Hot, Fiery, Feisty and Ready to GO!!

SURPRISE!!

Truly, I'm thinking I should have done this YEARS ago!! I absolutely LOVE my new look ;). And, although it doesn't really matter what you think (hehe), I hope you like it too ;). It's red - though you can't really tell in this photo. My hair is naturally light brown with some reddish highlights, though it's gotten darker through the years.

I've had long hair (or growing into long hair) for well over a decade. Time for a change. And, another way that cancer pushed me off the ledge. It's only hair!! I'm donating an 8"-10" ponytail to Pantene for the real hair wigs they donate to breast cancer patients like me ;).

Somewhat sadly - I'll only have this hair for a little over a month, but I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it until then!! And, I'm going to have rockin' good fun in between too!

So...tell me what you think - but don't expect a quick reply...I'm going to be out investigating whether redheads do indeed have more fun (I KNOW I will!!! hehe!).

BTW...my daughter got her hair cut short too...though not this short. It looks awesome on her, but SHE hasn't fully gotten acclimated yet (ahem!) and is most likely currently wondering just what momma talked her into!

So Emilee (because I know you're reading this!), I'm telling you straight up - you look FABULOUS!!!! and I LOVE YOU for being such as sport and supporting your mom this way!!! Only you - the very best daughter in the entire world - would do this for me :). (see Em, I did a smiley - not a winky face - just for you!). I love you baby girl!!!!

xoxo
Lisa

Controlling What You Can...

Ok - so my last post was about EASE and I've talked about letting go, but today it's about taking back my power - or better yet, not giving it up if I don't have to...because to me, it's just as important to control what you can, as it is to release your resistance to what is.

Yesterday was my appointment with the medical oncologist. That's the specialist responsible for my chemotherapy. The appointment was early - 8am - and despite my "not a morning person" ways, I was up and excited to go. Odd perhaps, but I was just feeling very ready to know the details - to get on with it.

So, I played my "vibe lifting" playlist while I got ready and found myself quite relaxed and happy.

The appointment went very smoothly. Almost no wait time (a nice change!) and my doc is the best ;). Bff/PHP Betty Ann came along, as did Emilee. For those of you who don't know her - my daughter is quite the mature 11 1/2 year old and we have always had a very close bond, so keeping her completely in the loop is very natural for us - we wouldn't have it any other way.

As expected, because my breast cancer is such an aggressive variety (triple negative), it needs to be treated aggressively. I'll be on what they call "dose dense" therapy - high doses, delivered on a shorter interval cycle, every other week. I'll need four cycles of one drug cocktail (a mixture of two drugs) and four cycles of another mix. Altogether 16 weeks - or 4 months of therapy.

During that time, I'll go on a Wednesday for the chemo infusion (it takes several hours), then on Thursday for an infusion of a drug that builds my white blood cells back up (after the chemo kills them off - nice, eh?!). A week off, during which I'll have blood tests to see how I'm tolerating the treatments. Then back again for the next treatment.

The doctor told me the side effects that I would most definitely have - and those that I "may" have - and those that happen in more rare circumstances. Trust me, the list is not happy reading!

I decided then and there to accept the ones that I must and make the best of them. For instance, he was able to tell me, to the day, when I'd lose my hair - ALL of it. There will be fatigue and nausea - and because of a pre-existing GI issue, they may not be able to control the nausea as well as they ordinarily do...and I'll also experience the sudden onset of menopause (and all the joys that go with that!). With the second round of four cycles, I'll get all of that PLUS a high probability of muscle/joint pain, and neuropathies (numbness & pain in my feet).

Well, I may not be able to control the fatigue, nausea, and menopause - but, I decided I CAN exercise SOME control over the hair loss! The day before I am supposed to lose it, I'm shaving it all off. I will make an occasion of it, in fact. And, when the time comes, I'll let you all know in advance so that you can celebrate with me from wherever you are, with a cocktail and a toast - or however you'd like ;). I haven't fully decided the details, but who knows, maybe I'll even video it for you!

The "maybe" side effects are another area where I have some control - to those I say "Not me!". I INTEND to be the exception.

And my "ultimate" power play yesterday - exercising my control by choosing to catch my breath before beginning the next leg of my journey.

Initially, the timetable was - surgical procedure to put in the "port" next week and first treatment the week after. My response - there is no way in hell anyone is putting a "port" into my body during my birthday week!! And, Em's first day of 7th grade is September 7th. A big deal - for her, for me...cancer is NOT going to mess that up!!

So, I pushed it off. In the grand scheme of things a couple of weeks makes absolutely no difference. They'll put in the port the week of September 14th and I'll either start chemo that same week or the week after - I'm just waiting to hear the schedule they put together for me. It was rather funny though, seeing the look on the office assistant's face when I told her I wanted to schedule the appointment further out ;). I'm guessing they don't often hear that!

But, for me it works. I'll celebrate my 50th birthday in every possible way, savoring every moment, all week. I already have some plans in place and there are others "in the works". Most importantly though, it gives me time to "let my soul catch up", as a very wise friend put it. I'll have time with my daughter who absolutely deserves my attention right now (we are planning a secret escape! Shhhh!) and we'll get her settled into a new and very exciting school year. THEN I'll take the next step - with a good attitude and a higher vibe in place...strong, resilient, and ready to rock chemo out of the ballpark!

I got a card from one of my Bff's yesterday...on the cover was "The Cancer Vixen" - a cartoon character - kicking cancer's butt ;). She picked the perfect card because that's exactly how I feel and that's exactly what I'm getting ready to do!

So, there's your update. Right now, I'm controlling what I can and making peace with the rest.

Can you relate? Is there something happening in your life where you can do that? I'd love to hear your stories too! And, as always, if you need a little manifesting support or help with an attitude adjustment...check out my coaching services at www.deliberatesensuality.com! (Ok, ok, shameless plug, but hey - I am absolutely IN LOVE with what I do - and I want all the FEEL GOOD that I can get! Hehehe)

Until next time...

Much love,
Lisa

EASE

On New Year's Day, 2011 I chose a word - just one word - to describe the overall feeling I intended to experience over the course of this year. A theme, if you will. That word is EASE.

I chose it for a lot of reasons - not the least of which is the obvious - hey, who wouldn't enjoy a little more EASE in their life, right?!

It also fits with my philosophy. Manifesting what you desire in life is about allowing and attracting, not chasing your desire uphill and wrestling it to the ground. Allowing happens with EASE.

Trust brings EASE. Ease requires trust. Trust that God and the Universe will bring you exactly what you need, at precisely the right time - Divine timing - because we can’t always see the “big” picture. Trust in a benevolent Universe…the belief that God wants us to be happy and that if we ask, we shall receive. Not beg, not bargain, not work for it. Simply ask, trust, and allow.

EASE makes sense when you understand that pushing doesn’t bring it faster. No amount of effort will summon forth that which you desire, if you are not yet aligned with it…

EASE does not negate desire. It invites desire. When contrast arrives in its wake, reminding us of what we do not want, ease tells us to experience it and let it go.

Ease is about feeling good no matter what and knowing that’s the feeling that will bring you closer to what you desire.

In fact, the ease and feeling good actually IS the desire, if you really stop and think about it. It’s not the successful business, or the house, or the guy, or the vacation…it’s the feeling of EASE and joy and peace that you believe all those things will bring you!

And so, it made perfect sense that EASE should be my word of the year for 2011. Anyone who knows me knows I was overdue for some ease (not to mention joy and peace!). Making EASE my word of the year also served as a challenge – or at least a reminder - to live my beliefs.

But then, how funny is it that I was diagnosed with breast cancer – a dis-EASE - at almost exactly the half way point in the year?? I guess if it was a challenge I wanted, it was a challenge I got! And you know what? It’s teaching me all kinds of new lessons about EASE that I’m not sure I would have learned any other way.

Cancer is a wake-up call. Not the kind that whispers in your ear, or taps you on the shoulder, but a knock you off your horse kind of lightning bolt. Best thing is though, if you really listen right then, you can hear your Inner Self better than ever. Trusting what you hear can give you the inspiration and the courage to step into the life you truly desire.

There were messages from my body and from my Inner Self that I had ignored for years. There were a lot of things I “struggled with” and plenty more that I felt “on the cusp” of having or doing. But there I stood…on the ledge…scared and making excuses…unable to jump, afraid to fall, waiting for permission, looking for approval, sure I wasn’t quite ready, because I didn’t yet know how to fly.

Cancer was my push off the ledge.

But to my surprise, I didn’t fall! I may not be flying with perfect form or grace, but I haven’t hit the ground either. And there’s a weightlessness about it…

I think that’s EASE!

I don’t think I fully understood the feeling of it before. Losing control. Letting go. Allowing. EASE!

And now I’m listening. Following my intuition AND my feel good…like my life depends on it...because you know what? It DOES. And so does yours!

There is no putting off – there is only NOW. Ready is about jumping, not the preparation! Permission is about wanting and feeling worthy and allowing yourself to have what you desire. Approval comes from within – no one else can give it to you. Love is eternal and if it’s real, it’s unconditional. Love is what keeps you aloft – it’s what your wings are made of and it lives inside of you. And the breeze – all those currents made for gliding – that’s God’s invitation.

And I'm inviting you too! Fluff up your wings and join me! It may take some getting used to, but once you try it you’ll never stay poised on the edge again. You won’t be alone - I’ll be happy to hold your hand, help you chart your course, and encourage you all along the way.

You can also check out my coaching practice, Deliberate Sensuality, if you like. My website is up at www.deliberatesensuality.com. Check it out – and if you like it, spread the word! It took cancer to knock me off my horse, but you can choose differently ;).

Love you!
Lisa

Lovely Luna

For those of you who read my "Meow" post a few weeks ago...I thought you'd like an update on Luna - the starving kitten who showed up at my front door, late at night on the full moon.

This is a photo of Luna just a few days after I invited her in. She's a cutie - long fur, petulant little (big?!) meow and a tendency to nip at your leg when you ignore her pleas for more food!

It actually took me a while to warm up to her. Not at all typical for me with cats. I don't know if it was timing (I really didn't need the complication right then!), or her, but I really wasn't at all sure I wanted to keep her.

We called around on signs, or lost postings at shelters, etc...but would you believe no one even called us back?? Not even to say - "Thanks anyway, found our cat". Hmmm. Meanwhile, she grew on me.

And she grew in general!!!

When she arrived she was fur and bones. Never saw a kitty closer to starvation. Very sad. She's less than a year old. But, fueled by "stray cat syndrome" (as my sister calls it), she has eaten nonstop and packed on a few pounds already! I think she's even growing into that tail of hers! ;)

Looking healthier than ever and completely at home here - you can see a more recent shot of Luna at the bottom of this post.

I must say, she bonded with my sister first - and I think Luna still misses her a little, but we're good now. And yes, she's found a comfy new home with us. Luna is now pampered kittypet number two for our all-girl household ;).

She IS awfully soft, her kitten ways hard to resist, and her purrr IS incredible. She's very, very frisky now that she's stronger - and that means Bella is getting a workout more often too. Can't help but be healthy for her, right?! Even if it does keeps ME up at night! They chase, and tussle, and hiss, and meow, and box, and grapple...oh my!! Sometimes even the fur flies, but deep down I think Bella understands and cares about Luna.

So, whether it was meant to be, or whether Luna has/had a message for me, I still can't say - but she's part of the family now - for better or worse.

Clear margins! Whoo hoo!!

Just returned from my post-op visit where I got the very best news...Surgical margins are clean (no cancer there), the tumor measured out at 1.5cm, and the final pathology showed no cancer cells in the sentinel lymph nodes they removed. So my surgeon got it all out! Whoo hoo! Yippee!

I'm officially Stage 1 now, based on the final pathology report. The Triple Negative (TNBC) status complicates it a bit, but everything else is looking good and in my favor.

On top of all that good news, my incisions look good (healing) and I'm not experiencing the kind of numbness and tingling that can mean nerves were damaged in the harvesting of the lymph nodes. I already have almost normal range of motion in that shoulder - particularly good news since I'm still rehabing the right shoulder! A little at home exercise/therapy and it'll be good as new ;).

The surgeon did a beautiful job with my breast! Once it heals, the scar will be barely noticeable (if at all). Radiation may leave some scarring, but I'm holding the perspective that there will be little or no cosmetic damage at all.

I'm still swollen, bruised and sore - to be expected and totally manageable. Only needed 4 Vicodin throughout this whole ordeal.

Next appointment is with my medical oncologist, Wed August 17th. That's when we'll begin making plans for chemo. The week after that, back to the surgeon for a final check.

Meanwhile, I will bask in a whole week of "normal" - no treatments, no appointments ;). Sounds like the perfect time for some "feel good" activities!! I have so much to celebrate and be grateful for!

Cheers,
Lisa

Appreciation, Balance, & Boundaries

The only way I can imagine beginning this post is with a huge heartfelt "Thank you!!" Thank you for your support, your prayers, the healing energy so many of you sent, and for your love. I have absolutely felt the strength of it - last Wednesday, each day before, and every day since.

The Angels stayed close to me. Surgery was successful and my lymph nodes are clear. Tomorrow I'll find out whether the surgical margins (the tissue around the tumor) are clean (free of cancer cells) - and a whole lot of other details, when I go to my post-operative appointment. I will be sure to post another note tomorrow night to let you all know how it goes.

Meanwhile, I have been relaxing (way more than usual!), recuperating, and spending lots of time in a state of appreciation for my many blessings.

One such blessing was having my sister here with me (who I jokingly refer to as my older sister - although she is two years younger than me - ha!). She was there at the hospital when I woke up from surgery and she stayed with me until Sunday morning - taking care of anything and everything I needed. I'm betting we never could have imagined THAT scenario as teenagers! Now, living four hours apart, we never seem to get enough time together. So when we do, I savor every moment of it! This time I got to be the center of attention - an added bonus to be sure! Hehehe ;). Love you Gina!!

I was also blessed with the company of a few close friends and family over the weekend...not to mention gifts of food, flowers, and a breathtakingly beautiful rose quartz healing crystal. I have been and remain stunned - in grateful utter amazement - at all of the support that surrounds me!

Which brings me to the title of my post - Appreciation, Balance, & Boundaries.

I've talked about my appreciation frequently in these posts. There is no way to overstate it. And, it does feel very, very good here on the receiving end...which makes me want to give that much more in the hopes I can generate this kind of "feel good" vibe for someone else. Giving and receiving pure love - that's the net-net of it all, isn't it?

Balance has been more of an ongoing lesson. A dance I have yet to master - and probably never will - because as soon as I think I have it down, the music will change and the steps will need to change with it. Cancer isn't just a new melody, but a whole new musical genre!

Since my diagnosis, I have found that I need to pay particular attention to balance in several key areas. The time that I spend with others versus time spent alone is a big one. I've always been a very social person - time with others feeds my energy levels. I've also enjoyed the time that I spend alone. My work is very solitary and rarely has that bothered me. Now, I've found that I need to redefine things a bit.

Too much time spent alone - unless I am completely engaged in something, or sleeping - can be more detrimental than enjoyable. By the same token, too much time with too many people, and too much social stimulation feels overwhelming right now. Having my sister and my daughter right here with me the last few days - that felt perfect.

There is balance in doing nothing versus creative pursuits or working. Balance in giving and receiving. Balance in discipline and relaxing our standards. Balance in rest and exercise.

The point is, I'm feeling my way through it. Just like we all have to do. And, it's well worth it because when I am in a state of balance, centered, in alignment with Who I Really Am, I am able to flow downstream with life - easily and effortlessly. If you haven't felt this way lately (or ever), I highly encourage you to devote some time to your personal dance as well. Like I said, it's worth it.

Which brings me to Boundaries...and the realization that it's tough to find balance without setting boundaries - with myself and with others. I'm learning to set boundaries for myself at the edge of doing "just enough" - a lesson sometimes learned at the expense of doing a little too much. I had just "discovered" and happily set new boundaries between my work life and personal life at the beginning of June when we moved to our new home and I set up my awesome new office. Now those boundaries are being tested once more and adjusted to fit my new circumstances.

More challenging still, I'm learning to speak up - lovingly - and set personal boundaries around the time I spend with others. Does it feel good and inspire me? Delight me and make me laugh? Or, is it too much? Does it leave me drained or feeling down? Am I spending my time doing what I believe is expected of me, out of a feeling of obligation - or what feels good to me, from a place of joy? Time is precious and finite. We get to choose how we spend each moment of it, but we can never rewind it.

Cancer is a life changing experience - no doubt about it - for better or worse. I intend that for me, it will be for the better. I also intend that for those of you who wish it, MY cancer can be YOUR life changing experience - so that you don't have to travel this same journey yourself.

Love yourself - first and foremost. Listen for the melody and find the dance steps that lead you to alignment. Stay there ;)...for as long as possible, as often as possible. Set some healthy boundaries - you'll know they're healthy if they feel good. And remember - life was meant to FEEL GOOD - just like love. Which brings us full circle again - doesn't it?

Love,
Me

Countdown to Surgery

Less than 10 hours to surgery and it's time to take another leap of faith. Actually, this feels like the first BIG leap of faith on this journey!

The biopsy, the surgical consults, all the other testing - those were mere hops, preparing me for this.

While the process of preparing for surgery has been the same as any other surgery I've had, this one is very different in some notable ways...

It requires me to let go of my attachment to the outcome and trust that all will be divinely guided for my best and highest good.

When I wake up in the recovery room I will have either had a "few" lymph nodes removed for "sampling" (minor), or as many as 20 of them (major). If it was just a few, my cancer hasn't spread. More than a "sampling" and it has...But, I can't know, won't know - until it's done deal.

Choosing a lumpectomy carries the risk of additional surgeries. If my margins aren't clear, if the tumor is larger than anticipated - I could wind up going through this all over again in a couple of weeks! I won't know until next Tuesday whether they got it all. Not something I can control. I can only wait and trust.

There is another element to all that waiting and trusting though. Intention. And I INTEND that I am fine no matter what, no conditions, no bargaining. That pretty much covers it, doesn't it? It's all about being ok - right now, in the moment, no matter what. And, I am. So why worry?

Besides - if going over the edge into the abyss of the unknown is the only way to get from here to there - I say better to jump than get pushed! (Hmmm...that MAY just be my inner control freak speaking up again! Hehe!)

OK so, I have some other intentions too...I intend to rest and heal for a few days (something I haven't always given myself the benefit of). I intend to surround myself with positive influences and lots of love. I intend to make my needs known, accept help graciously, and set reasonable boundaries. I intend to treat myself with the kind of love and respect that I would have for my daughter, my sister, my parent, or my best friend.

And, I will thank God for ALL of it. Every moment, every breath. All the experiences along the way - the contrast, the blessings, the strength and wisdom and grace. I will welcome it and experience it all with gusto - no resistance - the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. Then I'll simply move on to the next experience.

Whew!

I will keep you posted. I will let you know when I know. I lovingly and gratefully accept your prayers, your positive healing thoughts, white light, angels, love - whatever good stuff you choose to send my way ;). Thank you - from the bottom of my heart.

And - a very special thank you to my beloved Spiritual Mastermind Group. I feel your powerful healing energy with me always and I know I will be receiving it in concentrated doses during my surgery ;). I am so blessed to be a part of such an amazing group of individuals. xo

Goodnight everyone!

With love,
Lisa