Three Down, Five to go!

Well, another treatment under my belt...three down and five to go! On the positive side, only one more until I'm halfway there. And, I know better than to expand on anything OTHER than the positive side - so we'll just skip that part! Ha.

I'm finding that my treatments are taking more and more out of me each time. The nurses tell me that's normal. The patterns and side effects aren't predictable, other than the fact that Fridays of chemo week are generally my worst day. No matter what I've done each time to try to "fight smarter", I can't seem to get around the miserable side effects. So, I simply have to accept each day as it comes.

It's a lot about letting go of the resistance to not feeling the way I want to feel. It's a lot about letting go of conditions and expectations - of how I want to feel, think I should feel, what I want to do, think I should be able to do. It's also about letting go of what others may think - at least from my slanted perspective of it.

Funny thing is, I've gotten so good at all of those things, I was starting to feel like a Master! Ha. Truth is, we never really get "there". It's all just stepping stones and there's always more to learn and master. Otherwise life would be pretty short and boring, I guess.

And, as I've been reminding myself lately...this is MY journey. No one else's. I have to travel it as only I can. No one can do it for me, no one can pave the way, and there's only so far anyone can walk it with me. (More on that in my next blog post called "The Solitary Journey"...)

So, no sense beating myself up for not being "stronger"...when the going gets tough, this tough girl takes a nap, watches some mindless TV, reads a book, or eats something exceedingly non-nutritious (like say a Boston creme donut from Dunkin' Donuts as was my treat-to-me today!).

When you haven't heard from me in a while, that's probably what I'm doing, from the relative comfort of my recliner. My iPhone grants me beautiful access to Facebook and I tend to text quite a lot. I check email now and again, but I don't answer much that way because it's too much to try to type. I don't actually TALK on the phone much because frankly, I don't always have the energy or the composure for it. Crazy, huh?! (Those who know how much I love to talk will really struggle with that revelation!)

My days still have some structure - getting my daughter off to school in the morning takes a lot out of me - even though at almost 12 years old, there's not a lot I need to do for her - aside from motivating her out the door (she shares my aversion to early morning wake up calls) and getting her breakfast protein shake poured into a glass. Then, I generally crawl back into my bed as quickly as possible for another few hours sleep. My kitties happily join me...

Bet that sounds kind of lazy, huh? Oh wait, I'm giving up my need for the approval of others for Lent...Hmmmm...Lent? Is that right? Is it Lent, or Advent? Wait...what month is this again? Oh, right...chemo brain. Ha.

That's one of the other fun side-effects. This fuzzy cognitive thing that happens when your brain is on chemo drugs...You know that PSA..."This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs." Well, you get the idea! I can tell you first-hand, it's real. Though I really can't complain, since so far it hasn't had a huge effect on me.

Mostly I feel dizzy, weak, fatigued, and nauseous - nearly all the time. My situation is made worse by a serious digestive disorder I've had most of my life. Ordinarily, I manage it pretty well. But, the combination of chemo drugs and anti-nausea drugs exacerbate it to the point that basically I don't digest a thing for days. (Yeah...getting into the realm of TMI now so I'll stop there...) Anyway, you can probably imagine the unpleasantness.

As for the dizzy, weak, fatigued part...well, the first two treatments devoured my white blood cells. My levels were "dangerously low" at their low point, making me vulnerable to infection. But, they always rebounded nicely by chemo day - thanks no doubt, to the Neulasta shots I get the day after treatment, that are meant to do just that.

My red blood cells on the other hand have just been plummeting, without rebound. Today was lab day and they're looking bad enough that we may have to consider another medication to help. I guess that goes a long way toward explaining the dizziness and fatigue. It's also why I'm going to be feasting on steak and spinach in the near future (I'll apologize in advance to my vegetarian/vegan friends...I know there are meat-free alternatives to build my red blood cells, but the steak just tastes so damn good!).

So this time, no isolation. I'll still have to be careful, but not quite so hyper-vigilant. Instead, I'll have to pace myself based on what energy I have and just accept it. More rest, less catching up. Who knew sitting at a computer writing could be considered such exhausting work?!

And, I'll have to "get over" thinking I must be weak just because I'm not managing as well as all those people in the ads about how chemo is so much "kinder and gentler" now...Ha! Kinder and gentler my a@#$% But, don't get me started on that! I swear I'm going to write a whole new line of books about dealing with cancer and chemo...Honest books. Though probably not very serious books. There's too much we're asked to be serious about in life - and not nearly enough we're allowed to take lightly.

Ahhh yes, so much more to say! But alas, I think it's time for another nap ;).

As always, thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, positive intentions and that awesome energy you're sending me!! Trust me, I can feel it and your love and comments are the best feel good of all!!

Until next time...

xoxo
Lisa