Hello from Boston! Today was another very long day...I've been poked, prodded, and tested from morning till night. Had my pre-op consults with two of the three surgeons and all my labs & scans. Fasting from all but water today for PET/CT was a little rough, but rougher still was fasting from my beloved Ibuprofen! Pain ramped up all day, until it became unbearable tonight. I'm a couple of hours into a big fat Percocet now though, so it's manageable.
Tomorrow morning I'll get the results of the PET scan - and assuming all goes as expected - get the final thumbs up for surgery Thursday at 2:30 pm. Then we're off to lunch with my cousin Cheryl (assuming this pain stays in the manageable range) and back for an early, light dinner and good night's sleep.
My fasting - no food, no water - begins at midnight Wednesday night, so it'll be a long time until I see food and drink again! First 24-36 hours or so (depending on how I do) will be spent in the Thoracic ICU. I'll have the full compliment of tubes and wires during that time and will likely be out of it for the most part. Not a bad thing at all - I'd rather sleep through the worst of it ;). When they move me to a regular room, I'll just have an IV (no other tubes) and they will transition me to oral narcotics to get me up and moving about.
The surgery will take about 4 hours, so don't worry if you don't see an update until late Thursday night.
My surgeons are very confident - and I have complete confidence in them. They'll remove as much of my sternum as needed to get clear margins - all of it if necessary. If they remove most or all of it, the plastic surgeon may need to take tissue from my abdomen to cover the reconstructed sternum. If resection can be kept to a minimum, they will use to pectoral muscle instead (a favorable approach - so please visualize that for me!). There's also a lymph node under my collarbone and one under my 2nd and 3rd rib that need to be removed.
I'm as ready as I'm going to be...although pain may initially be worse after surgery, at least I'll know that I'm on the road to improvement once the surgery is done. They assure me that my pain will be well managed.
So...all is well! Thank you so much for the tremendous support I feel from all of you!! Keep the prayers, positive energy, and good vibes coming! Especially Thursday from 2:30 - 6;30 (and beyond!). I've been using my Prepare for Surgery hypnotherapy recording several times a day and will have the anesthesiologists read my healing statements during surgery. I will also be getting Reiki treatments while here!
I'll do my best to update you again tomorrow night - one last time before surgery. After that, my sister Gina will be posting to this blog with updates, until I'm well enough to do it myself again.
Until then...
Bliss & Blessings,
Lisa
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Ready, Set, Go!!
Dear ones…sorry it’s been so long since my last update. I can only say that it has been a month of twists, and turns, travels and surprises. But, I have also felt truly guided and blessed!!
When last I wrote, I’d met a brilliant thoracic surgeon, Dr. David Sugarbaker in Boston at Brigham & Women’s Hospital. The next day I was scheduled to meet with a medical oncologist at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. While the meeting with the surgeon went extremely well and left me feeling very optimistic, the meeting with the oncologist did not go quite as well (ok – major understatement!!). Not her fault really – the news just wasn’t so good. I came home a bit of a basket case – in pain physically and emotionally, overwhelmed, confused and needing time to regroup.
After a few days, I finally began to find my balance again - with the help of my fabulous coaches and dear friends - Jeannette Maw and Lisa Hayes, and a new friend Dr. Neil Spector at Duke University, as well as all my family and friends near and far. I still wasn’t feeling optimistic (that felt like too much of a reach right then), but I was on my way to finding some peace and I knew the next step was agreeing to visit Duke University Medical Center for a second opinion.
While the oncologist in Boston offered me little hope, the doctors at Duke were full of hope and support. I connected immediately with their positive attitude and philosophy and knew intuitively this was the place for me. So, immediately following the Thanksgiving holiday, I flew to North Carolina.
Wednesday, Nov 28th was a full day at Duke University’s Cancer Center and I’ll tell you what – I’d be very surprised if there’s a medical center anywhere else in the country that treats you as well as they do! Talk about Southern hospitality!! Not only are the doctors brilliant, but they treat you as if you’re a cherished family member. Everyone seems to begin and end their conversation by asking if they can get you anything – something to eat, to drink, can they make you more comfortable in any way. The facility itself is stunning. Lots of light and sunshine, beautiful grounds, amenities as if it was a fine hotel! Their system is not only efficient, but considerate. You get a pager when you arrive – that way you can make yourself comfortable anywhere in the building – the café, food court, fireplace lounge area, quiet room – and they’ll page you when they are ready for you. Not that you wait very long. And once you’re in an exam room, if you’re like me with lots of appointments with doctors from different departments and disciplines, you stay put and the doctors come to you!! How’s that for a concept?! Every medical center should be run this way!
Anyway – I digress ;). The consults at Duke went very, very well. I listened closely to what each specialist had to say and today I can tell you that I have a plan I feel very comfortable, confident and optimistic about.
My next step will be surgery, in Boston, on Thursday December 13th. It’s a major surgery – probably about as major as they come. I won’t go into details here, except to say that I have the utmost confidence in my surgeons and fully expect that I will emerge from the surgery with no evidence of disease. Recovery will be lengthy and I’ll get the opportunity to practice lots of different pain management techniques… ;). I’m intending to be recuperating at home with my family & friends around me by Christmas.
Another friend at Duke, Denise Paradis, connected me with a doctor who is making me a custom pre-surgery hypnosis CD! I’ll listen to it as often as possible before surgery affirming the outcomes I desire and releasing any fears and anxieties I may have…then, during surgery, the anesthesiologists will actually read aloud the “healing statements” I give them. This has been shown in some studies to reduce the need for pain meds up to 50% and to speed healing as well. Very cool!!
All in all, I guess I’m ready to go. The sooner we get started, the sooner I get to the other side of this. My sister will with me through the whole process in Boston and I’m betting I’ll also see a lot of my other cousin, Cheryl, who lives just outside of Boston. I seem to have cousins in all the right places these days ;).
Oh, and it turns out another friend of ours has a sister-in-law who works at Brigham & Women’s as a pre-op nurse! How does it get any better than this?! I seem to be attracting new friends and old at every turn on this journey - each of them bringing their own unique blessings.
After surgery, and my recovery, we’ll regroup based on where things stand. I’ll still need more treatment - radiation and chemo (though not necessarily in that order). My radiation treatments will be done here – same as last time. Chemo may or may not be here…depending on the chemical cocktail they recommend for me at Duke. Dr. Kim Blackwell is brilliant and thoroughly amazing, as is Dr. Neil Spector, and their entire team! I trust them completely.
So…please, visualize only the most positive outcomes for me next Monday between 3pm – 6pm as I have my pre-op PET/CT scan in Boston. There needs to be little if any growth in the cancer in my chest and no cancer showing up anywhere else, if the surgery is to go forward. Of course, I realized today that perhaps I should be going for the gold here – let’s visualize a complete cure! How about the PET/CT astonishingly shows no cancer at all!! Doctors and researchers are amazed – no one can explain it – it’s a miracle!! I’m thinking it’s really just as easy for God to orchestrate that, as it is anything else, so why not?!
And, assuming surgery goes forward as planned (they won’t need to do it if the cancer all disappears, right?!)…please blanket me in the pink light of love, send prayers of healing, Reiki energy, or whatever special blessings you favor, to me on Thursday, Dec 13th. I won’t know the exact time of my surgery until the night before, but when I have it I will be sure to post it here.
Thank you!! There is so much more I want to say about this experience over the past few weeks, but I’m going to have to save it for another post. My energy lags these days and I’m listening to my body better than ever before. It needs love and it needs me to give it what it needs…and so I am ;).
Speaking of which…if you call me and don’t reach me, or if I don’t get back to you, please know that I love knowing that you’re thinking of me and hearing your voice and message, but my time and energy is very short right now. Don’t let it discourage you from calling or writing – I love hearing from you! I just may not be able to get back to you for a while.
I love you all very much and I can’t wait to share with you all that I’m learning on this latest life journey!!
Blessings & Bliss,
Lisa
When last I wrote, I’d met a brilliant thoracic surgeon, Dr. David Sugarbaker in Boston at Brigham & Women’s Hospital. The next day I was scheduled to meet with a medical oncologist at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. While the meeting with the surgeon went extremely well and left me feeling very optimistic, the meeting with the oncologist did not go quite as well (ok – major understatement!!). Not her fault really – the news just wasn’t so good. I came home a bit of a basket case – in pain physically and emotionally, overwhelmed, confused and needing time to regroup.
After a few days, I finally began to find my balance again - with the help of my fabulous coaches and dear friends - Jeannette Maw and Lisa Hayes, and a new friend Dr. Neil Spector at Duke University, as well as all my family and friends near and far. I still wasn’t feeling optimistic (that felt like too much of a reach right then), but I was on my way to finding some peace and I knew the next step was agreeing to visit Duke University Medical Center for a second opinion.
While the oncologist in Boston offered me little hope, the doctors at Duke were full of hope and support. I connected immediately with their positive attitude and philosophy and knew intuitively this was the place for me. So, immediately following the Thanksgiving holiday, I flew to North Carolina.
By this point, my surgery was already scheduled in Boston for December 13 – weeks beyond what I would have liked, but apparently the best they could do – so I certainly had the time. My cousin Marci lives in Chapel Hill and she was the one who urged me to come to Duke. She introduced me to Neil Spector – her friend, neighbor and the Associate Director of Clinical Research of the Duke Cancer Institute and Director of the Duke Translational Research in Oncology (DTRO) Program. While Neil set me up with the best of the best at Duke, Marci made me comfortable in her lovely home, took time from her busy job to spend with me, and pampered me silly!!
Wednesday, Nov 28th was a full day at Duke University’s Cancer Center and I’ll tell you what – I’d be very surprised if there’s a medical center anywhere else in the country that treats you as well as they do! Talk about Southern hospitality!! Not only are the doctors brilliant, but they treat you as if you’re a cherished family member. Everyone seems to begin and end their conversation by asking if they can get you anything – something to eat, to drink, can they make you more comfortable in any way. The facility itself is stunning. Lots of light and sunshine, beautiful grounds, amenities as if it was a fine hotel! Their system is not only efficient, but considerate. You get a pager when you arrive – that way you can make yourself comfortable anywhere in the building – the café, food court, fireplace lounge area, quiet room – and they’ll page you when they are ready for you. Not that you wait very long. And once you’re in an exam room, if you’re like me with lots of appointments with doctors from different departments and disciplines, you stay put and the doctors come to you!! How’s that for a concept?! Every medical center should be run this way!
Anyway – I digress ;). The consults at Duke went very, very well. I listened closely to what each specialist had to say and today I can tell you that I have a plan I feel very comfortable, confident and optimistic about.
My next step will be surgery, in Boston, on Thursday December 13th. It’s a major surgery – probably about as major as they come. I won’t go into details here, except to say that I have the utmost confidence in my surgeons and fully expect that I will emerge from the surgery with no evidence of disease. Recovery will be lengthy and I’ll get the opportunity to practice lots of different pain management techniques… ;). I’m intending to be recuperating at home with my family & friends around me by Christmas.
Another friend at Duke, Denise Paradis, connected me with a doctor who is making me a custom pre-surgery hypnosis CD! I’ll listen to it as often as possible before surgery affirming the outcomes I desire and releasing any fears and anxieties I may have…then, during surgery, the anesthesiologists will actually read aloud the “healing statements” I give them. This has been shown in some studies to reduce the need for pain meds up to 50% and to speed healing as well. Very cool!!
All in all, I guess I’m ready to go. The sooner we get started, the sooner I get to the other side of this. My sister will with me through the whole process in Boston and I’m betting I’ll also see a lot of my other cousin, Cheryl, who lives just outside of Boston. I seem to have cousins in all the right places these days ;).
Oh, and it turns out another friend of ours has a sister-in-law who works at Brigham & Women’s as a pre-op nurse! How does it get any better than this?! I seem to be attracting new friends and old at every turn on this journey - each of them bringing their own unique blessings.
After surgery, and my recovery, we’ll regroup based on where things stand. I’ll still need more treatment - radiation and chemo (though not necessarily in that order). My radiation treatments will be done here – same as last time. Chemo may or may not be here…depending on the chemical cocktail they recommend for me at Duke. Dr. Kim Blackwell is brilliant and thoroughly amazing, as is Dr. Neil Spector, and their entire team! I trust them completely.
So…please, visualize only the most positive outcomes for me next Monday between 3pm – 6pm as I have my pre-op PET/CT scan in Boston. There needs to be little if any growth in the cancer in my chest and no cancer showing up anywhere else, if the surgery is to go forward. Of course, I realized today that perhaps I should be going for the gold here – let’s visualize a complete cure! How about the PET/CT astonishingly shows no cancer at all!! Doctors and researchers are amazed – no one can explain it – it’s a miracle!! I’m thinking it’s really just as easy for God to orchestrate that, as it is anything else, so why not?!
And, assuming surgery goes forward as planned (they won’t need to do it if the cancer all disappears, right?!)…please blanket me in the pink light of love, send prayers of healing, Reiki energy, or whatever special blessings you favor, to me on Thursday, Dec 13th. I won’t know the exact time of my surgery until the night before, but when I have it I will be sure to post it here.
Thank you!! There is so much more I want to say about this experience over the past few weeks, but I’m going to have to save it for another post. My energy lags these days and I’m listening to my body better than ever before. It needs love and it needs me to give it what it needs…and so I am ;).
Speaking of which…if you call me and don’t reach me, or if I don’t get back to you, please know that I love knowing that you’re thinking of me and hearing your voice and message, but my time and energy is very short right now. Don’t let it discourage you from calling or writing – I love hearing from you! I just may not be able to get back to you for a while.
I love you all very much and I can’t wait to share with you all that I’m learning on this latest life journey!!
Blessings & Bliss,
Lisa
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Day 1 - Boston
Hello from Boston!
I know a lot of you are anxiously awaiting updates...It's been a very busy day and I haven't really had time to be in touch. We're staying with my cousin Cheryl and her family, who live in Hopkinton - just outside of Boston. It's close in terms of miles, but a long drive based on traffic. So grateful to her for her hospitality though - warm bed, yummy dinners waiting, sweet pets...;).
We left early this morning, had a full day of consults and registration paperwork, and a long drive home through rush hour traffic tonight. Thank God for Maryann! She's done all the driving. I wouldn't even be physically capable of it right now (much less mentally - ha!), due to the pain in my chest and back. Plus, she knows Boston, so no worries about getting lost. I'd say we did pretty darn well today!
As for news...I saw the thoracic surgeon at Brigham & Women's today. He's one of the very best in the country - Dr. Sugarbaker. He agreed to take my case and feels very confident about achieving the goals of the surgery. It's major surgery, but not risky in the same way that say, open heart surgery is. Basically, long incision down the middle of my chest, they remove ("resect" in surgical terms) the affected lymph glands and my sternum, then reconstruct the sternum out of hard synthetic materials. A plastic surgeon would work side-by-side with him to "pretty things up", as much as possible. Key is, we get the cancer out and eliminate the problem causing the intense pain. I'd be here in Boston about a week, then recovering at home about 5 weeks.
Once I'm recovered from surgery, I'd begin chemo and after that radiation. Those treatments would be back home at Lourdes Hospital - with my doctors and the doctors here collaborating. Presumably. I won't know that plan for sure until tomorrow morning when I meet with the oncologist here at Dana Farber. In fact, until I meet with her, nothing is etched in stone about the surgery either. But, she (Dr. Kathryn Ruddy) and Dr. Sugarbaker have consulted on my case already and I expect to have a pretty good sense of where all this is going by the time I leave here tomorrow.
All in all, I'm feeling much more optimistic than I was just before coming here - or en route here...which was a very anxious time for me. Much as I've grown my faith and ability to "let go" over the past year or so, I'm still not so good with the unknown and unpredictability!
We'll see how I feel tomorrow. I should be on the road back home by noon. Hopefully, I'll be able to give you more of an update tomorrow night - but, more realistically, it may be Thursday. I'll need rest and thinking room after all this. It's quite a lot to take in. I am really very impressed with the medical facilities here though - the doctors and their staff. Very efficient; very friendly. I'll be sure to tell you more about all that when I get home. For now, I'm going to get some rest.
Thank you all very much for your support, generosity, and kindness!! You have no idea how much it means to me to know that I have so many wonderful friends and family in my corner!!!
Blessings & Bliss,
Lisa
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Expressing Gratitude and Setting Intentions
The last week has been a swirling vortex of preparation for me…preparing for my trip to Boston and ultimately, the longer journey that lies ahead. I’ll be leaving Monday, seeing a thoracic surgeon on Tuesday and a medical oncologist on Wednesday, before traveling back home. By the time I’m done there, I’ll know if I’m having surgery and when. Likely, it will be very soon. The plan for chemo may take longer, but that’s to follow surgery anyway.
But, here’s the thing…you know what they say about the “best laid plans…” Every time I think I know where this process is leading, I end up wrong. And this should not surprise me because this isn’t my first time down this road of unpredictability! Apparently, there is more to this lesson of acceptance and trust and letting go of resistance than I have learned thus far…so the lessons continue!
Bottom line – this is a serious and aggressive form of cancer, recurring in a part of my body that makes it very difficult to treat. I have the very best medical professionals helping me and I have the very best support network surrounding me with love. Prayers for my healing are echoing through the heavens and angels are smiling down at me – of this I am sure! Not much else is a sure bet at this moment.
So right now, while everything is still “up in the air”, I am setting my intentions:
The last couple of days I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the impact that this diagnosis has on the people I love most – and all those who want to support and assist me. I wish with all my heart that I could take this burden from you! It’s not the burden of helping – giving has its own rewards – it’s the pain and worry that I know is there for you because of what I’m going through. I can only trust that there is a hidden blessing in all of this for you too.
And…on that note – I want to say how very grateful I am to all of you for your support. You show your love in so many different ways – your thoughts and prayers, encouraging comments, coaching and healing sessions, food, driving me around (special, special thanks to Maryann Wilcox for being my companion on the Boston trip!), hooking me up with amazing medical resources (thanks Marci!!), hosting me (my gracious cousin Cheryl in Boston!), and those who have shown their generosity and support financially.
Since I have had a few inquiries from friends wondering about my financial needs, I’d like to address that here…first of all with a HUGE thank you to those who have reached out and assisted me financially in the past. You have touched my heart and eased my stress in a very profound and generous way!
To those who feel inspired to do so now or in the future, I am open to your assistance. This has become bigger than I can cope with alone. I have had little if any income since my first surgery in August 2011 and it looks like I’m in for a much longer, more difficult journey this time. While I do have excellent health insurance (thank God!), there are still medical expenses that are not covered – and this time it looks like there may be travel expenses as well. I live a fairly austere life, but if I am unable to work for a period of time, even my day-to-day expenses will become a struggle. I no longer have “back up” resources.
So, vulnerable as I feel in sharing this here, I’m doing it anyway, in trust and love. Many of you know how to reach me, but for those who do not, I have a post office box that I use for business at: P.O. Box 105, Endicott, NY 13761-0105. I have also started a “Chip-In” fund that uses my PayPal account:
I will keep you posted on the results of my trip to Boston. Please keep the love, prayers and positive intentions flowing! Thank you!!!
Bliss & Blessings,
Lisa
But, here’s the thing…you know what they say about the “best laid plans…” Every time I think I know where this process is leading, I end up wrong. And this should not surprise me because this isn’t my first time down this road of unpredictability! Apparently, there is more to this lesson of acceptance and trust and letting go of resistance than I have learned thus far…so the lessons continue!
Bottom line – this is a serious and aggressive form of cancer, recurring in a part of my body that makes it very difficult to treat. I have the very best medical professionals helping me and I have the very best support network surrounding me with love. Prayers for my healing are echoing through the heavens and angels are smiling down at me – of this I am sure! Not much else is a sure bet at this moment.
So right now, while everything is still “up in the air”, I am setting my intentions:
- To find ease in this process; peace in the advice I am given
- To accept all that happens without resistance, and instead, with the trust that somehow it’s all working out for my highest good and the highest good of all.
- To continue to savor and find joy in every moment – living life to the fullest; full of love!
- To find relief from pain is effortless, as I blanket myself in the energy of love
- To have the clarity, wisdom, and confidence to make good decisions
- To become so positively aligned with a cure, with wellness, vitality & bliss, that it cannot help but manifest in my physical reality!
- And to know, at the very depth of my being, that all truly is well – no matter what.
The last couple of days I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the impact that this diagnosis has on the people I love most – and all those who want to support and assist me. I wish with all my heart that I could take this burden from you! It’s not the burden of helping – giving has its own rewards – it’s the pain and worry that I know is there for you because of what I’m going through. I can only trust that there is a hidden blessing in all of this for you too.
And…on that note – I want to say how very grateful I am to all of you for your support. You show your love in so many different ways – your thoughts and prayers, encouraging comments, coaching and healing sessions, food, driving me around (special, special thanks to Maryann Wilcox for being my companion on the Boston trip!), hooking me up with amazing medical resources (thanks Marci!!), hosting me (my gracious cousin Cheryl in Boston!), and those who have shown their generosity and support financially.
Since I have had a few inquiries from friends wondering about my financial needs, I’d like to address that here…first of all with a HUGE thank you to those who have reached out and assisted me financially in the past. You have touched my heart and eased my stress in a very profound and generous way!
To those who feel inspired to do so now or in the future, I am open to your assistance. This has become bigger than I can cope with alone. I have had little if any income since my first surgery in August 2011 and it looks like I’m in for a much longer, more difficult journey this time. While I do have excellent health insurance (thank God!), there are still medical expenses that are not covered – and this time it looks like there may be travel expenses as well. I live a fairly austere life, but if I am unable to work for a period of time, even my day-to-day expenses will become a struggle. I no longer have “back up” resources.
So, vulnerable as I feel in sharing this here, I’m doing it anyway, in trust and love. Many of you know how to reach me, but for those who do not, I have a post office box that I use for business at: P.O. Box 105, Endicott, NY 13761-0105. I have also started a “Chip-In” fund that uses my PayPal account:
I will keep you posted on the results of my trip to Boston. Please keep the love, prayers and positive intentions flowing! Thank you!!!
Bliss & Blessings,
Lisa
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Of Brighter Days and Bliss...
The months before my latest diagnosis were filled with laughter, love, fun, and a feeling of success in "beating" cancer. I moved forward in the direction of my dreams with more confidence and clarity than I've had in years. I felt fearless and filled with a renewed appreciation for life that I longed to share with others at every opportunity.
Now, I'm drawing on all of those memories - reliving the feelings they inspired in me - and staying aligned with that sense of confidence, success, wellness and appreciation for life. You see, not only does that feel good, but it keeps me aligned with all that I desire to have now and in the future. It reminds me that I KNOW how to get through cancer - I've been there, done that! I know how to survive and thrive. I know how to find little glimpses of bliss on the darkest of days - and I know how to expand that little glimpse, until it becomes a ray of hope - a light that leads the way to brighter days.
This is a reminder of the value of experiencing life aware, present, and with all your senses!! When you do, you'll be able to recall those moments of bliss in a richer, fuller way. That leads to alignment and aligning with good, brings more good. Simple as that!
So...in the spirit of sharing, here are just a few of moments I will be remembering in the coming months...For me, they represent fun, ease, love, happy surprises, connection, friendship, confidence, clarity, and fearlessness.
In mid-October, I was asked to be a runway model for local boutique, Portobello Row, at an event sponsored by Lourdes Hospital called, Spirit of Women. What fun!! Especially for a "ham" like me! I also had the opportunity to catch up with a few old friends & PR colleagues from Lourdes after the event, which was an unexpected pleasure that brought much joy to my heart. My dear friends Christine & Karen joined me there (my own personal paparazzi, they took the photos!). Afterwards, Christine had Chinese food waiting for me at her house - one of those simple gestures that mean so much - especially since I was starving! Modeling is hard work! Hehe ;). It was a night filled with laughter, old friends, new friends, and lots of high vibes!
The next day, my parents hosted a big family dinner and we celebrated all over again. I have the BEST friends and family in the world!!
I was part of a different kind of family celebration in early October, when I toasted to my Goddaughter's future as she prepared to leave for Army basic training...At that moment, it seemed like just yesterday I was 18 years old, with all the hopes and dreams that go along with being a young adult. But you know what? 33 years later (yikes!!) I think I enjoy my life more and certainly appreciate it more, than I ever could have then...and I couldn't have gotten here, without the contrast of challenging times - or even the tragic ones. In fact, in many ways - I wouldn't change a single thing about my life right here, right now.
And finally, something that was very cathartic for me...a story that aired locally on Fox40 News, about my journey with triple negative breast cancer. It was a success story - told from the perspective of a survivor. I felt a sweet sense of closure after it aired. Little did I realize that just a few short weeks later, I'd be battling this nasty disease yet again.
So here we go...in many ways a familiar path - and that's okay because just like with anything else, experience is a good teacher. I've grown over the past year and a half - I'm better, stronger, more resilient, and more aligned with my desires than I was then. I know the value of keeping my eyes on the road and my hands on the wheel as I navigate through turbulence. And most of all, I know the value of savoring life - moment by delicious moment - something I fully intend to keep doing - no matter what. No conditions. No bargaining.
Thank you with all my heart for letting me share my thoughts with you!
Bliss & Blessings,
Lisa
Friday, November 2, 2012
Triple Negative Breast Cancer - Take Two
Should you ever doubt how quickly your life can change, consider this…Just one short month ago, I was celebrating the fact that I was cancer free; a survivor. Since then I have had countless blood tests, X-rays, CT Scans, nuclear bone scans, PET/CT Scans, a biopsy, and numerous physician consults…all of which delivered the one message no cancer survivor wants to hear – its back.
It began with chest pain in August. I thought it might be inflammation from the connective tissue healing in my rib cage and along my breast bone – a possible side effect of radiation called costochondritis. We tried ibuprofen and even prednisone, but it got worse instead of better. So, my doctor (who is absolutely brilliant & fabulous) decided further investigation was needed.
We discovered that the internal mammary lymph nodes just below my collarbone and along my breast bone were inflamed with cancer and that a large “c” shaped (how’s that for irony?!) cancerous lesion had destroyed part of my breast bone. The pathologist determined that the cancer cells are the same type they found in my breast – and since my breast drains into those lymph nodes, it seems reasonable to assume that’s where they originated. One of those nodes was resting against the breast bone and spread the disease there.
I guess this is one of those cases where you might say, “Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t”…At least it’s not lymphoma, or bone cancer, or something else. Instead it’s just that damn triple negative breast cancer back again to torment me. I really, truly thought I was done. Ha. When you’re triple negative, you’re never really done.
The day may come (and it probably will) when I can look at this and tell you how there was a beautiful lesson, or a blessing that occurred because of this turn of events, but today is not that day. I don’t discount that possibility – but today is not that day. And I’m giving myself that.
It’s also the reason I’m writing this blog post now and not several weeks ago. I needed time to digest all that was happening. I needed quiet to center myself and I needed a peaceful space as I waded through it all. And, I needed to have more information. So this is about as up-to-date as it gets thus far…though information is changing constantly.
It’s important to note that my treatment options are still being discussed and considered. I have an excellent team of doctors treating me here, most notably, my radiation oncologist who has been front and center with all this – Dr. Michael Fallon (I’m a HUGE fan, can you tell??!) and Dr. Joseph Readling, my cancer-fighting hero and medical oncologist – together, I call them my “dream team” ;).
Dr. Fallon has also been consulting with his colleagues and I’ll be planning a few road trips soon. The first will be to Brigham & Women’s in Boston - one the top 10 hospitals in the country. The Dana Farber/BW Women’s Cancer Center there is ranked number 5 in the nation. BWH is the teaching arm of Harvard Medical School.
Possible additional consults, if needed, include Sloan-Kettering (avoiding that right now due to all the storm damage & chaos), and Johns Hopkins…though I’m feeling like I may have this resolved after my visit to Boston.
Meanwhile, I’m being set up for more radiation here – something that takes time on the “back end” where medical physicists do AMAZING work with numbers and formulas ;). If I decide to opt out of surgery, radiation can begin immediately.
Suffice to say, I feel very well taken care of right now. And, I have an absolutely amazing network of support – including all of you!! So here’s what I need you to do for now…focus on visualizing us laughing and having fun together – I’m healthy, vibrant, and blissfully content! If you pray for me – pray prayers of thanksgiving for all the blessings I have been given and kindly ask that those blessing continue in abundance. Ask the Angels to surround me at all times - protecting me from everything but pure divine love.
It began with chest pain in August. I thought it might be inflammation from the connective tissue healing in my rib cage and along my breast bone – a possible side effect of radiation called costochondritis. We tried ibuprofen and even prednisone, but it got worse instead of better. So, my doctor (who is absolutely brilliant & fabulous) decided further investigation was needed.
We discovered that the internal mammary lymph nodes just below my collarbone and along my breast bone were inflamed with cancer and that a large “c” shaped (how’s that for irony?!) cancerous lesion had destroyed part of my breast bone. The pathologist determined that the cancer cells are the same type they found in my breast – and since my breast drains into those lymph nodes, it seems reasonable to assume that’s where they originated. One of those nodes was resting against the breast bone and spread the disease there.
I guess this is one of those cases where you might say, “Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t”…At least it’s not lymphoma, or bone cancer, or something else. Instead it’s just that damn triple negative breast cancer back again to torment me. I really, truly thought I was done. Ha. When you’re triple negative, you’re never really done.
The day may come (and it probably will) when I can look at this and tell you how there was a beautiful lesson, or a blessing that occurred because of this turn of events, but today is not that day. I don’t discount that possibility – but today is not that day. And I’m giving myself that.
It’s also the reason I’m writing this blog post now and not several weeks ago. I needed time to digest all that was happening. I needed quiet to center myself and I needed a peaceful space as I waded through it all. And, I needed to have more information. So this is about as up-to-date as it gets thus far…though information is changing constantly.
It’s important to note that my treatment options are still being discussed and considered. I have an excellent team of doctors treating me here, most notably, my radiation oncologist who has been front and center with all this – Dr. Michael Fallon (I’m a HUGE fan, can you tell??!) and Dr. Joseph Readling, my cancer-fighting hero and medical oncologist – together, I call them my “dream team” ;).
Dr. Fallon has also been consulting with his colleagues and I’ll be planning a few road trips soon. The first will be to Brigham & Women’s in Boston - one the top 10 hospitals in the country. The Dana Farber/BW Women’s Cancer Center there is ranked number 5 in the nation. BWH is the teaching arm of Harvard Medical School.
Possible additional consults, if needed, include Sloan-Kettering (avoiding that right now due to all the storm damage & chaos), and Johns Hopkins…though I’m feeling like I may have this resolved after my visit to Boston.
Meanwhile, I’m being set up for more radiation here – something that takes time on the “back end” where medical physicists do AMAZING work with numbers and formulas ;). If I decide to opt out of surgery, radiation can begin immediately.
Suffice to say, I feel very well taken care of right now. And, I have an absolutely amazing network of support – including all of you!! So here’s what I need you to do for now…focus on visualizing us laughing and having fun together – I’m healthy, vibrant, and blissfully content! If you pray for me – pray prayers of thanksgiving for all the blessings I have been given and kindly ask that those blessing continue in abundance. Ask the Angels to surround me at all times - protecting me from everything but pure divine love.
Your notes of support, uplifting comments, check-ins…all mean so much to me…so keep ‘em coming! And I promise to keep you posted on any news this side of things. Just like last time around, this blog helps me to keep everyone who cares up-to-date, all at once – which helps me to continue to have a life outside of “cancer talk”. Very important in keeping my focus, my energy, and my emotions balanced.
Last, but not least, one final thought…
I opened this post talking about how quickly life can change - and while I’ve had plenty of examples of that in the last five years or so, I’m choosing to remember this:
Life DOES turn on a dime. Twists, turns, and surprises await us every day and sometimes it seems, around every corner. But that’s precisely when the most unexpected, mind-blowingly positive miracles can occur! Sometimes those twists and turns lead us to exactly the place we most want to be!
If life can change overnight – surely it can do so in either direction – for better or for worse. And I believe that we get to choose… so I’m choosing to welcome in some blissful changes! I’m choosing change for the better – whatever the path I need to follow to get me there.
And, I have to say…this is one crazy twisty-turny path Universe plotted out for me! I sure am curious to see where all this is going and how it is that I’ll get there! Meanwhile, I am open and ready to receive all the blessings that come my way – from expected and unexpected sources – with open arms, no resistance, and with much appreciation and gratitude ;).
All is well, no matter what. No conditions. No bargaining.
Bliss & Blessings,
Lisa
Last, but not least, one final thought…
I opened this post talking about how quickly life can change - and while I’ve had plenty of examples of that in the last five years or so, I’m choosing to remember this:
Life DOES turn on a dime. Twists, turns, and surprises await us every day and sometimes it seems, around every corner. But that’s precisely when the most unexpected, mind-blowingly positive miracles can occur! Sometimes those twists and turns lead us to exactly the place we most want to be!
If life can change overnight – surely it can do so in either direction – for better or for worse. And I believe that we get to choose… so I’m choosing to welcome in some blissful changes! I’m choosing change for the better – whatever the path I need to follow to get me there.
And, I have to say…this is one crazy twisty-turny path Universe plotted out for me! I sure am curious to see where all this is going and how it is that I’ll get there! Meanwhile, I am open and ready to receive all the blessings that come my way – from expected and unexpected sources – with open arms, no resistance, and with much appreciation and gratitude ;).
All is well, no matter what. No conditions. No bargaining.
Bliss & Blessings,
Lisa
Monday, July 16, 2012
Leaping Forward
Right up front I’ll tell you that this post will be a little different from the rest. You see, I’m ready to leap back into my professional life, and I’m asking for your assistance.
It’s been a little over a year since my journey with breast cancer began. I’ve progressed from learning about my cancer, to treating it, to recovering from it…During much of that journey, I wasn’t able to work.
On one hand, being self-employed offered me flexibility. I was able to keep working initially, despite the myriad of appointments, tests, and hospital visits that followed my diagnosis. But once I began treatment, I was unable to market myself or my services. There was no way to predict reliably when I’d have a good day and be able to work. As it turned out, most days it was difficult to function, much less think creatively. That meant work was pretty much out of the question - and in my world, no work meant no income.
Out of which came one of my journey’s greatest blessings …learning to let go and trust!
Interestingly though, it was easier to do when I was sick. I didn’t really have any choice then. Now it has to be more of a conscious decision. So, I’m learning balance. Like a toddler learning to walk, I expect to wobble and fall a few times. I also know that I’ll get back up and try it again. It’s the only way to move forward.
So, I am offering my gifts to the world and trusting that those who value them will find me – or I them - and that I will be supported along the way.
And, I am balancing that with letting as many people as possible know what it is that I do! My newest website www.AuthenticallyLisa.com, was my first step in that direction. It’s a quick and easy resource for all my various businesses and services.
And now, I’m reaching out directly to all of you… Will you help me jumpstart my business again? Is there something I can do for you? A product or service I can offer you? Do you know someone else who could benefit, or who would be interested in what I offer?
Here’s a synopsis of what I do:
My most established business (founded in 2000) is The Write Strategy, where I offer all sorts of writing services – like brochure and web copy, press releases, magazine articles, blog posts – and pretty much any other form of the written word. I also offer public relations consulting, and various other marketing and business oriented services.
By now you may have heard about my coaching practice, Deliberate Sensuality. What makes me passionate about my coaching is the speed and ease with which I can lift a person’s spirits and get them engaged and excited about their life again! I can take just about any everyday experience and make it a source of pleasure for you. C’mon – I dare you! Give me a challenge! I offer individual sessions on the phone, in person, via Skype, through email – I even offer what I call “Red Hot Moment Text Support” for those moments when you know you’re moving headlong down a path that doesn’t serve you, all you have to do is send me a text and I’ll help you get turned around. I have lots of different coaching packages to choose from – and you can find them at Deliberate Sensuality.
My most recent offering is Angelic Assistance. The Angels stayed especially close to me during my journey, guiding and comforting me through it all. I feel inspired now to share that guidance with others. So, if you want to learn more about connecting with your Angels, or if you’d like me to bridge that gap for you – I’d be happy to offer you their guidance. I use Doreen Virtue’s Angel Card decks, my own intuitive guidance and connect with Angels on your behalf. Every single person who has requested my assistance has been thrilled with the results! Some of their testimonials can be found on the Angelic Assistance page of my Authentically Lisa site.
And finally, my essential oils and aromatherapy services… I have been a distributor for Young Living Essential Oils since 2001. I have learned, taught about, and used the oils every day since. They are an incredible gift from God for our wellness – both physically and emotionally. I use them in conjunction with just about all my other services in some way. Even my business services often include me using Abundance oil, or Clarity, or Highest Potential – for the best and highest good of all - whether clients know it or not! Right now, I have quite a collection of oils “in stock” that I am willing to sell at a discount. If you’re interested, ask me which ones I have on hand, or tell me about a challenge you’re having and I’ll recommend one for you.
All of these products and services can be linked to throughAuthentically Lisa – or you can take the easy approach and just get in touch with me by phone or email for a chat. It’s your choice...And I love you and appreciate you no matter what…because if you’re reading this, you’re already supporting me, more than you know!
Namaste
Xo
Lisa
It’s been a little over a year since my journey with breast cancer began. I’ve progressed from learning about my cancer, to treating it, to recovering from it…During much of that journey, I wasn’t able to work.
On one hand, being self-employed offered me flexibility. I was able to keep working initially, despite the myriad of appointments, tests, and hospital visits that followed my diagnosis. But once I began treatment, I was unable to market myself or my services. There was no way to predict reliably when I’d have a good day and be able to work. As it turned out, most days it was difficult to function, much less think creatively. That meant work was pretty much out of the question - and in my world, no work meant no income.
Out of which came one of my journey’s greatest blessings …learning to let go and trust!
Interestingly though, it was easier to do when I was sick. I didn’t really have any choice then. Now it has to be more of a conscious decision. So, I’m learning balance. Like a toddler learning to walk, I expect to wobble and fall a few times. I also know that I’ll get back up and try it again. It’s the only way to move forward.
So, I am offering my gifts to the world and trusting that those who value them will find me – or I them - and that I will be supported along the way.
And, I am balancing that with letting as many people as possible know what it is that I do! My newest website www.AuthenticallyLisa.com, was my first step in that direction. It’s a quick and easy resource for all my various businesses and services.
And now, I’m reaching out directly to all of you… Will you help me jumpstart my business again? Is there something I can do for you? A product or service I can offer you? Do you know someone else who could benefit, or who would be interested in what I offer?
Here’s a synopsis of what I do:
My most established business (founded in 2000) is The Write Strategy, where I offer all sorts of writing services – like brochure and web copy, press releases, magazine articles, blog posts – and pretty much any other form of the written word. I also offer public relations consulting, and various other marketing and business oriented services.
By now you may have heard about my coaching practice, Deliberate Sensuality. What makes me passionate about my coaching is the speed and ease with which I can lift a person’s spirits and get them engaged and excited about their life again! I can take just about any everyday experience and make it a source of pleasure for you. C’mon – I dare you! Give me a challenge! I offer individual sessions on the phone, in person, via Skype, through email – I even offer what I call “Red Hot Moment Text Support” for those moments when you know you’re moving headlong down a path that doesn’t serve you, all you have to do is send me a text and I’ll help you get turned around. I have lots of different coaching packages to choose from – and you can find them at Deliberate Sensuality.
My most recent offering is Angelic Assistance. The Angels stayed especially close to me during my journey, guiding and comforting me through it all. I feel inspired now to share that guidance with others. So, if you want to learn more about connecting with your Angels, or if you’d like me to bridge that gap for you – I’d be happy to offer you their guidance. I use Doreen Virtue’s Angel Card decks, my own intuitive guidance and connect with Angels on your behalf. Every single person who has requested my assistance has been thrilled with the results! Some of their testimonials can be found on the Angelic Assistance page of my Authentically Lisa site.
And finally, my essential oils and aromatherapy services… I have been a distributor for Young Living Essential Oils since 2001. I have learned, taught about, and used the oils every day since. They are an incredible gift from God for our wellness – both physically and emotionally. I use them in conjunction with just about all my other services in some way. Even my business services often include me using Abundance oil, or Clarity, or Highest Potential – for the best and highest good of all - whether clients know it or not! Right now, I have quite a collection of oils “in stock” that I am willing to sell at a discount. If you’re interested, ask me which ones I have on hand, or tell me about a challenge you’re having and I’ll recommend one for you.
All of these products and services can be linked to throughAuthentically Lisa – or you can take the easy approach and just get in touch with me by phone or email for a chat. It’s your choice...And I love you and appreciate you no matter what…because if you’re reading this, you’re already supporting me, more than you know!
Namaste
Xo
Lisa
Monday, June 25, 2012
Blissfully Sick
An oxymoron? Well maybe…but not for me today. Odd as it sounds, I found my bliss today in being sick. Not seriously sick mind you. Just “under the weather”.
You see, I got a little off track from my now sacred self care routine over the past five days. Ok - let's be honest, we're talking waaaay off track, as in completely jumped the rails off track. It was super-busy, albeit with fun stuff...non-stop parties, visitors, family from out-of-town, cook outs. Which also meant daily grocery shopping trips, cooking, cleaning, socializing, and endless driving here & there. You get the picture. As a result, there were no naps. I was going to bed late & getting up early. Every day I ate at least some food that my body can’t handle. I had virtually no quiet down time, and eventually a very distinct out-of-control feeling that made me stop in my tracks long enough to realize just how far I’d let myself fall.
So last night, after a shorter than planned stay at the last of the parties, I took a long nap (about 2 hours). I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, waking with what I thought was the most severe allergy attack I'd had in years. Oddly though, allergy pills weren’t providing ANY relief. Pollen counts must be through the roof! Or was it the barometric pressure shifting? As the day progressed, I managed but never really felt well. The nap was just the tiniest first step toward what I really needed.
I never left my recliner until bedtime and then I took a Benadryl to “shore up” the daily allergy meds. At least I’d sleep. And sleep I did…but, when I woke up this morning, there were all the symptoms – full force and worse than yesterday. Huh.
I checked pollen counts - they were at the lowest levels in months. It can't be my allergies, I thought. Ugh! A cold?! In June?! But, it's neither. It’s my body signaling an ALL STOP. So, first things first. Time to readjust the day's plans and schedules. It’s Monday and I’d been planning this as a “catch up” day after what has essentially been 5-days off. I had actually been looking forward to getting back to the routine, but now I was cancelling everything.
Here’s where the bliss comes in…with every little thing I cancelled – whether it was lunch plans, or something on my “to-do” list – I found that I started to breathe a little more easily. I began feeling lighter than I had in DAYS! And this is where it gets really good…the sniffling and sneezing were subsiding too! My symptoms didn’t go away completely…my body knows me better than that! Things just improved. It was another message from my Inner Guidance, “You’re on the right path.”
A long, hot shower yielded a familiar “ahhhhhh…” Food my body likes for breakfast, “yessss!” I was sitting in my recliner, laptop on my lap, with kitties snoozing peacefully around me when bliss really started kicking in…and the realizations couldn’t be more obvious...I needed this.
This is me getting back on course. There will be no self-recriminations, no blaming of circumstances and no justifications or rationalizations. It happens. The key here is recognizing it when it happens (preferably sooner versus later!) and getting back on track. Fortunately, I don’t imagine it will take me long. I’ve gotten pretty darn good at loving myself…and forgiving myself.
Self love in action means self care at the highest level you are capable of giving yourself at that moment. It also means forgiving yourself for the times when you don't meet your own high expectations.
I know how all that looks in my life. But I'm wondering...how does it look in yours? How do you manage when life gets the better of you? Whether it's stress, or a busy schedule, what throws you off track? And when it happens, how do you find your way back?
If you’re not feeling your bliss, it's likely you’re a little (or a lot!) off track right now. It’s ok. It happens to all of us – even me! I'd be happy to assist you with getting back on track - or in finding the path to bliss that's uniquely yours. Just get in touch with me and we'll figure out where to go from there. I'll put my hard-learned lessons to work for you. Once you taste just how sweet life can be, you’ll never go back – or at least not for long!
Wishing you a sensualtastic week full of bliss!
xoxo
Lisa
You see, I got a little off track from my now sacred self care routine over the past five days. Ok - let's be honest, we're talking waaaay off track, as in completely jumped the rails off track. It was super-busy, albeit with fun stuff...non-stop parties, visitors, family from out-of-town, cook outs. Which also meant daily grocery shopping trips, cooking, cleaning, socializing, and endless driving here & there. You get the picture. As a result, there were no naps. I was going to bed late & getting up early. Every day I ate at least some food that my body can’t handle. I had virtually no quiet down time, and eventually a very distinct out-of-control feeling that made me stop in my tracks long enough to realize just how far I’d let myself fall.
So last night, after a shorter than planned stay at the last of the parties, I took a long nap (about 2 hours). I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, waking with what I thought was the most severe allergy attack I'd had in years. Oddly though, allergy pills weren’t providing ANY relief. Pollen counts must be through the roof! Or was it the barometric pressure shifting? As the day progressed, I managed but never really felt well. The nap was just the tiniest first step toward what I really needed.
I never left my recliner until bedtime and then I took a Benadryl to “shore up” the daily allergy meds. At least I’d sleep. And sleep I did…but, when I woke up this morning, there were all the symptoms – full force and worse than yesterday. Huh.
I checked pollen counts - they were at the lowest levels in months. It can't be my allergies, I thought. Ugh! A cold?! In June?! But, it's neither. It’s my body signaling an ALL STOP. So, first things first. Time to readjust the day's plans and schedules. It’s Monday and I’d been planning this as a “catch up” day after what has essentially been 5-days off. I had actually been looking forward to getting back to the routine, but now I was cancelling everything.
Here’s where the bliss comes in…with every little thing I cancelled – whether it was lunch plans, or something on my “to-do” list – I found that I started to breathe a little more easily. I began feeling lighter than I had in DAYS! And this is where it gets really good…the sniffling and sneezing were subsiding too! My symptoms didn’t go away completely…my body knows me better than that! Things just improved. It was another message from my Inner Guidance, “You’re on the right path.”
A long, hot shower yielded a familiar “ahhhhhh…” Food my body likes for breakfast, “yessss!” I was sitting in my recliner, laptop on my lap, with kitties snoozing peacefully around me when bliss really started kicking in…and the realizations couldn’t be more obvious...I needed this.
This is me getting back on course. There will be no self-recriminations, no blaming of circumstances and no justifications or rationalizations. It happens. The key here is recognizing it when it happens (preferably sooner versus later!) and getting back on track. Fortunately, I don’t imagine it will take me long. I’ve gotten pretty darn good at loving myself…and forgiving myself.
Self love in action means self care at the highest level you are capable of giving yourself at that moment. It also means forgiving yourself for the times when you don't meet your own high expectations.
I know how all that looks in my life. But I'm wondering...how does it look in yours? How do you manage when life gets the better of you? Whether it's stress, or a busy schedule, what throws you off track? And when it happens, how do you find your way back?
If you’re not feeling your bliss, it's likely you’re a little (or a lot!) off track right now. It’s ok. It happens to all of us – even me! I'd be happy to assist you with getting back on track - or in finding the path to bliss that's uniquely yours. Just get in touch with me and we'll figure out where to go from there. I'll put my hard-learned lessons to work for you. Once you taste just how sweet life can be, you’ll never go back – or at least not for long!
Wishing you a sensualtastic week full of bliss!
xoxo
Lisa
Friday, June 1, 2012
It's Not Over Till It's Over...
I've been learning a lot lately...and I must say that the lessons are coming so quickly and profoundly at times that I'm not quite sure yet how to articulate them all. So, bear with me - this will likely be a lengthy read!
One of the things that's become obvious though, is that my journey is not yet complete. But then, is it ever? For any of us? Life is but a journey sounds trite. Life is a series of many journeys seems truer to me. Sometimes they have distinct beginnings and endings. Sometimes they sort of merge into each other. Hopefully we take some greater understanding from each.
About a month ago (when I first started to write this blog post - ha!) I felt like I was at a sort of uncomfortable point in my journey - not quite the end, not quite the merging point...frankly I wasn't sure WHERE I was...I was feeling sort of lost and frustrated.
My body hasn't yet completely healed from the cancer treatments. I'm profoundly fatigued and find I have to rest a lot more than I'm used to...It's not the kind of fatigue that you can resolve with a weekend of solid sleep, but more like relentless fatigue that keeps coming back no matter how much you rest. Silly things tire me out. I need at least one nap most days, sometimes two. It frustrates me because there's so much I want to do, but I can't do it all - at least not on the timetable I intend...but I'm making peace with that for now. I know it takes time.
There's still some nerve damage in my fingers and toes (neuropathy) and that's caused some unexpected problems with my feet. I have neuromas (benign nerve tumors) in both feet, which had to be treated with two injections in each foot. If they haven't shrunk down considerably in three months, we'll have to do that again. (YUK!!)
My digestive disorder (Gastroparesis) was exacerbated by the chemo and I'm trying to find some new ways of managing that...a severely restrictive FODMAP elimination diet is the cure du jour...we'll see how that works out! So far it seems to be helping - at least when I stick to it! Ha.
And then there's the rekindling of my professional life...after many months of not really being able to work, I'm putting the pieces back together and sorting out what still fits and what does not. Rebuilding my business practically from scratch will take time - and I want to make sure I do it in a way that will serve me best.As a single, self-employed mom though, I was feeling the pressure to move quickly and begin generating some income again. THAT was leading to all kinds of kinky vibes!
Fortunately for me, I have the most awesome and inspiring supportive network of friends and colleagues a girl could ask for! I reached out for some advice from my GVU clan and in an instant I was back on track - remembering how this works...I CHOOSE! I choose my reality, I choose how this goes, I choose what I want. I focus on THAT desire - not the rest of it. Once I "place my order", I LET GO...and trust that it all unfolds perfectly. I don't need to effort endlessly. EASE. GRACE. TRUST.
I didn't have to reach back very far to get some of my own incredible examples either...During chemo for instance, I was too tired and too sick to play my control freak games with life. I trusted, I let go, and it all worked out. Funny how quickly and how easily we can forget BIG life lessons!
But I still wondered why I felt so lost. My very wise friend Kim Falconer explained it this way...she said (in a much more eloquent way than I can!) that I'm at the most heroic point in my hero's journey. I'm in the forest, surrounded by trees, there is no path. I have to let go of feeling like there needs to be a path, and trust that one will emerge when the time is right, and when it does, it will be more magnificent than anything I could have conceived of before...
Hmm...More letting go. This letting go thing may be the toughest life lesson I've ever learned! But, I suspect, it's also the most valuable. It just keeps coming back...so I keep letting go ;).
Now, as I mentioned, all that was about a month ago. Flash forward to present and I've made some progress. I got back to my basics of self-care, being gentle with myself, practicing my own Art of Deliberate Sensuality - the same kind of trust and appreciation and gentle contemplation that got me through chemo.
I also felt drawn back to a daily practice of meditation with the Angels. I found that once I started, I began to realize how much I'd missed that time in my day. My Angels were VERY present with me through my journey with cancer (Oh, the stories I could share!!) - and my relationship with them grew much deeper and stronger as a result. But, as I "got back to business", so to speak, I'd spent less and less focused time with them. I never failed to reach out for a few minutes at the beginning and end of my day, but that was about it.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, a very dear new friend expressed an interest in learning more about the Angels. There was something about that simple request that triggered MAJOR inspiration in me...I decided to offer complimentary Angelic Assistance Intuitive Guidance via email, free of charge to a small group of people, just to see how it "felt" to me - and to them. The results were astounding!!
My days began to fill with a deeper sense of peace and contentment again. The more time I spent with the Angels, asking them for guidance on behalf of others, the more peace I felt. Then, as the responses began coming in from the people I did the readings for, my heart swelled with joy and my confidence grew. The guidance was incredibly accurate, they told me, right on the mark - bringing them peace, joy, blessings, reassurance...and a desire to connect more deeply themselves. I was assisting the Angels and they were assisting me! How does it get any better than that??! I felt the desire to spend more and more time in communication with the Angels.
Interestingly, this was something I had the desire to do YEARS ago, but I dismissed it. What would people think? What if I fail to bring through clear guidance or get it all wrong? Who will be interested? Hmmm...I know better now and I know this is something I'm meant to do. Besides, I can't get it wrong. I'm working with Angels!
Cancer has made me braver, stronger, more resilient than I ever was before. Cancer has taught me that there is only NOW and we need to make it count. All those letting go lessons? Well, I'm letting go...of fear (bah-bye!), and worry over what others think (see ya!)...just for starters! I'm embracing a life that will nurture and heal my body and I'm trusting that it will all work out.
And, now here's my shameless plug...visit my new site www.AuthenticallyLisa.com where you can get a glimpse of all things authentically Lisa. I currently have three very different businesses, each with services that it is truly my pleasure to provide. The Write Strategy with writing and public relations consulting services; Deliberate Sensuality - my coaching practice to assist you in savoring life more fully moment by moment through mindfulness and connecting with your physical senses; and finally Angelic Assistance - where I will provide Angelic Guidance to those who request it near or far, via email as well as Intuitive Coaching services with the guidance of the Angels. I have a Lisa's Leap page there for this blog too! And I'm feeling out whether there's an interest among those currently undergoing cancer treatments, or individuals still recovering, for compassionate coaching services to assist them in riding out the journey in an intentional and positive way.
Soon, I'll be adding a few books (which I am currently working on...) and other products!
Even if you are not in need of any of my services, I hope that you will check out my new website, let me know what you think, and recommend me to others who may be interested. I am also happy to provide gift certificates for anything you find at Authentically Lisa. If you'd like more information on any of my services, please let me know - I'd be happy to chat with you about it!
So...here's daring something worthy and savoring every delicious moment this adventure in time & space has to offer us!
Cheers,
Lisa
One of the things that's become obvious though, is that my journey is not yet complete. But then, is it ever? For any of us? Life is but a journey sounds trite. Life is a series of many journeys seems truer to me. Sometimes they have distinct beginnings and endings. Sometimes they sort of merge into each other. Hopefully we take some greater understanding from each.
About a month ago (when I first started to write this blog post - ha!) I felt like I was at a sort of uncomfortable point in my journey - not quite the end, not quite the merging point...frankly I wasn't sure WHERE I was...I was feeling sort of lost and frustrated.
My body hasn't yet completely healed from the cancer treatments. I'm profoundly fatigued and find I have to rest a lot more than I'm used to...It's not the kind of fatigue that you can resolve with a weekend of solid sleep, but more like relentless fatigue that keeps coming back no matter how much you rest. Silly things tire me out. I need at least one nap most days, sometimes two. It frustrates me because there's so much I want to do, but I can't do it all - at least not on the timetable I intend...but I'm making peace with that for now. I know it takes time.
There's still some nerve damage in my fingers and toes (neuropathy) and that's caused some unexpected problems with my feet. I have neuromas (benign nerve tumors) in both feet, which had to be treated with two injections in each foot. If they haven't shrunk down considerably in three months, we'll have to do that again. (YUK!!)
My digestive disorder (Gastroparesis) was exacerbated by the chemo and I'm trying to find some new ways of managing that...a severely restrictive FODMAP elimination diet is the cure du jour...we'll see how that works out! So far it seems to be helping - at least when I stick to it! Ha.
And then there's the rekindling of my professional life...after many months of not really being able to work, I'm putting the pieces back together and sorting out what still fits and what does not. Rebuilding my business practically from scratch will take time - and I want to make sure I do it in a way that will serve me best.As a single, self-employed mom though, I was feeling the pressure to move quickly and begin generating some income again. THAT was leading to all kinds of kinky vibes!
Fortunately for me, I have the most awesome and inspiring supportive network of friends and colleagues a girl could ask for! I reached out for some advice from my GVU clan and in an instant I was back on track - remembering how this works...I CHOOSE! I choose my reality, I choose how this goes, I choose what I want. I focus on THAT desire - not the rest of it. Once I "place my order", I LET GO...and trust that it all unfolds perfectly. I don't need to effort endlessly. EASE. GRACE. TRUST.
I didn't have to reach back very far to get some of my own incredible examples either...During chemo for instance, I was too tired and too sick to play my control freak games with life. I trusted, I let go, and it all worked out. Funny how quickly and how easily we can forget BIG life lessons!
But I still wondered why I felt so lost. My very wise friend Kim Falconer explained it this way...she said (in a much more eloquent way than I can!) that I'm at the most heroic point in my hero's journey. I'm in the forest, surrounded by trees, there is no path. I have to let go of feeling like there needs to be a path, and trust that one will emerge when the time is right, and when it does, it will be more magnificent than anything I could have conceived of before...
Hmm...More letting go. This letting go thing may be the toughest life lesson I've ever learned! But, I suspect, it's also the most valuable. It just keeps coming back...so I keep letting go ;).
Now, as I mentioned, all that was about a month ago. Flash forward to present and I've made some progress. I got back to my basics of self-care, being gentle with myself, practicing my own Art of Deliberate Sensuality - the same kind of trust and appreciation and gentle contemplation that got me through chemo.
I also felt drawn back to a daily practice of meditation with the Angels. I found that once I started, I began to realize how much I'd missed that time in my day. My Angels were VERY present with me through my journey with cancer (Oh, the stories I could share!!) - and my relationship with them grew much deeper and stronger as a result. But, as I "got back to business", so to speak, I'd spent less and less focused time with them. I never failed to reach out for a few minutes at the beginning and end of my day, but that was about it.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, a very dear new friend expressed an interest in learning more about the Angels. There was something about that simple request that triggered MAJOR inspiration in me...I decided to offer complimentary Angelic Assistance Intuitive Guidance via email, free of charge to a small group of people, just to see how it "felt" to me - and to them. The results were astounding!!
My days began to fill with a deeper sense of peace and contentment again. The more time I spent with the Angels, asking them for guidance on behalf of others, the more peace I felt. Then, as the responses began coming in from the people I did the readings for, my heart swelled with joy and my confidence grew. The guidance was incredibly accurate, they told me, right on the mark - bringing them peace, joy, blessings, reassurance...and a desire to connect more deeply themselves. I was assisting the Angels and they were assisting me! How does it get any better than that??! I felt the desire to spend more and more time in communication with the Angels.
Interestingly, this was something I had the desire to do YEARS ago, but I dismissed it. What would people think? What if I fail to bring through clear guidance or get it all wrong? Who will be interested? Hmmm...I know better now and I know this is something I'm meant to do. Besides, I can't get it wrong. I'm working with Angels!
Cancer has made me braver, stronger, more resilient than I ever was before. Cancer has taught me that there is only NOW and we need to make it count. All those letting go lessons? Well, I'm letting go...of fear (bah-bye!), and worry over what others think (see ya!)...just for starters! I'm embracing a life that will nurture and heal my body and I'm trusting that it will all work out.
And, now here's my shameless plug...visit my new site www.AuthenticallyLisa.com where you can get a glimpse of all things authentically Lisa. I currently have three very different businesses, each with services that it is truly my pleasure to provide. The Write Strategy with writing and public relations consulting services; Deliberate Sensuality - my coaching practice to assist you in savoring life more fully moment by moment through mindfulness and connecting with your physical senses; and finally Angelic Assistance - where I will provide Angelic Guidance to those who request it near or far, via email as well as Intuitive Coaching services with the guidance of the Angels. I have a Lisa's Leap page there for this blog too! And I'm feeling out whether there's an interest among those currently undergoing cancer treatments, or individuals still recovering, for compassionate coaching services to assist them in riding out the journey in an intentional and positive way.
Soon, I'll be adding a few books (which I am currently working on...) and other products!
Even if you are not in need of any of my services, I hope that you will check out my new website, let me know what you think, and recommend me to others who may be interested. I am also happy to provide gift certificates for anything you find at Authentically Lisa. If you'd like more information on any of my services, please let me know - I'd be happy to chat with you about it!
So...here's daring something worthy and savoring every delicious moment this adventure in time & space has to offer us!
Cheers,
Lisa
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Energy Management
As I journey back to full strength, my impatience sometimes gets the better of me. I want it ALL and I want it NOW! Ha. Thing is, (according to my body...), that's just not how it works. In fact, "energy management", I am realizing, is actually just a myth. The closest thing to it really, is just to go with the natural ebb and flow. In fact, why would we want to do anything else? That doesn't mean a "go with the flow" approach comes without challenges, however.
My energy comes in very uneven and often very unpredictable spurts. To some extent, I've always been that way, but never quite like this. My body thinks it needs about 10.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. Tough to do when your spirit feels like it wants to catch up for the last 10 months of "down time"! Also tough to do when your body clock says midnight is bedtime and you have to get your daughter up for school at 6 am every morning.
Naptime, late afternoon around 4:30, has been a pretty sacred ritual for me over the years. Even if it only amounts to 20 minutes of peace and quiet, or silent contemplation - it's the break that refreshes. That's never been more true, or more necessary than now. However, that too cuts into my waking time.
And that waking time...well, let's just say I'm not quite as efficient as I used to be! There's a very direct correlation between my chemo brain symptoms and my level of fatigue. So...Tired = foggy, groggy, and even more quirky and distracted than usual! Words don't come as easily to my writer's brain. Sometimes, when I think they have come easily, I read it again and realize I was mistaken - ha!
Happily, those symptoms are diminishing every day, but get me tired and there's no telling what amusing mistakes I'll make! Ask my daughter...;).
Despite all that, the creative ideas keep flowing and I do what I can day-to-day. It never quite feels like "enough", but I remind myself that everything is unfolding perfectly, for everyone's best and highest good - including my own. I also know that what we resists, persists and that frustration only uses up more precious energy.
I know that the best and most important things I can do for myself right now (or EVER!) are:
I'm also taking on select new projects with The Write Strategy. Only work I feel really good about though and never more than I can handle (no more insane work hours or ridiculous deadlines).
And, my favorite pursuit of them all...sharing my gifts with the world through Deliberate Sensuality! I've done a few interviews and presented at a virtual conference; I'm doing some writing and I'm accepting private coaching clients. I've even got ideas for gathering ladies in my living room for casual discussions with a deliberately sensual slant! I'm always dreaming up new products and offerings to assist anyone who wants to invite more joy and passion into their lives...If only I had time to work on all of them - RIGHT NOW! Hehe...
I make time whenever possible to "slack off" with my fabulous like-minded friends at Good Vibe University, where we learn, grow, share and chat together on a regular basis.
I'm enjoying every opportunity I get to make up for lost time with friends and family - saying yes, yes, yes to invitations to play!
As the weather gets nice, I'm finding more time for walks around my neighborhood and there will no doubt be more weekend getaways and day trips.
Perhaps if I had double the time in every day I could fit in more?? No, manipulating time is probably not my answer. More likely, I need to be content with all that I DO fit into my days and be happy that there is always something leftover to do tomorrow...otherwise, I might get bored ;).
So...if I'm not on Facebook as much, don't get my work done as fast, or don't return calls or emails right away, it's OK - rest assured, I am fitting in as much life as I can while staying conscientious about listening to my body's requests for rest. And, if you catch me doing things I'd rather not be doing just because I think I "should" (though that doesn't happen very often anymore) - remind me to check in with my feel good - and if you'd like, I'll be happy to do the same for you! Pleasure is, after all, my 2012 Word of the Year! Oh wait!! That's another blog post ;)
Wishing you a sensual-tastic day!!
Love,
Lisa
My energy comes in very uneven and often very unpredictable spurts. To some extent, I've always been that way, but never quite like this. My body thinks it needs about 10.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. Tough to do when your spirit feels like it wants to catch up for the last 10 months of "down time"! Also tough to do when your body clock says midnight is bedtime and you have to get your daughter up for school at 6 am every morning.
Naptime, late afternoon around 4:30, has been a pretty sacred ritual for me over the years. Even if it only amounts to 20 minutes of peace and quiet, or silent contemplation - it's the break that refreshes. That's never been more true, or more necessary than now. However, that too cuts into my waking time.
And that waking time...well, let's just say I'm not quite as efficient as I used to be! There's a very direct correlation between my chemo brain symptoms and my level of fatigue. So...Tired = foggy, groggy, and even more quirky and distracted than usual! Words don't come as easily to my writer's brain. Sometimes, when I think they have come easily, I read it again and realize I was mistaken - ha!
Happily, those symptoms are diminishing every day, but get me tired and there's no telling what amusing mistakes I'll make! Ask my daughter...;).
Despite all that, the creative ideas keep flowing and I do what I can day-to-day. It never quite feels like "enough", but I remind myself that everything is unfolding perfectly, for everyone's best and highest good - including my own. I also know that what we resists, persists and that frustration only uses up more precious energy.
I know that the best and most important things I can do for myself right now (or EVER!) are:
- Treat myself with unconditional love & kindness - which absolutely includes listening to my body!
- Do only what feels good - in other words (for my LOA savvy friends) get into vibrational alignment with what I want and how I want to feel.
- Appreciate - the blessings flowing to me every minute of every day! Appreciate the pleasures ready to be savored in every single moment! Appreciate and be grateful for the love that I AM and the love that surrounds me!
- Slack off! Forced action is wasted action (hehe...I just made that up...but it's true enough!). And really, if I'm not "in the zone" I might as well be doing something else anyway because it's not going to be quality stuff...
I'm also taking on select new projects with The Write Strategy. Only work I feel really good about though and never more than I can handle (no more insane work hours or ridiculous deadlines).
And, my favorite pursuit of them all...sharing my gifts with the world through Deliberate Sensuality! I've done a few interviews and presented at a virtual conference; I'm doing some writing and I'm accepting private coaching clients. I've even got ideas for gathering ladies in my living room for casual discussions with a deliberately sensual slant! I'm always dreaming up new products and offerings to assist anyone who wants to invite more joy and passion into their lives...If only I had time to work on all of them - RIGHT NOW! Hehe...
I make time whenever possible to "slack off" with my fabulous like-minded friends at Good Vibe University, where we learn, grow, share and chat together on a regular basis.
I'm enjoying every opportunity I get to make up for lost time with friends and family - saying yes, yes, yes to invitations to play!
As the weather gets nice, I'm finding more time for walks around my neighborhood and there will no doubt be more weekend getaways and day trips.
Perhaps if I had double the time in every day I could fit in more?? No, manipulating time is probably not my answer. More likely, I need to be content with all that I DO fit into my days and be happy that there is always something leftover to do tomorrow...otherwise, I might get bored ;).
So...if I'm not on Facebook as much, don't get my work done as fast, or don't return calls or emails right away, it's OK - rest assured, I am fitting in as much life as I can while staying conscientious about listening to my body's requests for rest. And, if you catch me doing things I'd rather not be doing just because I think I "should" (though that doesn't happen very often anymore) - remind me to check in with my feel good - and if you'd like, I'll be happy to do the same for you! Pleasure is, after all, my 2012 Word of the Year! Oh wait!! That's another blog post ;)
Wishing you a sensual-tastic day!!
Love,
Lisa
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I've Been "De-Ported"
No...I haven't left for some foreign land. But, I am looking a little less like an alien now ;). Yesterday I had the final surgery in my treatment journey when they removed the port from my chest.
My port - a small triangular device implanted in my right upper chest, had a flexible catheter tube that extended under my skin and through my jugular vein all the way to the superior vena cava, terminating just upstream of my right atrium. The port was how I received all those toxic chemo drugs. The catheter's placement allowed delivery of the chemo drugs close enough to my heart so that they could be easily diluted and quickly dispatched to all the cells in my body, without damaging my veins (chemo drugs are very caustic).
Now that I no longer need the port (YAYYYY!!) it was time to take it out. The removal process is much less invasive than the insertion - in fact, this time no surgical suite - just the doctor's office. No anesthesia - just local. Only one incision instead of two. And, the entire process took maybe 20 minutes. Still, I found myself extremely anxious before the procedure. Didn't help that there was a long delay in the waiting room (over an hour!)...at which point I suggested to the nurse that they might want to consider serving cocktails! Ha!
I was accompanied by my very brave Bff Heather - I say brave because she is pretty squeamish about most things medical - and ALL things bloody (ha)! Despite that, she managed to actually stay with me during the entire procedure (looking the other way, of course), and held my hand to comfort me. I cannot begin to tell you how important that was to me!! I was so anxiety-ridden by the time they began that I was shaking - and I was scared to death that I might move and mess something important up! But, between Heather's hand-holding, and the surgeon's deft use of conversation about wine (!) to engage my mind and shift my focus, I made it through - albeit with a chorus of "owwwww's" as they injected me with local anesthetic in what felt like a hundred different places on my chest! Once the anesthetic took effect, I still felt everything, but it didn't really hurt (still required a couple of oww's though!).
It's funny...after everything I've been through over the past 10 months - and for that matter, in my 50 years of life, you'd think that a little thing like this would be no big deal to me - but it was. Here are my thoughts on why...
Compared to all of the surgeries and procedures I've had, the installation of my port (back in September) was the least explained to me, in advance. It was kind of a "matter-of-fact" approach, with little preparation for the "patient" - ME! I was scheduled, given the usual pre-surgery instructions about fasting, and that was that. Of course, I went online to do my own research (as well as watch the procedure - but hey that's just me!) all of which helped a bit, but still I didn't have specific details because there are lots of different types of ports, different approaches to the insertion/installation, etc. and I'm someone who requires specific information to mentally prepare. Even stranger (to me) was that I never even got to meet the surgeon until the actual procedure!
So...short story is that the installation went down as a "bad experience" in my memory banks. Lots of anxiety (much more so than yesterday!), lots of pain for about a week afterwards, and a feeling that my emotional needs as a patient were not met in this case - not even close. And, despite hearing from others, as well as virtually every health care professional that I asked, who assured me that the removal would be a cakewalk compared to the installation, I was more than a little skeptical. Hence the nerves.
Another interesting thing for me...the port didn't really bother me once it "settled in". I got some amusement from showing it off and watching people wince at the thought - as I explained in detail about it (hehehe). The appearance didn't bother me that much either. Occasionally it got sore when I overdid it on that side, or moved just the right (or wrong??) way. But, for the most part, I didn't mind it being there. And, it certainly did what it was supposed to do. Unlike some, I never had a problem with it. It functioned perfectly every time. So, in an odd sort of way, I grew a little attached to the thing! Having it removed was not so much of a long-awaited celebration, as it was just one more procedure to dread. In fact, I even considered keeping it - a sort of perverse souvenir - but the surgeon dissuaded me - hehe ;).
Anyway, it's done. I've got a big ol' bandage and I have to take it easy and keep it dry for a couple of days. The pain is managed with my drug of choice - ibuprofen 600's - and ice. We'll see what kind of scar I'm left with, but whatever it is, I'll be proud of it...A warrior's battle scar from a fight well fought - and won!
As for my misgivings about the process...I'll speak to that more in my book - which still remains nameless (gotta do something about that!). After talking to other cancer survivors - I've found there's a lot of emotion, a lot of opinion, a diverse range of experiences and yet, not a lot of talk about getting a port placed before chemo. I'd like to have a hand at changing that - for the better - recognizing both the emotional and physical sides of the equation.
I do want to be very clear about one thing...my doctors, nurses, technicians...virtually everyone I've had contact with on the course of this journey have been absolutely fabulous!!! Pretty stunning when you consider the pressure & stress that everyone in the health care profession faces on a daily basis. And, that includes the vascular surgeon and his staff, who performed both the installation and removal of my port. I have the utmost respect for each one of these professionals - and I owe my life to their well-honed skills, expertise, dedication, and their desire to serve others! I am extremely grateful!
Very soon now, I will put all of this behind me. But, for the moment, I'm still healing and I still have some work to do...The book I referred to is a sort of compilation of what I've learned on this journey - spiritually, physically, intellectually - some of it will be conveyed with my quirky sense of humor, some of it will, I hope, inspire others, educate, and maybe even spark little changes that could mean a lot to someone, somewhere going through what I've been through. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
The other thing I'd like to do, before I completely walk away from this experience, is to have the opportunity to coach others going through it. My practice of Deliberate Sensuality - something I originally created to assist others in learning how to savor life moment to moment and to allow more pleasure into their lives - was very much a part of my day-to-day awareness during chemo and radiation. It helped me to find things to appreciate during the roughest experience of my life - and to "milk the good stuff" for all it was worth. If you know anyone who could benefit from a little of that - no matter what they're going through - please do send them my way! My coaching website is http://www.deliberatesensuality.com.
I'll continue the updates here indefinitely. I've grown to love this blog, your comments especially, and the writing for me has been very therapeutic. So...I'll keep going and we'll just see where inspiration leads me ;). Thanks as always for your support!
I love you!
Lisa
My port - a small triangular device implanted in my right upper chest, had a flexible catheter tube that extended under my skin and through my jugular vein all the way to the superior vena cava, terminating just upstream of my right atrium. The port was how I received all those toxic chemo drugs. The catheter's placement allowed delivery of the chemo drugs close enough to my heart so that they could be easily diluted and quickly dispatched to all the cells in my body, without damaging my veins (chemo drugs are very caustic).
Now that I no longer need the port (YAYYYY!!) it was time to take it out. The removal process is much less invasive than the insertion - in fact, this time no surgical suite - just the doctor's office. No anesthesia - just local. Only one incision instead of two. And, the entire process took maybe 20 minutes. Still, I found myself extremely anxious before the procedure. Didn't help that there was a long delay in the waiting room (over an hour!)...at which point I suggested to the nurse that they might want to consider serving cocktails! Ha!
I was accompanied by my very brave Bff Heather - I say brave because she is pretty squeamish about most things medical - and ALL things bloody (ha)! Despite that, she managed to actually stay with me during the entire procedure (looking the other way, of course), and held my hand to comfort me. I cannot begin to tell you how important that was to me!! I was so anxiety-ridden by the time they began that I was shaking - and I was scared to death that I might move and mess something important up! But, between Heather's hand-holding, and the surgeon's deft use of conversation about wine (!) to engage my mind and shift my focus, I made it through - albeit with a chorus of "owwwww's" as they injected me with local anesthetic in what felt like a hundred different places on my chest! Once the anesthetic took effect, I still felt everything, but it didn't really hurt (still required a couple of oww's though!).
It's funny...after everything I've been through over the past 10 months - and for that matter, in my 50 years of life, you'd think that a little thing like this would be no big deal to me - but it was. Here are my thoughts on why...
Compared to all of the surgeries and procedures I've had, the installation of my port (back in September) was the least explained to me, in advance. It was kind of a "matter-of-fact" approach, with little preparation for the "patient" - ME! I was scheduled, given the usual pre-surgery instructions about fasting, and that was that. Of course, I went online to do my own research (as well as watch the procedure - but hey that's just me!) all of which helped a bit, but still I didn't have specific details because there are lots of different types of ports, different approaches to the insertion/installation, etc. and I'm someone who requires specific information to mentally prepare. Even stranger (to me) was that I never even got to meet the surgeon until the actual procedure!
So...short story is that the installation went down as a "bad experience" in my memory banks. Lots of anxiety (much more so than yesterday!), lots of pain for about a week afterwards, and a feeling that my emotional needs as a patient were not met in this case - not even close. And, despite hearing from others, as well as virtually every health care professional that I asked, who assured me that the removal would be a cakewalk compared to the installation, I was more than a little skeptical. Hence the nerves.
Another interesting thing for me...the port didn't really bother me once it "settled in". I got some amusement from showing it off and watching people wince at the thought - as I explained in detail about it (hehehe). The appearance didn't bother me that much either. Occasionally it got sore when I overdid it on that side, or moved just the right (or wrong??) way. But, for the most part, I didn't mind it being there. And, it certainly did what it was supposed to do. Unlike some, I never had a problem with it. It functioned perfectly every time. So, in an odd sort of way, I grew a little attached to the thing! Having it removed was not so much of a long-awaited celebration, as it was just one more procedure to dread. In fact, I even considered keeping it - a sort of perverse souvenir - but the surgeon dissuaded me - hehe ;).
Anyway, it's done. I've got a big ol' bandage and I have to take it easy and keep it dry for a couple of days. The pain is managed with my drug of choice - ibuprofen 600's - and ice. We'll see what kind of scar I'm left with, but whatever it is, I'll be proud of it...A warrior's battle scar from a fight well fought - and won!
As for my misgivings about the process...I'll speak to that more in my book - which still remains nameless (gotta do something about that!). After talking to other cancer survivors - I've found there's a lot of emotion, a lot of opinion, a diverse range of experiences and yet, not a lot of talk about getting a port placed before chemo. I'd like to have a hand at changing that - for the better - recognizing both the emotional and physical sides of the equation.
I do want to be very clear about one thing...my doctors, nurses, technicians...virtually everyone I've had contact with on the course of this journey have been absolutely fabulous!!! Pretty stunning when you consider the pressure & stress that everyone in the health care profession faces on a daily basis. And, that includes the vascular surgeon and his staff, who performed both the installation and removal of my port. I have the utmost respect for each one of these professionals - and I owe my life to their well-honed skills, expertise, dedication, and their desire to serve others! I am extremely grateful!
Very soon now, I will put all of this behind me. But, for the moment, I'm still healing and I still have some work to do...The book I referred to is a sort of compilation of what I've learned on this journey - spiritually, physically, intellectually - some of it will be conveyed with my quirky sense of humor, some of it will, I hope, inspire others, educate, and maybe even spark little changes that could mean a lot to someone, somewhere going through what I've been through. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
The other thing I'd like to do, before I completely walk away from this experience, is to have the opportunity to coach others going through it. My practice of Deliberate Sensuality - something I originally created to assist others in learning how to savor life moment to moment and to allow more pleasure into their lives - was very much a part of my day-to-day awareness during chemo and radiation. It helped me to find things to appreciate during the roughest experience of my life - and to "milk the good stuff" for all it was worth. If you know anyone who could benefit from a little of that - no matter what they're going through - please do send them my way! My coaching website is http://www.deliberatesensuality.com.
I'll continue the updates here indefinitely. I've grown to love this blog, your comments especially, and the writing for me has been very therapeutic. So...I'll keep going and we'll just see where inspiration leads me ;). Thanks as always for your support!
I love you!
Lisa
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
My Homestretch
I am happy to report that I am finally nearing the end of my treatments! Although my journey will continue for quite some time as I heal and regain my strength, I will at least be done with the "active" treatments. My final session of radiation is scheduled for Friday, March 2nd.
While radiation has been no "walk in the park" for me, it has certainly been much more easily tolerated than the chemo. I chose my own alternatives to the standard Aquaphor ointment that's recommended for skincare during radiation - and instead used Pure Therapeutic Grade (very important distinction!) Lavender Essential Oil (Young Living Essential Oils), organic Vitamin E cream, and my Young Living Lavender Cream. At times, I also used Young Living pure Rose Ointment.
For those of you who don't know, I've been using and studying "the oils" (as I affectionately call them), for about 12 years now. I also teach classes (now and again) and sell them as an independent distributor for Young Living and through my business which I call Angelic Assistance.
I've been happy with my decision to use my own products and it's served me well. My doctor has also been very pleased with the way my skin has tolerated the treatments - burns didn't set in until the last couple of weeks. Even at that, they are not as severe as some women experience. The only area that really bothers me is under my arm, at the site of the incision where they removed lymph nodes. Tough spot for burns, since you can't easily prevent the friction from your arm.I also have a swollen area there - normal inflammation as a result of the treatments. Ibuprofen helps with that.
I'm still profoundly fatigued. More fatigued than I have been in my entire life! It keeps me from doing all I'd like, but it is getting better slowly. I've found that my body insists on 10 hours of sleep per night, something I only manage to achieve on weekends. Naps are always part of the plan late afternoon, but you know what they say about the "best laid plans of mice and men..." right?! Ha. I did just jump on board with Deepak Chopra's 21-day Meditation Challenge though. A step in the right direction to be sure. A break for a 10-15 meditation beats no nap!
I found that the phenomenon called "chemo brain" actually got worse for me after chemo was done. One of the many surprises and all part of the unpredictability I learned to accept over the past eight months. What I also learned though, is that for me, there is a direct correlation to fatigue. When I'm well rested (gettin' those 10 hours my body craves) the brain fog is less noticeable. Huh...go figure, right?!
Still working on getting my "normal" healthy nails back. No biggie. My hair is growing back like a lawn in Springtime! I'll have to work on getting some new photos to post. But, here's the BEST part...It is softer than I ever could have imagined!! So soft, that I can't take my hands off my head!! Hehehe ;). I can only compare it to a horse's nose (if you've ever pet one, you know how velvety soft that can be!), or a silky kitty's ear, or a bunny! Still very, very short - and it looks quite dark right now, so we'll just have to wait and see how that all turns out. I was happy to get my eyebrows and eye lashes back...you don't think about the many ways your eye lashes serve you until they're gone! From now on I'll be thankful every day for them ;).
Well...I want to let everyone know where I am at with things, so I'll end this post for now. I do have so much more I want to say, things I want to do...but, I'm learning to be "okay" with doing what I can, when I can and knowing that tomorrow is another day.
More soon! Thanks as always for your love and support!
xoxo
Lisa
While radiation has been no "walk in the park" for me, it has certainly been much more easily tolerated than the chemo. I chose my own alternatives to the standard Aquaphor ointment that's recommended for skincare during radiation - and instead used Pure Therapeutic Grade (very important distinction!) Lavender Essential Oil (Young Living Essential Oils), organic Vitamin E cream, and my Young Living Lavender Cream. At times, I also used Young Living pure Rose Ointment.
For those of you who don't know, I've been using and studying "the oils" (as I affectionately call them), for about 12 years now. I also teach classes (now and again) and sell them as an independent distributor for Young Living and through my business which I call Angelic Assistance.
I've been happy with my decision to use my own products and it's served me well. My doctor has also been very pleased with the way my skin has tolerated the treatments - burns didn't set in until the last couple of weeks. Even at that, they are not as severe as some women experience. The only area that really bothers me is under my arm, at the site of the incision where they removed lymph nodes. Tough spot for burns, since you can't easily prevent the friction from your arm.I also have a swollen area there - normal inflammation as a result of the treatments. Ibuprofen helps with that.
I'm still profoundly fatigued. More fatigued than I have been in my entire life! It keeps me from doing all I'd like, but it is getting better slowly. I've found that my body insists on 10 hours of sleep per night, something I only manage to achieve on weekends. Naps are always part of the plan late afternoon, but you know what they say about the "best laid plans of mice and men..." right?! Ha. I did just jump on board with Deepak Chopra's 21-day Meditation Challenge though. A step in the right direction to be sure. A break for a 10-15 meditation beats no nap!
I found that the phenomenon called "chemo brain" actually got worse for me after chemo was done. One of the many surprises and all part of the unpredictability I learned to accept over the past eight months. What I also learned though, is that for me, there is a direct correlation to fatigue. When I'm well rested (gettin' those 10 hours my body craves) the brain fog is less noticeable. Huh...go figure, right?!
Still working on getting my "normal" healthy nails back. No biggie. My hair is growing back like a lawn in Springtime! I'll have to work on getting some new photos to post. But, here's the BEST part...It is softer than I ever could have imagined!! So soft, that I can't take my hands off my head!! Hehehe ;). I can only compare it to a horse's nose (if you've ever pet one, you know how velvety soft that can be!), or a silky kitty's ear, or a bunny! Still very, very short - and it looks quite dark right now, so we'll just have to wait and see how that all turns out. I was happy to get my eyebrows and eye lashes back...you don't think about the many ways your eye lashes serve you until they're gone! From now on I'll be thankful every day for them ;).
Well...I want to let everyone know where I am at with things, so I'll end this post for now. I do have so much more I want to say, things I want to do...but, I'm learning to be "okay" with doing what I can, when I can and knowing that tomorrow is another day.
More soon! Thanks as always for your love and support!
xoxo
Lisa
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Busy Resting
Oh my! It's been much longer than I realized since my last blog post! And...while it may seem like an oxymoron, mostly I've been busy resting.
What began as a conscious decision to take a step back, go within and generally "regroup" before completing my last few chemo treatments, ended up feeling so good that time slipped right past me! Which is not the same as saying that my last few chemo treatments felt good...ha! Just the contrary. But, the introspective time brought so many blessings that I found myself craving more and more.
If you know me very well at all, that may come as a surprise. I tend to be outgoing, talkative (in the extreme some might even say!), social...but I have always said that I have a strong introspective, quiet side as well. It's a part of me that people (even those close to me) rarely take the time to discover or acknowledge. This was my opportunity to honor the quiet spirit that lies within me...and honor it I did.
My final chemo treatment was December 21st. I must say - it knocked me for a loop! I'm told it was to be expected. The effects of chemo are cumulative and by that 8th treatment my body was pretty weak. I'm grateful that there wasn't a 9th!
I called the Christmas season this year - "the holidays that weren't". Couldn't even really celebrate the fact that chemo was over because I was far too sick and too tired. I became so weak that climbing the stairs felt like climbing a mountain. My legs could barely manage on their own. I needed the railing for support. Chemo had wiped me out.
One of the things that surprised me a little was how the side effects kept coming long after that last treatment. My eyebrows & eyelashes hung in there until Christmas - at which point they all fell out. Naked eyes. Interesting. My nails had been suffering damage all along - particularly my toenails, but now my fingernails got discolored and began buckling. Very odd. The numbness in my fingers and toes continued. And the fatigue...ugh. It is the most profound fatigue I have ever experienced in my life and it's a long way from gone. Chemo brain, the fuzzy thinking and cognitive issues associated with chemo, also feels worse now than it did a couple of months ago.
Another surprise was how quickly radiation began after chemo. I thought I'd have the month of January off, but they did my scans on January 9th and started radiation Jan 16th. It knocked me off center for a few days, but I soon made the mental adjustments and it hasn't been bad so far. Every single day, Monday through Friday, I go to the hospital and "get my glow on". It doesn't take long, but it does take a chunk out of my day - between driving there and back and the treatment, probably an hour and a half. I'll be doing that until sometime in March. Noticing "tan lines" recently, but no burns at this point. Here's to the intention that I never do get any burns!
Emotionally, I've found that the transition from chemo to radiation is also interesting...It's an odd sense of missing the peace and bliss of the "good days" during chemo. You see, with chemo there's a very sharp contrast between your good days and your bad days. For most of my four months of treatments, I would have one week of really bad, 3 days of which would make me wonder if chemo would be the thing that would kill me. But then there would be that other week - the good one, at least 3 days of which would give me an experience of complete and total peace, bliss, and appreciation for life. It's honestly nothing that can be described in words. You have to experience it for yourself...and I don't think that many people truly do.
Anyway - I'm planning to write a whole blog post about it very soon. Meanwhile, I'm learning to take "turtle steps" now. (Thank you Laura English for helping me come up with that metaphor!). I extend my head out of my shell, take a step forward, and then I stop - checking in with all of my senses, including my all-important sixth sense, before deciding whether to a) take another step forward, b) change direction, or c) pull back inside my shell. Fortunately, I've become so in touch with my own rhythms and intuition that it's an easy "check-in" for me.
Which brings me back to my title, "Busy Resting". What my body craves, I do my best to give it. Right now it craves sleep. I get up, get my daughter off to school and often crawl right back into bed for a couple more hours. By 4 or 5 pm, a nap is usually imminent. I do what I can until it no longer feels good. If it doesn't feel good, you can bet I won't be forcing myself to do it. All that napping takes time. As do the very long, hot showers. Then, there's the daily trips to radiation treatments. I'm never, ever bored. There's always plenty to do - things I WANT to do, but don't always have time to do. That's a big part of the reason I've been so quiet lately. I'm sorry if I've left some of you hanging, or worried.
It's funny, at the beginning of this journey, my computer was like my lifeline - keeping me connected. But, at some point along the way, my priorities shifted and the one connection that superseded all others was my connection to me. With little energy to spare, it was all I could manage for a while.
But, I'm back with lots of blog posts coming up for you and lots to share! Stay with me as I leap back into life. If you have a burning question about what I've been through, feel free to ask it! I'm hoping to put together a couple of e-books. One of them will definitely be humorous, since my sense of humor got me through a LOT of this journey! I am also considering how I can serve others going through a similar experience. I have some ideas, but nothing set in stone yet, so stay tuned.
One final note...I have been selected as a presenter for the Blissful Living & Loving Virtual Conference which begins tomorrow, Feb 6 and continues through Feb 23. My presentation, Inviting the Passion Back Into Your Life, is scheduled for Feb 14 (how perfect is that?!) at noon. Click on the conference title above for a link to information on the conference. They have options available that include the recordings of every presentation as well as access to the live calls, and once the conference begins, I believe there will be links to purchase individual presentations as well. If you're at all interested, I urge you to check it out - and if nothing else, please wish me well! It's a very exciting time for me. I'm finally now launching the coaching practice that I was ABOUT to launch when all this happened. Whoo hoo!!! What a way to do it - and what a great time to do it!!
If you'd like more information about my coaching practice, visit me at Deliberate Sensuality. My website will be undergoing some updates and improvements over the next few months as I get back up to speed, but there's a lot of great stuff already there, so feel free to check it out!
Until next post...thank you!! Thanks for reading, thanks for sticking by my side as I made my way through all this, thanks for your thoughts, prayers, and positive energy! It's not over yet - but then again, it never is, right? What an adventure life is! How does it get any better than this?!
Love you all!!
Lisa
What began as a conscious decision to take a step back, go within and generally "regroup" before completing my last few chemo treatments, ended up feeling so good that time slipped right past me! Which is not the same as saying that my last few chemo treatments felt good...ha! Just the contrary. But, the introspective time brought so many blessings that I found myself craving more and more.
If you know me very well at all, that may come as a surprise. I tend to be outgoing, talkative (in the extreme some might even say!), social...but I have always said that I have a strong introspective, quiet side as well. It's a part of me that people (even those close to me) rarely take the time to discover or acknowledge. This was my opportunity to honor the quiet spirit that lies within me...and honor it I did.
My final chemo treatment was December 21st. I must say - it knocked me for a loop! I'm told it was to be expected. The effects of chemo are cumulative and by that 8th treatment my body was pretty weak. I'm grateful that there wasn't a 9th!
I called the Christmas season this year - "the holidays that weren't". Couldn't even really celebrate the fact that chemo was over because I was far too sick and too tired. I became so weak that climbing the stairs felt like climbing a mountain. My legs could barely manage on their own. I needed the railing for support. Chemo had wiped me out.
One of the things that surprised me a little was how the side effects kept coming long after that last treatment. My eyebrows & eyelashes hung in there until Christmas - at which point they all fell out. Naked eyes. Interesting. My nails had been suffering damage all along - particularly my toenails, but now my fingernails got discolored and began buckling. Very odd. The numbness in my fingers and toes continued. And the fatigue...ugh. It is the most profound fatigue I have ever experienced in my life and it's a long way from gone. Chemo brain, the fuzzy thinking and cognitive issues associated with chemo, also feels worse now than it did a couple of months ago.
Another surprise was how quickly radiation began after chemo. I thought I'd have the month of January off, but they did my scans on January 9th and started radiation Jan 16th. It knocked me off center for a few days, but I soon made the mental adjustments and it hasn't been bad so far. Every single day, Monday through Friday, I go to the hospital and "get my glow on". It doesn't take long, but it does take a chunk out of my day - between driving there and back and the treatment, probably an hour and a half. I'll be doing that until sometime in March. Noticing "tan lines" recently, but no burns at this point. Here's to the intention that I never do get any burns!
Emotionally, I've found that the transition from chemo to radiation is also interesting...It's an odd sense of missing the peace and bliss of the "good days" during chemo. You see, with chemo there's a very sharp contrast between your good days and your bad days. For most of my four months of treatments, I would have one week of really bad, 3 days of which would make me wonder if chemo would be the thing that would kill me. But then there would be that other week - the good one, at least 3 days of which would give me an experience of complete and total peace, bliss, and appreciation for life. It's honestly nothing that can be described in words. You have to experience it for yourself...and I don't think that many people truly do.
Anyway - I'm planning to write a whole blog post about it very soon. Meanwhile, I'm learning to take "turtle steps" now. (Thank you Laura English for helping me come up with that metaphor!). I extend my head out of my shell, take a step forward, and then I stop - checking in with all of my senses, including my all-important sixth sense, before deciding whether to a) take another step forward, b) change direction, or c) pull back inside my shell. Fortunately, I've become so in touch with my own rhythms and intuition that it's an easy "check-in" for me.
Which brings me back to my title, "Busy Resting". What my body craves, I do my best to give it. Right now it craves sleep. I get up, get my daughter off to school and often crawl right back into bed for a couple more hours. By 4 or 5 pm, a nap is usually imminent. I do what I can until it no longer feels good. If it doesn't feel good, you can bet I won't be forcing myself to do it. All that napping takes time. As do the very long, hot showers. Then, there's the daily trips to radiation treatments. I'm never, ever bored. There's always plenty to do - things I WANT to do, but don't always have time to do. That's a big part of the reason I've been so quiet lately. I'm sorry if I've left some of you hanging, or worried.
It's funny, at the beginning of this journey, my computer was like my lifeline - keeping me connected. But, at some point along the way, my priorities shifted and the one connection that superseded all others was my connection to me. With little energy to spare, it was all I could manage for a while.
But, I'm back with lots of blog posts coming up for you and lots to share! Stay with me as I leap back into life. If you have a burning question about what I've been through, feel free to ask it! I'm hoping to put together a couple of e-books. One of them will definitely be humorous, since my sense of humor got me through a LOT of this journey! I am also considering how I can serve others going through a similar experience. I have some ideas, but nothing set in stone yet, so stay tuned.
One final note...I have been selected as a presenter for the Blissful Living & Loving Virtual Conference which begins tomorrow, Feb 6 and continues through Feb 23. My presentation, Inviting the Passion Back Into Your Life, is scheduled for Feb 14 (how perfect is that?!) at noon. Click on the conference title above for a link to information on the conference. They have options available that include the recordings of every presentation as well as access to the live calls, and once the conference begins, I believe there will be links to purchase individual presentations as well. If you're at all interested, I urge you to check it out - and if nothing else, please wish me well! It's a very exciting time for me. I'm finally now launching the coaching practice that I was ABOUT to launch when all this happened. Whoo hoo!!! What a way to do it - and what a great time to do it!!
If you'd like more information about my coaching practice, visit me at Deliberate Sensuality. My website will be undergoing some updates and improvements over the next few months as I get back up to speed, but there's a lot of great stuff already there, so feel free to check it out!
Until next post...thank you!! Thanks for reading, thanks for sticking by my side as I made my way through all this, thanks for your thoughts, prayers, and positive energy! It's not over yet - but then again, it never is, right? What an adventure life is! How does it get any better than this?!
Love you all!!
Lisa
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