This Wednesday (10/26) I'll receive my fourth chemo infusion. The significance is that I will be half way through my chemo treatments - whoo hoo! They will also be changing my "cocktail" for the last four, so it's my last infusion with this mix - a transition of sorts.
It also marks the perfect time for me to take a break, go inward. I'm halfway through and it's time to listen to my Inner Self, regroup a bit, and get intentional about my focus for these last four treatments.
So...if you experience "radio silence" from me for longer than usual...no worries! It's me, healing from the inside out ;).
I would like to ask all of you a favor though...and this is VERY important to me...If you are praying for me, pray a prayer of thanksgiving for my health and vitality. If you are thinking of me, smile and see me as healthy, happy, and thriving. If you are doing some positive visualization on my behalf...well then, you're one of my kind ;)...hehe...and you know well enough to visualize me as nothing short of perfect, whole, and complete! If you love me, don't "worry" about me - instead think only good thoughts - because ALL REALLY IS WELL!
Remember - I am fine, no matter what, no conditions, no bargaining! I believe that - and I'd like to ask you to believe that right along with me, ok?
I'll be back soon with lots of cool, inspirational stuff to share about my journey, about Deliberate Sensuality and about creating the life of your dreams. Meanwhile, thanks in advance for all that positive energy headed my way! You guys are the best ;).
Love you!
Lisa
Monday, October 24, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Three Down, Five to go!
Well, another treatment under my belt...three down and five to go! On the positive side, only one more until I'm halfway there. And, I know better than to expand on anything OTHER than the positive side - so we'll just skip that part! Ha.
I'm finding that my treatments are taking more and more out of me each time. The nurses tell me that's normal. The patterns and side effects aren't predictable, other than the fact that Fridays of chemo week are generally my worst day. No matter what I've done each time to try to "fight smarter", I can't seem to get around the miserable side effects. So, I simply have to accept each day as it comes.
It's a lot about letting go of the resistance to not feeling the way I want to feel. It's a lot about letting go of conditions and expectations - of how I want to feel, think I should feel, what I want to do, think I should be able to do. It's also about letting go of what others may think - at least from my slanted perspective of it.
Funny thing is, I've gotten so good at all of those things, I was starting to feel like a Master! Ha. Truth is, we never really get "there". It's all just stepping stones and there's always more to learn and master. Otherwise life would be pretty short and boring, I guess.
And, as I've been reminding myself lately...this is MY journey. No one else's. I have to travel it as only I can. No one can do it for me, no one can pave the way, and there's only so far anyone can walk it with me. (More on that in my next blog post called "The Solitary Journey"...)
So, no sense beating myself up for not being "stronger"...when the going gets tough, this tough girl takes a nap, watches some mindless TV, reads a book, or eats something exceedingly non-nutritious (like say a Boston creme donut from Dunkin' Donuts as was my treat-to-me today!).
When you haven't heard from me in a while, that's probably what I'm doing, from the relative comfort of my recliner. My iPhone grants me beautiful access to Facebook and I tend to text quite a lot. I check email now and again, but I don't answer much that way because it's too much to try to type. I don't actually TALK on the phone much because frankly, I don't always have the energy or the composure for it. Crazy, huh?! (Those who know how much I love to talk will really struggle with that revelation!)
My days still have some structure - getting my daughter off to school in the morning takes a lot out of me - even though at almost 12 years old, there's not a lot I need to do for her - aside from motivating her out the door (she shares my aversion to early morning wake up calls) and getting her breakfast protein shake poured into a glass. Then, I generally crawl back into my bed as quickly as possible for another few hours sleep. My kitties happily join me...
Bet that sounds kind of lazy, huh? Oh wait, I'm giving up my need for the approval of others for Lent...Hmmmm...Lent? Is that right? Is it Lent, or Advent? Wait...what month is this again? Oh, right...chemo brain. Ha.
That's one of the other fun side-effects. This fuzzy cognitive thing that happens when your brain is on chemo drugs...You know that PSA..."This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs." Well, you get the idea! I can tell you first-hand, it's real. Though I really can't complain, since so far it hasn't had a huge effect on me.
Mostly I feel dizzy, weak, fatigued, and nauseous - nearly all the time. My situation is made worse by a serious digestive disorder I've had most of my life. Ordinarily, I manage it pretty well. But, the combination of chemo drugs and anti-nausea drugs exacerbate it to the point that basically I don't digest a thing for days. (Yeah...getting into the realm of TMI now so I'll stop there...) Anyway, you can probably imagine the unpleasantness.
As for the dizzy, weak, fatigued part...well, the first two treatments devoured my white blood cells. My levels were "dangerously low" at their low point, making me vulnerable to infection. But, they always rebounded nicely by chemo day - thanks no doubt, to the Neulasta shots I get the day after treatment, that are meant to do just that.
My red blood cells on the other hand have just been plummeting, without rebound. Today was lab day and they're looking bad enough that we may have to consider another medication to help. I guess that goes a long way toward explaining the dizziness and fatigue. It's also why I'm going to be feasting on steak and spinach in the near future (I'll apologize in advance to my vegetarian/vegan friends...I know there are meat-free alternatives to build my red blood cells, but the steak just tastes so damn good!).
So this time, no isolation. I'll still have to be careful, but not quite so hyper-vigilant. Instead, I'll have to pace myself based on what energy I have and just accept it. More rest, less catching up. Who knew sitting at a computer writing could be considered such exhausting work?!
And, I'll have to "get over" thinking I must be weak just because I'm not managing as well as all those people in the ads about how chemo is so much "kinder and gentler" now...Ha! Kinder and gentler my a@#$% But, don't get me started on that! I swear I'm going to write a whole new line of books about dealing with cancer and chemo...Honest books. Though probably not very serious books. There's too much we're asked to be serious about in life - and not nearly enough we're allowed to take lightly.
Ahhh yes, so much more to say! But alas, I think it's time for another nap ;).
As always, thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, positive intentions and that awesome energy you're sending me!! Trust me, I can feel it and your love and comments are the best feel good of all!!
Until next time...
xoxo
Lisa
I'm finding that my treatments are taking more and more out of me each time. The nurses tell me that's normal. The patterns and side effects aren't predictable, other than the fact that Fridays of chemo week are generally my worst day. No matter what I've done each time to try to "fight smarter", I can't seem to get around the miserable side effects. So, I simply have to accept each day as it comes.
It's a lot about letting go of the resistance to not feeling the way I want to feel. It's a lot about letting go of conditions and expectations - of how I want to feel, think I should feel, what I want to do, think I should be able to do. It's also about letting go of what others may think - at least from my slanted perspective of it.
Funny thing is, I've gotten so good at all of those things, I was starting to feel like a Master! Ha. Truth is, we never really get "there". It's all just stepping stones and there's always more to learn and master. Otherwise life would be pretty short and boring, I guess.
And, as I've been reminding myself lately...this is MY journey. No one else's. I have to travel it as only I can. No one can do it for me, no one can pave the way, and there's only so far anyone can walk it with me. (More on that in my next blog post called "The Solitary Journey"...)
So, no sense beating myself up for not being "stronger"...when the going gets tough, this tough girl takes a nap, watches some mindless TV, reads a book, or eats something exceedingly non-nutritious (like say a Boston creme donut from Dunkin' Donuts as was my treat-to-me today!).
When you haven't heard from me in a while, that's probably what I'm doing, from the relative comfort of my recliner. My iPhone grants me beautiful access to Facebook and I tend to text quite a lot. I check email now and again, but I don't answer much that way because it's too much to try to type. I don't actually TALK on the phone much because frankly, I don't always have the energy or the composure for it. Crazy, huh?! (Those who know how much I love to talk will really struggle with that revelation!)
My days still have some structure - getting my daughter off to school in the morning takes a lot out of me - even though at almost 12 years old, there's not a lot I need to do for her - aside from motivating her out the door (she shares my aversion to early morning wake up calls) and getting her breakfast protein shake poured into a glass. Then, I generally crawl back into my bed as quickly as possible for another few hours sleep. My kitties happily join me...
Bet that sounds kind of lazy, huh? Oh wait, I'm giving up my need for the approval of others for Lent...Hmmmm...Lent? Is that right? Is it Lent, or Advent? Wait...what month is this again? Oh, right...chemo brain. Ha.
That's one of the other fun side-effects. This fuzzy cognitive thing that happens when your brain is on chemo drugs...You know that PSA..."This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs." Well, you get the idea! I can tell you first-hand, it's real. Though I really can't complain, since so far it hasn't had a huge effect on me.
Mostly I feel dizzy, weak, fatigued, and nauseous - nearly all the time. My situation is made worse by a serious digestive disorder I've had most of my life. Ordinarily, I manage it pretty well. But, the combination of chemo drugs and anti-nausea drugs exacerbate it to the point that basically I don't digest a thing for days. (Yeah...getting into the realm of TMI now so I'll stop there...) Anyway, you can probably imagine the unpleasantness.
As for the dizzy, weak, fatigued part...well, the first two treatments devoured my white blood cells. My levels were "dangerously low" at their low point, making me vulnerable to infection. But, they always rebounded nicely by chemo day - thanks no doubt, to the Neulasta shots I get the day after treatment, that are meant to do just that.
My red blood cells on the other hand have just been plummeting, without rebound. Today was lab day and they're looking bad enough that we may have to consider another medication to help. I guess that goes a long way toward explaining the dizziness and fatigue. It's also why I'm going to be feasting on steak and spinach in the near future (I'll apologize in advance to my vegetarian/vegan friends...I know there are meat-free alternatives to build my red blood cells, but the steak just tastes so damn good!).
So this time, no isolation. I'll still have to be careful, but not quite so hyper-vigilant. Instead, I'll have to pace myself based on what energy I have and just accept it. More rest, less catching up. Who knew sitting at a computer writing could be considered such exhausting work?!
And, I'll have to "get over" thinking I must be weak just because I'm not managing as well as all those people in the ads about how chemo is so much "kinder and gentler" now...Ha! Kinder and gentler my a@#$% But, don't get me started on that! I swear I'm going to write a whole new line of books about dealing with cancer and chemo...Honest books. Though probably not very serious books. There's too much we're asked to be serious about in life - and not nearly enough we're allowed to take lightly.
Ahhh yes, so much more to say! But alas, I think it's time for another nap ;).
As always, thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, positive intentions and that awesome energy you're sending me!! Trust me, I can feel it and your love and comments are the best feel good of all!!
Until next time...
xoxo
Lisa
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Quick Update
Since I didn't mention how I've been feeling in my most recent post, I thought I'd offer a quick update...
This has been my "off" week, meaning no chemo, just lab tests. It took me a little longer to recover from my chemo treatment (9/28) this time...Monday was the first day I could really do much of anything besides hang out in my recliner. I had an OT session for my shoulder Monday afternoon, which went pretty well, but wiped me out. Tuesday was more rest. Wednesday was crazy busy with a lab appointment in the morning, doctor's appointment right after that, and curriculum night at my daughter's school that evening. Considering my abysmally low white blood count, it was quite a risk going to the school, but a mom does what she must! More accurately, my intention was, "I'm going to do what feels right for me and let God take care of the rest."
To say that I was exhausted by nearly 10pm when I finally got home would be an understatement! Whew. Fortunately, other than requiring some extra sleep, I was fine the next day. Thursday through early next week I'll have to stay pretty isolated to protect against infection, but I feel pretty good.
In fact, today I felt awesome! Got a little time outside in my yard ("played" with my pretty healing crystals!), did some stuff around the house, spent some time writing, and for dinner a heavenly NY Strip and a giant sweet potato ;).
Now it's after 1am though, so I'd better get off to bed! I just want to add...if you've called me, or written me a note and I haven't answered yet, know that I've read it or listened to your message, very much appreciated your thinking of me, and I WILL get back to you soon! I'm just a little slower this time around. When I'm feeling lousy I can't get to my computer to write and talking on the phone is often tough for me. I've been a little slower than I'd normally like with thank you notes too!
The next few days will be catching up days on just about every front. I won't get it all done (there's no such thing!), but I'll make good progress and I'll be satisfied because I've done what I can. Then, Wednesday (10/13) is Chemo Treatment #3.
No expectations this time. Just surrender, acceptance, and appreciation for the fact that I am loved, and supported in every way possible.
By the way...I've decided to try doing daily personal updates on Twitter. I've already got a Lisa's Leap Twitter account anyway that I haven't used much lately, so...if you're on Twitter, you can look for me and follow me there as well @Lisas_Leap.
I'll leave you on a happy, silly note...here's a iPhone cam self-portrait from last Wednesday when I was running between appointments. Looking at it now, I hesitate to attach it! It certainly isn't the most flattering photo...but, it was me that day. The sun was out, sunroof open, and I was wearing my cool (borrowed from my sis) hat! Oh what a feeling! (Though I remember the feeling being better than it looks here! Ha!)
Thanks everyone!!
xoxo
Lisa
This has been my "off" week, meaning no chemo, just lab tests. It took me a little longer to recover from my chemo treatment (9/28) this time...Monday was the first day I could really do much of anything besides hang out in my recliner. I had an OT session for my shoulder Monday afternoon, which went pretty well, but wiped me out. Tuesday was more rest. Wednesday was crazy busy with a lab appointment in the morning, doctor's appointment right after that, and curriculum night at my daughter's school that evening. Considering my abysmally low white blood count, it was quite a risk going to the school, but a mom does what she must! More accurately, my intention was, "I'm going to do what feels right for me and let God take care of the rest."
To say that I was exhausted by nearly 10pm when I finally got home would be an understatement! Whew. Fortunately, other than requiring some extra sleep, I was fine the next day. Thursday through early next week I'll have to stay pretty isolated to protect against infection, but I feel pretty good.
In fact, today I felt awesome! Got a little time outside in my yard ("played" with my pretty healing crystals!), did some stuff around the house, spent some time writing, and for dinner a heavenly NY Strip and a giant sweet potato ;).
Now it's after 1am though, so I'd better get off to bed! I just want to add...if you've called me, or written me a note and I haven't answered yet, know that I've read it or listened to your message, very much appreciated your thinking of me, and I WILL get back to you soon! I'm just a little slower this time around. When I'm feeling lousy I can't get to my computer to write and talking on the phone is often tough for me. I've been a little slower than I'd normally like with thank you notes too!
The next few days will be catching up days on just about every front. I won't get it all done (there's no such thing!), but I'll make good progress and I'll be satisfied because I've done what I can. Then, Wednesday (10/13) is Chemo Treatment #3.
No expectations this time. Just surrender, acceptance, and appreciation for the fact that I am loved, and supported in every way possible.
By the way...I've decided to try doing daily personal updates on Twitter. I've already got a Lisa's Leap Twitter account anyway that I haven't used much lately, so...if you're on Twitter, you can look for me and follow me there as well @Lisas_Leap.
I'll leave you on a happy, silly note...here's a iPhone cam self-portrait from last Wednesday when I was running between appointments. Looking at it now, I hesitate to attach it! It certainly isn't the most flattering photo...but, it was me that day. The sun was out, sunroof open, and I was wearing my cool (borrowed from my sis) hat! Oh what a feeling! (Though I remember the feeling being better than it looks here! Ha!)
Thanks everyone!!
xoxo
Lisa
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Appreciating Gifts & Recognizing Angels
We are so very fortunate and blessed to be living right now, right here, in these bodies, on this planet. All we need to do is open our hearts to love, our arms to receive, our eyes to see - and the blessings come forth!
Now I know that when times are tough it's easy to question that statement and with 50 years under my belt, I can tell you I've had my share. But, I can also tell you that despite tough times, I haven't doubted that I am blessed nor have I neglected to be thankful for my blessings, in quite some time.
Still, reminders are sometimes helpful and fortunately, they are plentiful - no matter how bad things get. In fact, if you stop to think about it, you'll realize we are on the receiving end of so many gifts, moment-to-moment, that there's no way to possibly account for them all! These aren't things we earn - they are gifts of the Divine, plain and simple.
For instance, the air we breathe. How often do you take a breath? Perhaps every 15 or 20 seconds? Do you ever stop and wonder, "Oh my! I hope I'll have air for my next breath!"? Of course not. It's there - it's always there and it's always a gift.
Most of us have probably never gone hungry - at least not for long, or without recourse. We have plenty to eat and a wide variety to choose from at that. Although we generally offer money for our food, it is still a gift of the Divine, without Whom there would be no food, no earth, no sun. We have many people to thank as well - those who plant, nourish, and harvest our food. Those who bring it to market...and it goes on and on from there. Everyone of those people offers life force energy as they play their role in bringing us the gift of food.
Oxygen and food are just a couple of the "simple" blessings we tend to take for granted. Bringing it forward, there are the people all around us, who love us, support us, care for us. I always say that my daughter is the greatest blessing that I have ever, or could ever receive - and I give thanks for her every single day and night and moment in between, in every way I know how.
Of course, there are also many others in my life whom I love and give thanks for on a regular basis...Along with those whom I cannot even name. Angels who walk the earth. People who reach out, quietly, anonymously, with love.
Angels like that walk among us every day. You can't see them or feel their presence unless you open your heart and allow in all the good they wish to give. You must be open to receiving. The other day, I received a gift of love from angels. These particular angels left a note, along with their very helpful and appreciated gift. The note said simply,
"From an angel network of friends & family who care about you and want to help in a small way."
While I cannot thank them personally - because I don't know who they are - I can say here that my love and gratitude swelled in that moment and the moments since...for their gift not only made a difference in the practical sense, but it touched my heart and my soul. It reminded me that I am surrounded by love, that I am living in a benevolent Universe, and provided for in every way by a God who creates through each of us and with each of us. All I need do is love, believe, and stay open.
I thank you angels - whoever and wherever you may be - and I offer you this gift of gratitude...
I will magnify the love you gave to me and share it with everyone I encounter. In everyone's eyes I will see the Divine. I will never lose faith in the belief that all is well and that God does provide. I will live in a state of appreciation every day.
With love and gratitude,
Lisa
Saturday, October 1, 2011
The Second Round
Well...two down, six to go. I'd like to say that lessons learned from chemo #1 really paid off for an easier ride chemo #2, but that's just not how it works. At least that's not how it worked for me.
Wednesday's infusion was fine (believe it or not, that's the easy part!), but just like the first round, it didn't take long for the effects to be felt. Within an hour I didn't want to leave my recliner. So, I listened to my body, napped, relaxed and did whatever it asked of me.
My sister, Gina, is here this time and what a wonderful blessing that is! Having her here to visit with me made a big difference in how I felt those first two days (Wed/Thu)...Unfortunately, I don't think anything or anybody could have made Friday any easier.
Apparently, Friday will be my day of chemo hell. Like with anything else, there's always that rock bottom place. The beauty of rock bottom is that you know it's gotta look up from there! So, I kept reminding myself of that. Problem I'm finding with chemo though...it's all so unpredictable. And THAT is looking like the lesson I need to learn this time.
This cycle hasn't duplicated the last one. Adjustments I made to try to improve how I'd feel this time were lost in the changes and I was left with this...you can't control it. Accept, release, let go - stop trying to predict. I guess it's like the final vestige of that letting go thing that's been so challenging for me. I found myself still trying to sort it out, control the process, when what I need to do is just take things moment by moment.
So...Friday, chemo had it's way with me. But, Friday night, I rallied what strength I could and did something for me. I shaved my head. I had decided to do it a long time ago and I knew that chemo would take my hair soon, so I gained the upper hand and did it myself!
I was certainly not looking my best - barely managed to get dressed for the occasion. Afterwards, I was exhausted. But while doing it...I felt inspired, confident, strong, courageous, and ready to fight! I like the new look...channeling a little of Sinead O'Connor's spirit ;)...and so far, I'm not big on the wigs. But, we'll see.
Today is another day. Slow improvement, but improvement nonetheless. Tomorrow better still? Oh, right. There I go with expectations again!
In this moment, all is well. And that my friends, is all that ever really matters.
Love you!!
xo
Lisa
Wednesday's infusion was fine (believe it or not, that's the easy part!), but just like the first round, it didn't take long for the effects to be felt. Within an hour I didn't want to leave my recliner. So, I listened to my body, napped, relaxed and did whatever it asked of me.
My sister, Gina, is here this time and what a wonderful blessing that is! Having her here to visit with me made a big difference in how I felt those first two days (Wed/Thu)...Unfortunately, I don't think anything or anybody could have made Friday any easier.
Apparently, Friday will be my day of chemo hell. Like with anything else, there's always that rock bottom place. The beauty of rock bottom is that you know it's gotta look up from there! So, I kept reminding myself of that. Problem I'm finding with chemo though...it's all so unpredictable. And THAT is looking like the lesson I need to learn this time.
This cycle hasn't duplicated the last one. Adjustments I made to try to improve how I'd feel this time were lost in the changes and I was left with this...you can't control it. Accept, release, let go - stop trying to predict. I guess it's like the final vestige of that letting go thing that's been so challenging for me. I found myself still trying to sort it out, control the process, when what I need to do is just take things moment by moment.
So...Friday, chemo had it's way with me. But, Friday night, I rallied what strength I could and did something for me. I shaved my head. I had decided to do it a long time ago and I knew that chemo would take my hair soon, so I gained the upper hand and did it myself!
I was certainly not looking my best - barely managed to get dressed for the occasion. Afterwards, I was exhausted. But while doing it...I felt inspired, confident, strong, courageous, and ready to fight! I like the new look...channeling a little of Sinead O'Connor's spirit ;)...and so far, I'm not big on the wigs. But, we'll see.
Today is another day. Slow improvement, but improvement nonetheless. Tomorrow better still? Oh, right. There I go with expectations again!
In this moment, all is well. And that my friends, is all that ever really matters.
Love you!!
xo
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