Emotional Rollercoaster

Hey everyone...


I admit it. I'm having a very bad attitude day! Woke up that way and it went downhill from there. So much to be angry, indignant, upset, and unhappy about!!


Now, you might be saying - "Well, you do have cancer and you are going through chemo..." or you may be saying, "What do you have to be so unhappy about?"


It doesn't matter either way. It doesn't matter what YOU think and it doesn't matter how I may or may not try to rationalize how I'm feeling. Fact is, I'm STILL having a bad attitude day - and I'm STILL the only one who can choose to change that. 


Being a Deliberate Creator means knowing on a very profound level that YOU are in charge. If it's in my life, I created it. I attracted it. My "Note from the Universe" the other day summed it up: 

"On the one hand, I realize it must seem quite disconcerting when you see "bad things" happening to "good people," and "good things" happening to "bad people." 

On the other, Lisa, couldn't this be seen as proof that "thoughts becoming things" is an inviolate law? No matter who thinks what? That all are innately endowed with supernatural powers? That I pass no judgment? And that there is nothing you cannot have, do, or be if you can first think it? Feeling better? Besides, nothin' happens to anyone, Lisa, that isn't a gift in disguise." The Universe

That said, my bad day is about ME. It's no one else's "fault" that I feel the way I do today (not even "cancer's") and no one else can "fix" it. It's about me, me, and oh yeah, me. 

So, after a few hours of swimming around in my toxic vibrational soup, I decided it was time to get out. 

The first thing I did wasn't what you might think a googly-eyed pollyanna might do (and no, I'm not a googly-eyed pollyanna, despite what some may think!). The very first thing I did was recognize that my bad attitude was bringing out a feisty side of me (energy!) that I could choose to channel any way that I wished (for good or evil! hehe), so I channeled it into knocking a few things off that nagging "to-do" list that kept me from sleeping in this morning. It worked. 

Then, feeling just a tiny bit better and ready to leverage it up - I dialed into my GVCA (Good Vibe Coaching Academy) group call to spend some time with my high vibe-ing fellow LOA coaches ;). A proven vibe lifter...my bad attitude didn't stand a chance!

The first bump up the vibrational scale came just from being on the line - hearing their voices, feeling the positive energy flowing. Then, Jeannette Maw, probably THE single coach I admire most in the world, blew my bad attitude right out of the water...when she said that SHE found me inspiring! That my "letting go", surrendering to what is, was something she admired and that had inspired her. 

WHOA!!! Stop the presses!! No bad attitude can live through THAT kind of high praise! All I had flowing now was love and appreciation and joy!! (Thank you Jeannette!!!!)

Then, a comment I made as part of the discussion helped a fellow coach shift her perspective. WOW!! Ching, ching, ching! I was racking up those vibrational points now! Thing is, it's a little like momentum. Once you get going, you're in the stream of well-being and it carries you with EASE!

And, not only did my attitude improve by the end of that call, I made a few (re)realizations too...

I AM making a difference. I DO positively impact the lives of others. My life DOES matter. AND, I am entitled to FEEL GOOD, DAMN IT!!! 

You see, bad attitude was gone, feisty stayed ;). Hehe ;).

One hot, steamy shower later and here I am writing to you. Feeling much better, but not immune to getting spit out of the Vortex again at any time. Thing is, I know how to straighten myself out and get back in...but, I have to WANT to and I have to remember that it's up to ME and no one else. 

It's OK to have a bad day once in a while. Look what it did for me today! Just remember, it's up to YOU to decide when you've had enough and you're ready  to turn it around...and if you need some assistance with that let me know (insert shameless promo here...hehe) at www.deliberatesensuality.com. 

Wishing you lots and lots of good days my friends, with only a little contrast thrown in to help you appreciate them ;). 

Namaste,

Lisa

P.S. You can find links to more info about Jeannette Maw, founder of Good Vibe University and co-founder of GVCA on my website. If you're curious about Law of Attraction (LOA), Deliberate Creation, or just plain want to know what the heck I'm talking about when I mention things like the Vortex, or vibrational alignment...let me know and I'll be happy to explain! If you want your own Note from the Universe delivered to your inbox daily, visit TUT.com. Thanks!

First Chemo Treatment - check!

Well, I can check off my first chemo treatment - done! Just seven more to go...whew.

I was nervous in the morning, but not too bad. Things went pretty smoothly, though they were very busy due to all the cancellations during the height of the flooding. Yesterday was the first day the infusion center had reopened. My appointment was at 10am.

I picked out a recliner and settled in. They had a chair right there for my "chemo buddy" Mary Ann too. It's not as luxurious as you may be picturing right now - it SURELY wasn't what I pictured, but comfortable nonetheless. Then, I met my chemo nurse - Jodi. She is fabulous!! Very kind and gentle. Explained everything as we went along. I'll spare most of the details because a) they probably aren't that interesting and b) I'm not sure how long I'll last sitting here at the computer - ha!

First you get "pre-meds". I get three different anti-nausea meds. Each one is infused separately. Once those are on board, they bring out the "big guns". My first chemo med is Adriamycin - toxic stuff. It comes in a bag and it looks like cranberry juice. The nurses have to wear all kinds of protective gear because it is so caustic. Adriamycin is the drug that will make my hair fall out, send me into menopause (thankfully just a year or two early!), give me nausea and fatigue, could cause heart problems, etc...Nice, eh? Nasty stuff for a nasty cancer.This gets pushed into my port-a-cath via syringe. The nurse literally stands there pushing it in slowly. You don't feel it really. There's an odd sensation as it goes through the catheter, but not uncomfortable - just kind of freaky.

Each time a new med was infused I got a head rush. NOT a feeling I've ever enjoyed! But, it goes away, leaving me just a little woozy. Next chemo drug is Cytoxan. That's an infusion, so they hang the bag. We're infusing mine more slowly because it causes a nasty sinus headache and if you already have sinus issues (as do I), it can be worse. This stuff causes a whole host of other side-effects too, but right now, the main one for me seems to be the headache.

After all that, I'm done! Home a little before 3pm. Felt ok going home, but as I got settled I began to feel progressively more nauseous and woozy and headachy...until...I felt like I'd been hit by a truck - YUK. You know that first day of the flu? Not the one where you think you MIGHT be coming down with something...more like the next day when you realize there's no fighting it - it's here.

Writing a blog post - out of the question. Sleep pretty much out of the question. Eating - forget about it! Did get a few hours in the recliner from midnight to 2-ish, then up to bed until 6am (Em's school wake up time). Once I got Em off to school, I relaxed in the recliner, had a piece of bread and jam and more water (lots and lots and lots of water!! I take mine with lemon oil and cranberry mixed in) took morning meds, and waited for BFF Karen to arrive to drive me to my Neulasta appt today. (I AM feeling very pampered with all these rides!)

Neulasta is the drug that builds my white cells back up. It stimulates a chemical in your bone marrow to produce more white cells. So...as it works initially, you can experience body aches - lower back, hips, sternum, neck, headache...for 3-5 days. They give it as an injection in your arm. Not bad. They warm it up first so really it didn't hurt at all. Quick process...I was in and out.

And, although I'm feeling slightly better for now, I'm fading fast. So, I'll wrap this up. One message that came through loud and clear from doctors, nurses, and those who've been there...when you feel tired - rest. DO NOT PUSH THROUGH IT!!!! Ditto for the days you feel sick. I've learned to listen (see my earlier blog post "EASE").

Those of you connected with me on Fb or via text or even email...my iPhone is always handy. I make no promises about any other kind of computer time for now. I'll update you when I can...love you all!!

xoxo
Lisa

And So It Begins...

Tomorrow is the big day...chemo treatment #1. Yesterday was a big day too...surgery to place a port in my chest. Not the kind of big days I would choose for myself if I could, but steps along the journey.

The port surgery was very successful. In fact the radiology nurse said my images were absolutely perfect! Everything is where it should be, and as it should be...although what they had to do to get it there caused me more than a fair share of pain. There are two incisions one up by my collarbone and another a little lower on my chest. The procedure was done under twilight sedation - and for some reason I didn't fall asleep - at all! The blessing is that I was so drugged up, I didn't care, HA! And, they numb your entire chest, so you don't feel anything more than tugging and pressure.

Afterwards however...whoa! Let's just say that when the block wears off you realize just how much work they did! By this morning, I felt like I had been in a fight (and no, I don't think I won!). When I looked in the mirror, I understood why...I LOOKED like I had been in a fight too! Not only was I bruised, but you could see the catheter tube under my skin where it enters the jugular vein and the triangle-shaped  port that it connects to on the other end. Kind of creepy - yet cool ;).

It helped to hear from the nurse, who called this afternoon, that it was all perfectly normal...the level of pain I was experiencing was to be expected for a couple of days. Ice helped tremendously, so I kept applying it and tonight it's bearable. Feeling all that stuff under my skin may take some adjustment though.

My mind is shifting to tomorrow now and my first chemo treatment. A mom-friend from school, who I've known and worked with on committees and boards for many years has graciously offered to be my chemo buddy. She'll drive me to and from and keep me company. BFF Betty Ann may actually get some work done and visit me at lunchtime (hehe). I may have other visitors too...and who knows, maybe I'll be the most popular girl at chemo!

I'm packing my fully charged iPhone, my brand new Kindle (pre-loaded with a great book by friend and awesome author Kim Falconer!), and a notebook in case I want to write. That should give me plenty to do - along with all that company I'll have ;). And, I'm dressing for this party! No sweats for me! Shower, make up, hair (while I still have it!), nice outfit, jewelry...There's a LOT of truth to the Look Good, Feel Better philosophy. Gotta dress the part - I am healthy, whole, and complete (Oh, and still pretty damn hot for 50! Hehe).

Tonight I got to chat with a new friend, who recently completed breast cancer treatments. She gave me lots of great hints and tips for getting through it. As it turns out, her drug combo and treatment schedule were exactly the same as mine and at the same hospital too! It was so wonderful to talk to her...and I'm grateful to my BFF Karen for introducing us.

So, here we go! Ready as I'll ever be...back to my sassy, feisty self, and also ready for bed! Ha. One of my favorite quotes, "Rest is a weapon" is advice that I'll likely need to remember over the next four months.

I'll let you know how I'm doing tomorrow night. It may be a long day - they told me to expect that the first time, so my next post may be short, but I'll at least let you all know how it goes.

For now, sweet dreams!
xoxo
Lisa

Reaching for Relief

It’s been a couple of weeks since you’ve heard from me. During that time I’ve had several blog posts in mind. But each time, as I got ready to write, my thoughts shifted or life shifted…and well…nothing ever made it to “paper”. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Or, in the spirit of being non-judgmental, it is neither good nor bad…it simply is what it is…which leads me to the thoughts I’d like to share with you today. 

Although many of my posts are focused on the positive – awareness of, and appreciation for, blessings; finding joy in the moment; attracting the reality we desire through the deliberate focus of our thoughts; releasing resistance to what is, and attachment to the outcomes we seek – this one feels like it needs to include something a little different.

In fact, I feel even more strongly about that statement now, than when I wrote that first paragraph almost a week ago. Since then, my hometown and the entire region where I live, has been devastated by flooding of historic magnitude as a result of Tropical Storm Lee. And, I’ve found myself wondering how to be positive in light of so much loss and suffering. Should I even try? 

Here’s the only conclusion I’ve come to so far…While I know, without a doubt, there will be blessings that unfold as a result of this situation, the pain and reality is just too raw right now to allow all but the most obvious to be visible.

So…in the spirit of finding relief in any thought that feels even slightly better than where I am at right now (Step One for Deliberate Creators)… I am thankful for those most obvious of blessings:

• My daughter and I, as well as my parents a few streets over, are high and dry, safe at home. We have enough food and water to sustain us through this. We have power and cable/Internet – luxuries compared to many right now. In this moment, all is well. 
• There hasn’t been a massive loss of life. Material things have been taken from many – in fact, countless thousands have lost virtually EVERYTHING they possess – but, they still have their lives, their loved ones, and a chance to rebuild, start over.
• It cannot rain forever. Eventually the sun will come out again. Of this, I am sure.
• Disasters bring out the best in communities. Already people are reaching out to each other, helping in any way that they are able. Lasting bonds are being formed.
• I got a few extra days with my daughter ;)…extended summer break with school being closed.
• The inability to get out and about has led to an extended period of “downtime” to really go within – to think about my priorities, the journey ahead, and any necessary course corrections I need to make in my life’s path. 

Interestingly enough…I could go on! And that’s exactly what happens when you actively LOOK for blessings and intentionally APPRECIATE them. More appear and then still more. It works in reverse too. Look for the pain, the hardships, the tragedies…trust me, you’ll find them…and more where they came from too.

For now I'll take a balanced approach and accept that the pain of all that is occurring and all that is about to occur, as well as the overwhelm I’m experiencing every now and again as a result, is simply a part of the process. Contrast in its truest, harshest form. But, I will also actively reach for whatever relief in the form of blessings I can find and appreciate that with all my might. Savoring every last drop of pleasure I can find in the present moment, and the next one, and the one after that…until there are more pleasures and blessings than there are heartaches and challenges. Until I find EASE again – however long that takes – and I encourage you to do the same.

Monday (Sep 12) will be surgery day for me once again. A vascular surgeon will place a port in my chest, connecting catheters into the large vein leading to my heart. It’s through that “port” that I’ll receive my chemo treatments – beginning Wednesday the 14th. I am thankful that the hospital is still standing, and that the flood of 2006 led them to build massive flood walls to protect the hospital from events such as this, and that those flood walls appear to have done their job.

Flowing blessings and appreciation to each and every one of you my dear friends and family!

Love,
Lisa