A Little Bit of Overwhelm...

There's nothing like a morning at the hospital to make it all just a little too real...

Friday was my final surgical consult. Time to decide if a lumpectomy was right for me. Factors to consider included the possibility of more surgery if the margins around the tumor aren't cancer free - and, if things look really bad, I could end up needing a mastectomy anyway...Intending a positive outcome, I chose the lumpectomy.

We won't know if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes until surgery, when they remove my sentinel nodes for biopsy. That's a separate incision underneath my arm. They'll do the biopsy while I'm still "under" and based on what they find, the surgeon makes the decision about whether or not to remove more of them (called an Axillary lymph node disection). When I wake up, I will have either had a few nodes removed or a whole lot of them. On one hand, relatively minor surgery; on the other pretty major surgery with long term implications.

I won't know for sure until it's all over. That's pretty challenging stuff for a recovering control freak to wrap her mind around! All that uncertainty...and no control.

All in all though, I've been pretty proud of myself for the way I've been able to let go and trust. I've made mammoth leaps in that regard!! My mantra has benn absolutely sincere - "I am fine, no matter what, no conditions, no bargaining"...But, that doesn't mean there aren't days when I'd still rather just go to sleep and wake to find this was all some freaky nightmare.

And - Friday was one of those days.

All the discussion about the specifics of needles and incisions wasn't helping. Before surgery (and before anesthesia), they'll do an ultrasound guided procedure to place a needle into the tumor. It's called "Pre-operative needle localization". It assists the surgeon in his approach to cutting out the tumor and surrounding area in a very precise way. Sounds delightful :(.

Then, of course, there's the IV...I haven't always had a lot of luck with those. My veins have been known to get stage fright before surgery and go for a deep dive - especially in a cold room, after having no fluids for a while. Add to all that the fact that anesthesia has never been my friend (though I sure wouldn't want to do surgery without it!!) and you'll understand why the reality of surgery was really starting to sink in - and chase all my feel good vibes away.

Amidst all this uncertainty and unpleasantness (not a healthy environment for thoughts, by the way!)...I began to think about work - I was feeling overwhelmed by emails and my to-do list, I was wondering how I'd find the energy and focus to keep up with it all, and my fear was reminding me that I must - regardless of how I felt. It's like that when you're a self-employed single mom. It's up to me - no one else.

I thought about how long this journey might last. I was already feeling like I was falling hopelessly behind on virtually EVERYTHING in my life! Originally I envisioned being done with my treatments by Fall - ready to move on...then I met a lady who was diagnosed last July and she just finished treatment in March. She had what she called "garden variety" breast cancer. Hmmm...wonder what that means when you have the non-garden variety?? It felt like another blow...

Anyway - you get the idea...My thoughts became like a muddy landslide, burying any glimmer of a good attitude. At first I fought it, but really? I know better! The best remedy is to take the time and allow yourself to FEEL it, without judgment. It also helps to indulge in one of my favorite solutions for finding some relief - a nap! So, that's exactly what I did.

A little while later, I got myself up, put on a dress and went out to dinner with friends ;). Nothing like it for shifting my attitude! Dressing up is powerful for me. Socializing with people I enjoy and care about feeds my energy. And speaking of feeding? A fabulous meal always does wonders for my spirits ;). By the end of the night, I was doing much better. (**Thanks Frank & Traci!!)

I can't say I accomplished a single thing I had planned over the rest of the weekend, but it's a new week. Another fresh start. Another opportunity to seek relief through the thoughts that feel best...and to accept all that comes our way. It's another chance to appreciate life...moment by moment by moment.

Wishing you a week full of feel good moments!
xoxo
Lisa