peace. So, catch up on news of my health here and if you see me or talk to me on the phone - let's talk good stuff! I am fine - really.

Life is for the living – and I intend to continue to live it mindfully, passionately, sensually…savoring every single moment, as if it were the last.

And really, that’s how we all should live anyway! I have been given a gift. I get to live like I am dying – and live to tell about it!! We’re all dying, in one way or another, at one time or another, some faster, some slower, right from the moment we’re born. I’m not intending to move in that direction anytime soon – so, there’s some stuff I’m going to have to journey through.

First, let me catch you up to date. On June 20th, at a routine annual visit with my doctor, a lump was found in my left breast. It took my breath away when he found it. That same week, I had a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound – to take a closer look (so to speak!). The radiologist didn’t like what he saw – despite the fact that my breasts ARE fabulous (hehe) - so I made an appointment with a surgeon.

Exactly one week after the lump was first found, I had a surgical biopsy. Four days later, on June 30th, I got the preliminary pathology report and learned I had breast cancer.

By then I wasn’t surprised. I kind of felt it coming. After the initial upset when the lump was first discovered, I had found my way back to center. Found a way to appreciate the positives, let go of resistance, and script a new story. MANY thanks to Lisa Hayes & Jeannette Maw for guiding me through that process! You are brilliant coaches, the best mentors EVER and two of the most amazing Bff’s I have ever had!! My new mantra became “I am fine no matter what, no conditions, no bargaining”. Wow! What a difference it made - and still makes! No longer just a statement, it is my truth.

Anyway, I had a sense of what was coming next – and unpleasant as it was, I felt ready. A lumpectomy, radiation, done by early fall. My next visit with the surgeon was the following Thursday – July 7th. It didn’t go exactly as I had envisioned.

After further testing, I was diagnosed with “triple negative breast cancer”. For those unfamiliar with the medical terms, it’s a less common sub-class of breast cancer. (ahhh yes...I've always been unique!) It tends to be more aggressive, faster growing, with a higher rate of recurrence. The triple negative refers to the fact there are no estrogen, progesterone, or HER2 receptors present. Women who get triple negative breast cancer often have the BRAC1/BRAC2 gene mutation (the notorious “breast cancer gene”– but not always).

The good news is, it responds to chemo. The bad news is, it requires chemo (something I was hoping to avoid!). But, good, bad, indifferent – it is what it is, and I must do what I must do.

So, more tests. I’m having genetic testing tomorrow (Tue, July 12) and an MRI with contrast of both breasts. The MRI results will come back pretty quickly. The genetic testing results won’t be back to us for 10 working days (end of July). Until then, everything is pretty much on hold. It’s best to have ALL the data before planning our strategy.

That leaves me with a couple weeks “reprieve” before all the fun begins. I’m going to use it wisely – living my life the best way I know how – fearlessly, sensually, fully present. I’ll also be working on convincing my right shoulder to move again – ha! I’ve had adhesive capsulitis (frozen shoulder) for quite a while now and if any of you have experienced that personally, you know how stubborn and painful recovery can be! Yeah…that 50 year maintenance interval can certainly be a bitch!!

On the bright side, some of you may know that Emilee and I moved into our new home on June 1st – and we absolutely LOVE it!! It’s a very spacious three bedroom townhouse. The owners of the home live right next door (we lease) and they are fabulous too! Our yard is an amazing oasis of nature – meticulously & lovingly tended. The design of the house is light and bright – welcoming nature in through great big windows. In the winter, there’s a gas fireplace and radiant heat to keep us warm. The energy here is unmistakably positive. A more perfect place to heal right now I can scarcely imagine!

Most (if not all) of you probably know that I’m self-employed and have been since Emilee was born over 11 years ago (with the exception of a year and a half as Director of Community Relations for our region’s Chamber of Commerce). My PR/Communications Consulting firm, The Write Strategy, is going strong. I have some very cool projects right now and intend to keep things going throughout this process.

In addition, I am well on my way to earning my Coaching Certification and have launched (or at least started to launch!) my coaching practice called Deliberate Sensuality. It’s really me, sharing what I love most – LOVE…love of life, love of fun, self-love, love of others, love of delicious pleasures, love of LOVE!

My ideal client is someone who feels they’ve lost that lust for life – their passion for joy, pleasure, love. I believe in savoring life – moment by precious moment. I’d like to assist others in doing the same. I will also be focusing on women who are in relationships (married, dating, etc…) who find they have lost their libido – and want it back. It’s so common and there are many reasons…most of all STRESS, over-scheduling, too much multi-tasking, not enough self-care or self love. Getting it back means getting out of our heads and into our bodies, mindfully, with a true appreciation for the delicious sensations it provides us. Deliberate Sensuality! My new website is almost done - I'll keep you posted.

Some of you reading this may not fully “get” all that, or approve, or agree with it – and it’s OK. You get to be you, I get to be me! That’s the beauty of life and acceptance!

And now, I think I’ve caught you all up on things. I can’t promise how often I’ll update this – whether it will be daily, weekly, or whatever…but, I can promise that when there’s a development with my breast cancer, I will let you know. Meanwhile, you never know what I might write about! Never has it been more crystal clear to me that we get one shot at this – there is no option but to make the most of it!

One last thing…There are so many other women, who have had to be so much braver, facing much tougher situations than I am facing...some who gave their all and still lost the fight. I bow to you, my sisters, and I am humbly grateful.

If you are reading this, you are supporting me in some way and I want you to know that I appreciate it - tremendously! Many of you have already offered to assist in different ways. Rest assured I will be reaching out to accept your offers when the time comes. Part of the lesson unfolding for me here is about receiving…it’s also about self care, something I haven’t always made a priority. Trust me – it’s front and center now.

Also front & center...my longest-time and “bestest” friend, Betty Ann, who despite her crazy schedule and juggled priorities, has been there for me every step of the way. There’s no way that I can express the depth of my gratitude in words, other than thank you and I love you!

Until next time…stay well & savor the moments!!

Love,
Lisa

P.S. If you got this far - I promise - they won't all be this long ;).